Encounters

It's a last encounter
when a person you know leaves
saying goodbye
embracing you one last time
promising to think about you with warmth

It's a last encounter
when you see a person for the last time
as a friend or a loved one
with a kind look in their eyes

After that there's no talking or messages left
no loving memories
It's pushed away from your mind
or remembered with bitterness
Sheer hate

Both are wistful
Both leave you with sadness

Last encounters
when the eyes of the one left behind weigh heavily on your back
wondering if there's still a chance

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Freedom

In it's purest form
Freedom gets caught
Right from flight
The expectant can't see time pass
Even though white symbolizes peace
In this silence

Like a snake it strikes
The reality
How you recover from that
Depends on the person

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Seeking attention

Attention seeking is faking
Only a few personalities are alluring to others
and even fewer are interested to hear
about someone else's trivial life
that has even less content than their owna
and nothing that you'd want to grab in

Attention seeking is based on lies
when you're not good enough as yourself
It's underestimating of the listeners to exaggerate,
multiply everything by ten
It only gets you condescending smiles,
pitying looks and reluctant presence
If there's nothing to tell in life without fairy tales
it would be smart to keep them to yourself

Loudness, shrieking laughter
all of it is just on the surface
for in no one's heart can you find
a shining presence without a concealed dimension

Don't believe in shining clauses

Translated by Sith Fisto who is really busy.

The past

The past still hurts
If it was an open wound, I could heal it
I could put a bandaid on it
and wait for it to turn into a scar
It wouldn´t be a burdain to carry around
in my mind, in my heart
In the every part of me that can remember

The past is there when I look around
it doesn´t define my future but colors it
How much space does it leave for me
to decide how I´m going to paint it
with my own kind of colours
my handwriting on it

The more time passes by, more there is to be called past
The more time passes me,
more space there is between me and my history
and more space there is, the more I forget
little details have already faded
but the worthwhile things,
memories I´d like to destroy
those will remain

Insomnia

The problem is that you can´t make yourself sleep at night
You can´t close your eyes without wondering
whether you´ll fall asleep now or never
whether you´ll manage to rest or
will you wake up from insomnia more tired than you were

You can laugh and smile and dance
like nothing is really bothering you
You can hide all those sleepless nights and hours
you´ve spent tossing and turning between the sheets
desperately trying to find the Sandman

But the real reason driving you crazy is nightmares
Oh how they make you wish you wouldn´t have to lay down
and leave yourself vulnerable to those creatures
which have no face to punch, no name to curse
Insomnia is actually your friend, your protector

Those dreams will come
when you´re too tired to struggle for your sanity
The dawn will chase them away eventually
still you fear that the sun will not come one day
and you´ll be left there, gasping for air

Still you believe those dreams will disappear
and you can find a way to beat them dead
but there´s no face to punch, no name to curse
no life to kill
remember that, would you honey

Inspired by my fanfiction called Don´t want to fall asleep. You can find it from the DeviantArt: roccari.deviantart.com

Happy Ending

Why did you have to force me to breathe
when I willingly stopped
and gave up my last drop of air
hence I didn´t need it anymore
because I couldn´t do it
Yes, I wanted to die
when it was too hard to breathe in

Memories are suffocating me
under their weight
and they made me suidical
after you weren´t here to tell me
weren´t here to make me believe
that you couldn´t survive by yourself
Do you now see why

Yes, I wanted to die
out of breath
piercing pain in my chest
It was the last gift for myself I could give
but you had to be the hero of the story
and write a happy ending

Inspired by the music video of B2ST´s song called Soom (Breathe in English).

The past, the pain

The past still hurts
if I go back to it and try to read it
Try to understand with new eyes
if there was something hidden
to make it easier to bear
something to explain it all reasonable

The pain comes even when I avoid it
the future has nothing to keep me happy
keep me distracted
My mind is hurt, it won´t believe anymore
can´t hold on to promises
after seeing so many end up broken

My past is haunting
with cold hands it keeps me attached
There´s no secret, at least I can´t find any
It has no reasons
and it doesn´t want to be healed
And no matter how mature I grow,
the past is the same
with nothing new to see

How long can I keep myself sane with all this

A legend

It´s been a long time
since we talked for the last time
Bitter words, both hurt
and one of us finally running
turning away
to avoid being revealed

I thought I had forgotten most of you
moved on and grown up
but calling your name is impossible
as I try to share my past
It still has power over me
it still means something more

I tried to act like it was nothing
like the sobs were far away

I have forgotten some
but you´ve become a legend
your story unfolds slowly in my head
as I try to keep it close to reality
it´s fading but not away

It´s been a long time
and I was sure I wouldn´t miss you
now that I have a life
But I´d give a lot to get you back
even for a moment
to see if my picture of you is still true

So, you might even recognize the person/people I´m talking about. I just thought of them after a long time and found it really, really hard. It still is. How odd. How sad.

Deserted land

My grave is cold and quiet
full of weeds
I guess I'll soon lose my right
for this patch of land
since no one has taken care of it
and I don't know anything that would be sadder
than a deserted grave
where no one brings candles
or remember at Christmas

So better they lay down someone new on top of me
Perhaps then someone starts visiting this place again

And the younger the deceased, the better
the longer it will have mourners
atoning their guilt
from their life force

Translated by Sith Fisto though I must say I edited the last line. We´re working on it. It´s not perfect yet. Nothing is. Nothing will be.

Innocence

He's so pure
that you can not willfully harm him
He can't handle the 10 o'clock news
or watch police series
they leave a mark on his innocence
But can not stain it
never can

The pain of the world is in his body
like he was being fed to the dogs alive
Empathy is a curse, not a talent
Imagination brings the pain close to him
and it doesn't wash of
But it's not dirt, more like smog
around him

Naivety is a wall he carries
with its strength he managed along

No, you can't spoil his purity
it's without a flaw
and because of that when it disappears
it will break with a rumble
and the hardness won't wait a moment
before it sucks him inside

It would be good to maintain your juvenile beliefs

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Pressure

What is pain
pressure on the nerve endings
when through the numbness you can't notice
that you´re crossing over unwritten norms
Too much pressure in the nerve canals
when the world slaps you in the face with an open hand
and pushes your head into a full sink
waiting patiently for your legs to give in

Wet hair on your eyes

What is agony
pain that has gone on for too long
from which the nervous system will never recover
It's ringing in the ears
seasonal affective disorder that goes on all year round
When time eats you alive with its tiny teeth
and you can't dodge, can't leave
and can't close your eyes

With tears on your cheeks

What is suffering
you can't remove it, it's in the air you breathe
when a squeeze in your chest stops you from breathing
It's a presence next to you
when others abandon you
When your limbs go necrotic from the cold
breaking odd piece by piece
and you're aware of every moment,
every moment

With bloody drops on your lips

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Jesus

Too much weight
putted on one name
on one man's false justification
has others been oppressed
In the name of a promised salvation
taken the hope from dissidents

If he had known it
he wouldn't have said a word
but kept all the wisdom to himself

Or at least would have made clear
that none shall be harmed in his name
and that firm belief doesn't justify arrogance

The world waits for a new coming
I wish it would happen soon
so that the infidels would awaken from their sin

I wrote this for school as a homework some time ago. Translated by Sith Fisto.

A tear

A tear
the final one, the bitter one
that should not be dried with a hand
or wiped with a handkerchief
Let it slowly run down your cheek
until it drops
on its own
and breaks

A tear
beautiful and brilliant in a bright light
but it doesn't last, it evaporates
dries out on its own
You can't keep it
the child of the moment must disappear
on its own
quietly

A tear
the mark of sadness, the mark of pain
so fragile you almost can't see it
I remember it
to remember the reason
why I'm crying
why I'm empty
At the same time I let go
let go of you
dince I can't keep you here
forever
a prisoner

To Milla. Thanx. Translated by Sith Fisto.

Denial

If I don´t say it, it´ll stay away
It will not become true
If I don´t admit, if I only deny
Sleepless nights, anxious days
those all will disappear
if I close my eyes and say no, no, no

I won´t bring myself to say it
Without a name it can´t grow
Without a given face it can´t scare me
I´ll walk from it to see a fresh dawn
touching the landscape before my eyes

If I hide it, it´ll leave me alone
It will fade and die
If I don´t face it
the pain will go eventually numb
Hours filled with insomnia
I´ll rewind and change into dreams

I won´t make it more real with words
I won´t give it power
I´ll be safe if it doesn´t have a weapon
and I´ll stay here, fading away too
into the hours I should have spent sleeping

Sleeping safely
escaping from it once again
succeeding and falling asleep at last

Inspired by this picture: http://my.deviantart.com/messages/#/d33pedq I don´t know if you can see it or not but there it is.

Thinking of us

I´m thinking of us
How we started our wicked plan
to win over each other´s hearts
and how we danced around each other
trying all the tricks we got
Playing like we both were dolls

And that´s why we´re broken now

I´m thinking of us
What we did and what we did wrong
How our moral crumbled under lust
selfishness was a god to serve
and how we waited impatiently
to catch what we wanted the most

We got what we wanted and ruined it

I´m thinking of us
How we changed slowly
how we made each other bad, sinful
and how the common sense didn´t scream a word
We took what we wanted
but it wasn´t as sweet as it should have been

Porcelain skin is bruised

I´m thinking of us
how we abused each other
with everything we could use as a weapon
How the game we played almost innocently
turned into a fight, struggle for our lives
and how the dancing ended up with our hearts dying

And that´s why we´re broken now
I wish it was just a dream
Very bad dream

Inspired by Nelly´s Just a Dream.

Contemplation

Where is the line when second tries turn into last chances
When can you no longer forgive or forget
those are the questions I've contemplated on
when I can't sleep
as your words spin inside my head
I haven't found a conclusion
since I can't tell
at which mark all the promises disappear

I have contemplated but I can't decide
Everything is relevant
ever changing
Tomorrow is always a new one, and still just as cursed
At what point will I get bored at collecting up my bones

I stay up even though the hours of the night bring no answer
Even ghosts haven't grown wise with waiting
When is it a bit much to forgive?

When won't I be able to anymore

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Limit

I do not wish to fight
and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone with what I say
but when the fued grows stronger I no longer watch my words
They flow free
finally
But they don't build, they break
and burn
making irreparable damage as they go

I don't want to, but too often it's not voluntary
and I wasn't given an angel's nature
Provoking eats me from the inside as well
and people don't come to say just anything to me
from the last one I get mad as well

You can't always hide behind everyone else
and avoid the punches
But do I really want to waste my time
with mending that which I intentionally broke?

Don't push me because even I have a limit
it's somewhere very close from here
Don't try your luck just to find it
I'll make sure you know once you've crossed the line

I don't always know how to place my words wisely

Translated by Sith Fisto, as all my pieces are nowadays.

Erosion

Attention, attention
you never get enough
and you always appear where there's most of it for grabs
Never mind the quality
or if you embarrass yourself
because at least they're looking at you
Maybe someday even approve you
but till then this is the game you play

Attention, attention
your uncertainty still craves for more
but it's not a cure nor a remedy
otherwise all the junkies would be happy
And you don't even see how they whisper behind your back
you can't gain respect this way

Under the neon lights you're the master of the moment
when everyone's eyes are burning on you
as long as you don't know how it consumes you

First snow

First snow always falls down too early
So that there's no chance it would last
Because even if it's cloudy and chilly
The grass is still warm and green
Behind the fall colors, unyielding
Despite all of that the snow comes, just to be destroyed by its own weight

Winter is sure to come
That much we all know
But the first snow won't live
To see that day

Remember

Don't forget, that my touch didn't always hurt
And I'll always remember, that your presence wasn't pain at first
That at first I enjoyed it, even asked for more
That I wanted it, pursued after it

Don't forget that love requires two
Even if the other doesn't answer your feelings
That's how you too were a part of this
That looked like something I made up
Like a bedtime story to ease a child

Remember that I wasn't a monster
That I'm still not, but a victim of circumstances
Same as you are
And let me bear in mind
That loving you was sweet
Less than thorny

Let me live in the illusion
That I wouldn't trade one moment away
Believe that I meant well
And didn't do this to you on purpose

Loser

Always, again and again
The second best
The one that failed
When I didn't even know it was a competition
Not to mention I should give it my best shot
Give everything away
Give up all my strength in a never ending battle
Of attention, love
Of who is cared about and
Who is taken care of

Again, once more
The starting signal is shot and you have get back on your feet again
But I can't hear, can't see the flags flying
And my supporters don't make a sound

I had no idea I was a part of this war

I thought I deserved something even on my own

Over again, repeatedly
I fall down to my knees as a loser
And again I don't know all the things I lost
When I couldn't run faster, wasn't better than this

Exchange

Let's change places
I'll give my body to you
and take your personality
embrace you with my flesh and bones
and offer a safe haven

You'll get my body to replace yours
the one that's breaking, though mine isn't alright either
I've taken care of it poorly
and done harm to it in ways you don't want to know
even though the bone-deep scars will be your flaw in the future

I'll sacrifice myself, give you a longer life
I'd disappear anyway once you move on to the great mystery
I'll get rid of the sadness, that's no sacrifice
and I won't be sad when this life ends
so little it gave me
Come, let me embrace and hold you with my soul
till I die from your brightness
And you get this
the one the priests call my tabernacle

From up there

Come on down from up there
come down here and see
what your dignity and pride have done
Done to me, done to you
What use to be we
alike love

Come down here to notice
that high up there things are the same
but the situation has ranged here
Oh I´m not me anymore

Fall, fall down
I want you to get hurt while you do,
no landing softly
no hands reached out to catch your body
Just fall, fall like gods do when the times are hard
Fall like all the gods do in the end

I pull you down, deep down
Don´t bother to escape
but face what your actions have done with all your pride

Done to my admiration

Apologize

I´m sorry to tell you
how tired I am of this
What this, you´ll ask
your eyes wide almost honest-like
But I think you should know
Is it so hard to be easy

Is it too hard to listen

I´m sorry I have to say it
because even though I know
it can´t be all my fault
my heart won´t let me hurt you
even twhen I know you´ll be fine in a week
You´ll find a new toy within a month
And next year you won´t remember me
or anything like us

I hate to name it first
to put an end to this all
What this, you still pretend you don´t know
I´m not willing to find out if you´re lying or not

The thought of you leaving
marking me as part of your history
is not pleasant
because I can´t do the same
but I still have to apologize

Confession

I´d like to believe you when you confess your love
Somehow it sounds too optimistic,
that you´d all of a sudden love me
you´d had loved me for long
That you´d find it important to tell me that now
when I´m trying to tell you the same
but just with different words
with more stuttering
With more natural hesitation
that fear of rejection causes

I´d like to believe you
and see the truth floating with your sweet words
see the honest look in your eyes
But somehow my foolish heart is cynical
and my mind can´t overrule it
I´d be happier, I´d need it
but I can´t take it if it´s not a gift
If it´s a sacrifice or a lie

It sounds like you´ve been practicing
and not because you´re scared
but because you want to sound believable

My words are true because they´re not sweet,
they´re very raw
And very rude, not worth writing down
But what is that, you suddenly loving me
when you´ve always told me otherwise

I have to refuse

Masochisim

It depends on how you define suffering
and for a masochist there's no such thing
For suffering is something unpleasant,
something you avoid
but those fools rush towards it,
create it themselves
It doesn't disgust them, doesn't push them away

So masochists don't suffer
they must enjoy this life more than the rest

A normal man avoids pain to the very last
a healthy mind doesn't need suffering, nor create it
for them red marks on the skin are not a part of the deal

Masochists don't suffer, don't feel pain
whatever you do, they'll ask for more, harder
You can go to the extreme,
no need to say you're sorry
Just go and try
what the human body can take without dying

Even though there's a difference between self-inflicted and given

Inspired by what one of my class mates said. Hope you see the sarcasm.

Meaningless

Now that my time is running out
I want someone to tell you
that you weren't meaningless
that just when I couldn't even think anymore,
you were floating as an image in my mind
I could have told you that myself
if I had noticed to do so on time
if I had awaken to the reality sooner
if I had gathered my strength faster

My last chance dried out
and I'm trying to give it to someone else
to take forward, so you'd hear it anyway
Girls always know, that's what they do
but I'd wish you to hear it,
so that it would leave a mark in your memory
and you wouldn't doubt yourself
that you wouldn't think you imagined it all
I should have made sure of it
made it into reality
But I'm week and a coward,
too much fear of rejection

You weren't meaningless
Had you had the means and time
you would have turned a masochist into a human
Now it was left undone,
like my love
Someone else will have to tell you
all the things you lost with me

Shade of grey

Just one darker shade of grey
in the middle of no-light,
the so called darkness
And I´m only waiting for your attention,
expecting you to notice me
Still you refuse to look,
refuse to see anymore, deny what you just saw
How can you forget
all the beautiful whispers
you filled my ears with
When we had time to be saved

Slightly different shade of grey
Different from black, far from light
Hard to lable and there´s no need
to put a name on me
Only when you want to call me
you´ll need it
But will I recall it mine?
Try it, try me out

So you leave, try to escape
from seeing me, hearing me
I understand you well
I´d do the same
if it was someone like me
asking for help
But for you, I´d never fall
I´d never fail but try and do
use all my might
to do what you won´t do for me

Just a shade of grey
nothing special, no need to save it
but you´ll notice if I vanish
You´ll miss me if I die
because of you

You´ll regret losing me

Satellites

The world has ran out of stars
so satellites will make my wish come true
Will be my wishing star
For even if all light has disappeared from space
I haven't stopped dreaming

Falling airplanes, helicopters
meteorites burning like torches
are glowing up in the sky
but bring my wishes down to earth

Too many stars have fallen
or consumed all their energy
I put my hope on satellites
Earth's eternal followers
With them my wishes can continue their journey
to the far-reaching future
where you can even be awaken from the dead
Into a new miracle

Maybe then the light of new stars will reach us there

Basic lesson

Did you even notice that I died
Did you realize that it was for good
with no jokes there, seriously all true
I guess you didn´t just see me
like you used to back then
when you still knew me, a bit better at least
Before you learned how to not care
how to not feel anything
when all your beloveds are too far away

Did you recognize me when you saw me
ripping my life apart,
making it too torn to be whole
Or was it just a bad dream
like everything is
when you can´t quite grasp the feeling
of the days passing

I guess you just didn´t feel much
Didn´t feel like saving me
Back then when we used to be like lovers
you would have behaved differently
But then you learned something I never did
something I never wanted to
You learned how to be blind,
how to not mind
even when you lose all you called 'worthwhile'

Fight

The drama follows you
from your past life to your fresh start
which you surely imagined to be something great
but yet again you find yourself fighting the same problems
the ones you left behind,
the ones you thought through too many times
to be remembered
And the questions you never managed to answer
are still waiting for your attention

You tried to find someone else to do the math
Someone else to tell you what to do with your head
It can´t be working right
because if this is normal, how can all the others survive?
But the questions remain,
obviously immortal
They never range
because the drama is always the same

Regardless of what you try
regardless of who you meet
Regardless of what you want
you find the same doubts again
You can leave everything behind but not escape
You´d like to believe you could change eventually
How come you don´t see already that you can´t?

Struggle, honey, struggle
That´s what you promised
but you´ll never kill your enemy
unless you take your life

Reunited

The heaven needs them back
to be reunited with their wings
but what if I´m not ready to let go
of my guides,
given to me too late
to show me the right road
that would take me to the end
succesfully
instead of finding myself lost

Heaven needs them back
but so do I
Who shall win?
Who needs them more?
I can only speak for myself
and that´s what I´ll do
I´ll tell them that there´s no way saving me
if they should go

It was too late, I know
but what if there´s still another crossing
ahead of me
What if I´m left alone again,
left alone to choose
I need someone to tell me what to do

Please, heaven, just wait a bit longer
It´s just a while and
then I can be glad to give them their wings
and come with them
if there´s a place for me too

Devil

Are you serious
because I'm not quite sure
and you refuse to tell, you devilish creature
Yes, I don't know
when I don't recognize your tone
Your motives are the embodiment of mystery

You say one but what is that you really mean
Many things are left for guessing
and I'm no good at it,
nowhere near as good as you are
Even when you're drunk you won't let go of your secret
but cling to it even tighter
behind that jestering smile

You don't know me, this shouldn't be possible
You shouldn't know how to hurt me
how to cloud my weak self-respect
Keep your poisonous words to yourself
so to not create a mess you can't fix

Do you really mean
what you say behind your metaphors
Will you still keep your word
if your sentences are turned into plain English
into something I can understand as well?

It's a dangerous game you're playing
at my expense

Extreme, addiction

You were part of my sane days
now chasing me over the edge
with no sense of mercy
Isn´t it enough already?
Haven´t I gone more than far?
Haven´t you?

Extreme is never healthy,
like I didn´t know
no need to prove it
I believe you
Go away

I´m crazy by now
you don´t have to tell me that
but it doesn´t give you the right
to keep pushing me
closer and closer,
deeper and deeper
Just let it be

Ultimate is never rational
but something you should be able to leave aside
I´m not stupid
I can see it
and admit I was wrong
Now I´m not

Oh yes, my visions are blurry
I see only the lights
in the middle of the darkness
you´re creating over my head
to make me lost
I´m already your victim,
just forget it

Obsession is never pleasure in the end
when the joy goes too far
and starts feeling like pain
But it´s too late then
to regret, to be sorry
Though you could still die

I give up, happy now?
You got what you wanted,
I got what I deserved
if the world works the way you wish
Now I´m completely lunatic,
want to come and see me
like this, like I´m not

Addiction is never the saviour
it pretends to be
when you start playing with it
You think you can avoid it
but there´s no way escaping
Just let me die

Viola in the rain

You´re like a viola in the rain
you whisper gently and
brush my wet locks off my face
You bend down to whisper:
You shouldn´t hide your eyes from me
because they´re everything
I want to look at
that´s all I want, my viola

You´re like a wrapping paper of sweets,
you say smiling and touch my lips with your thumb
You´re so near
but refuse to come any closer
That´s fine, I´m happy like this
There´s something so innocent left
I wouldn´t dare to move closer

I just realized that you´re gorgeous,
you say and I can tell by your eyes
how serious you are
though there´s always something playful in your dimples
Don´t care to scold yourself fat
and never say you´re ugly
because it breaks my heart
to hear you say so
it´s not true,
you continue and I know
you really mean it

You´re like a butterfly flying against the window
pursuing away
will you let me to save you,
you ask and I don´t know what to answer
I´m insecure, I´m sure you know it
but like this,
your scent in my nostrills,
I couldn´t care less
as long as you´re there
everything still possible and made for us only

I´ll save the world 2nd

I'm so tired again
of all this feeling
of the inability that drowns everything
When all I can do is spread my arms
if you ask for help
When all I can do is shake my head
if it's about to give in
I lay awake in the nights
drawing my battle plans
on how to save this world and
how to save you

You're mine, my precious
A key to secrets I never knew there was
You're a riddle I'd like to solve
but I fear I cannot do it on my own

I've searched for help
for you and me
and opened my heart and mind
so you'd have a place to hide
hide from this evil world
where even karma doesn't work as they say it does
Good things don't happen to good people
but they have to answer for what the bad people have done
I'm helpless as I watch you die
a death I can not stop
Piece by piece you disappear
until I cannot remember what you used to be
so long ago
when you were still whole, or at least fixable
Every second is a step further away
from you, and there's nothing I can do

Halos are breaking
and angels can't survive in this world
So thank god I'm only human
but you were created too good

I'm confident I can save you
and the world on the side
It has been done before
Miracles have happened
and failure is not an option
as long as failure equals death
My hands may still be bound
but it can't be a hinder
I won't let it be
but be stubborn instead
in good and in bad

I'm so tired
of all of this
But it's not about what I can and cannot
I'll just spread my arms and catch you
Just shake my head and
see your distress from the corner of my eye

You´re a promise to me 2nd

Behind the unfathomable distance
you are, with everything you have
and here I am trying to reach you
from where I will never find you
You've disappeared into the fog of space
your voice lost over the distance
Mountains and plains rise thundering between us
and I can't feel even a brush from you

If I were a psychic
I could feel your aura pulsating among all the others
now I have to try and image it's fragile twinkle
like a candle sending a message to outer space
With white fingers I hold myself
waiting for a connection
and all I feel is the enormous longing
of intimacy that I never did have
To me you're a promise that never was made
that was never validated with a blood oath
You're a promise that can't be kept
the one I lean into to survive through this

You're words in my memory
that are slowly fading away
I chase them through cold dreams
to store what left of them
that have no other safety net to fall on
Your spirit is far away, and I can't catch it
I'll send you smoke signals, do what it takes
The rhythm of the drums calls out for you
getting lost in the way
fading away like the flutter of a butterfly
and the cyclone will never arise

You are unrecorded things
something that doesn't exist in the physical world
With weakening arms I try to hold on to the little
that you had time to give me
It's like heroin that I'm craving more and more
and I can't give up just yet
Surrender is a sure way to destruction
when I'm staggering so close already
I'll take one last breath
before a lonely death
I'm still trying to reach you
find a channel to you
Your aura is pulsating in the horizon
behind solid walls
I'm still here as well
unwilling to leave
until you're here again

The distance is keeping us apart
Souls forged from the same spirit
I'd want to believe in telepathy, but I guess your mind is too bleary
to receive my feeble thoughts
Thoughts that emanate pain
Pain that your separation causes
Don't let the mountains grow any higher
don't let the plains get any wider
The shadows grow with them
But still I wait for you
and refuse to give up

I can't give up, because of you
I promised to be here, to do what I can
It's time to reclaim those promises we already made
and hold on to those we never had time to say out loud

So I asked Sith Fisto to just read my translation through and fix whatever needed to be fixed. And she re-translated it. I´m so glad she did because this one is so much better than my version of it. As expected. I wanted to re-post this and "I´ll save the world" (which she also re-translated) so you can see it yourself. No reason to hide good work!

Not even love

Can it truly be love
if it hurts and makes you hurt
taking your thirst for life
eradicating the future in front of us
snuffing out the final light in the tunnel
Can you call it by a name
that is reserved for beauty and purity
or is it just irony
self-coiling sarcasm?

Is it even love
if there's no use for it
in everyday life
if it only consumes and claims
if you only want to run away from it
Is it anything but hate
if you can't stand it
without buckling under pain
without slipping into depths of despair

Isn't in blasphemy
to call such a feeling that way
Love, what on earth is it
I haven't a clue, but I can feel
it's not here, not now

But what is this then,
when you don't want to see the other one go
when longing is the purgatory of your soul
Could it be love in it's purest
when you have to fight for it
when you can't imagine living without that feeling
when it became the only reason to exist
Isn't pain a part of love,
so you could truly appreciate it
if it ever evens out

What could you call it then
if love is damned as the wrong one
when pain has no more limits
and you're not even looking for them
when the heart can no more
but doesn't want to give up either

Thanx, Sith Fisto. Again.

At least you can not

I scream from the top of my lungs
transform the final drop of air into a sound
Desperate endeavors are for the hopeless souls
for final consolation
When you need the very last push over the edge
the weak won't have the courage alone
The torment must be taken to the extreme
so that even death would be better
and I'm not too far from that either,
soon goes out my sanity and my voice
In vain will you come to hear it
once I have taken it to the grave
you weren't on time

When the wolf howls towards the airless sky
I have already lost my hope
I just don't know how to give up
even though I should
Your name is a curse and a prayer on my lips
Lips that hardy work
for so dry they are,
so far have my teeth sunken
I hardly know myself
Why can't I give up
when even I don't think you'll answer
even I don't believe in my delusion
I guess I want to be sure,
before the final farewell
that I have done my all
taken my insane plans to the end,
they are all that is left
from my prime
days when love was still a pleasure
in stead of a desert of distress

And so I scream
till my cords give in
it can't be too far
I feel as a ghost
or a wraith, incapable of leaving my post
But if I'm just a memory now,
can I even die?
Have you taken that final satisfaction,
final hope of peace,
in your belief that there's no hell
Have you redeemed that from my behalf,
just like everything else?
My dreams have only been wearing,
don't tell me there's no escape
What would I do then?

Only the echo answers my call
pointless, I knew it from the start
My lungs bleed
so worn out they are
but I'll go on until I drown in my own fluids
I suppose it's the end I'm worthy for
You never arrived,
in my eyes
So never come,
it would be too bitter
You must learn to give up,
if you haven't already forgotten me
The bitter end of my loneliness is here
Not all wolves have a pack
and not all can be loved

At least you can not
and I can't wait forever
may it be pitiful or not

I need you

I need you, my miracle
now when every word looks like a lie
when I can´t separate my actions from my dreams
when the last lines drawn on the water are disappearing
I need you worse than I believed I could
but where could I find you
So versed are you in disappearing and hiding
into one of your hideouts
which you built all under wraps from me
while I was planning a future for us

I need you, my miracle
as I learnt to know you
as you described yourself
That´s the point, I never created a perception of you
but took what I got and saved it
I didn´t ask, I didn´t believe
only trusted like a fool can
Why would you have lied
Yes, why

I need you, dear miracle
now when I don´t remember who said and what
who promised and when
who looked who into eyes and kissed
without permission, as always
Who, which one of us
or did I imagine it all in my day dreams
They´re occasionally more real than this moment
Tell me if I´m completely sane
even when I don´t always know
if the voice comes from head
or from my ears
my hopes or reality

I need you, miracle darling
to tell our history
as it happened
not as I hope it did
Or it doesn´t matter what you tell me
as long as you come back

And can you must

But I love the pain
as long as it´s mine
and it´s mine to keep
So go and don´t care
because you´re not like me,
you´re not this sick yet

So I love the pain
and I will take it all
All you can give
Make more if it´s almost running out
Make more to keep me busy,
dealing with it
so you can go
while I´m not watching
because you have to
hence you´re still not dying

My hands are cold and numb
You may let go, I won´t notice
So I love the pain
that I´m willing to save you
Believe me,
for a masochist this is the only way
Only way to do it
If it wasn´t you, it´d be me
And you must go,
fly like the happy times
which we had so little
You must go
as long as you can
And can you must,
since you´re still just the weak you

Game over

It´s not game over
before I say so
You think you can overpower me
and make decisions on your own
No, mister
You cannot, it´s just an illusion
I made up just for you
to make you easier to lead
where I wanted to take you
And you came
you weren´t even a dog on a leash
Because you didn´t make the choice to follow
You never had any

No, I´m sorry to say
but you´re the fool, the idiot
I was joking all the time
playing with you
Oh, call it cruel
call it whatever you might
It´s too late, after all
But still not game over
You don´t even know the rules
We never agreed to have such
but this is no democracy

It´s far from game over
I have plenty of lives left
But how about you?
I wouldn´t be so sure
I´m your god now
The administrator
Do you really want to debate?
Are you willing to risk it?
Well, it doesn´t matter
because I´ll do what I want
despite what you say or do

Yes, mister
I´m immune to your actions
It´s just boring to play alone, don´t you think
I needed you
and will need
because it ain´t game over
far from it
I don´t see the finish line yet
So bite me, hurt me every way you think you can
but mister, you can´t

It´s not game over until I say so

Please

Please, don´t just stand there and watch me fall
as if you weren´t the responsible one
as if it wasn´t your fault
Do something!
at least go away
and leave me
like everyone does in the end
Like everyone wants by now
Save my dignity
if you still want to let go of me

Please, don´t stand there and enjoy watching me
as if you were the sadist
I taught you not to be anymore
as if you wanted to see this
before the end of your days
Close your eyes
if it´s not too much to ask
And it´s not, I know that
Like I always closed my eyes
before you hurt me
so that I could believe it wasn´t you

Please, don´t stay there like nothing was wrong
as if you didn´t realize what´s happening
as if it´s happening too fast
Even if it was slowmotion
you could always run
Run away!
Like I ran everytime you tried to catch me
You´re cruel, there´s no doubt
not even in my naive heart
but please, go and kill someone else
I want to have this last moment just for myself

The one to blame

It´s you
ripping my skin off
It´s you
taking my last bits of walls down
It´s you
making me go through all this
But what for?
The benefit seems to be ridiculously small

It´s you
pulling me apart with every action you do
It´s you
the only one to blame
Why, I don´t know
and I won´t ask
The answer would hurt,
hurt even more

It´s you
revealing my vunerable side
The one that was non-existent for long
The explanation must be good
making this reasonable

It´s you
and I know that
In one point it could have been me
I was already killing myself
too slowly for you
If you had given me time
it would be all over by now
Because you got excited
and won´t let go

It´s you
making me suffer
and I suffer from you
But the last hope is still here
unable to die
Save it
if you can´t have mercy for me

Inspired by Super Junior´s song "It´s you".

Hardly

If I was like glass,
then you were fog, mist on the leaves
If I was hardly visible,
you didn´t exist at all
If I was open and sharing myself
giving it all out
you were taking it all in,
no matter how thin it made me inside

Closer you got me,
more interesting it became
No need to pull me
I came willingly
The first kind words made me instantly
an addict
It was sick, I knew it even back then
but for another reason

Pouring like rain
the words came out of my heart
I wrote them to someone who could treasure them
But you never did, or did you?
Well, if you did you would be here now

If I was a fool,
you were an idiot
If I insane,
you must have been crazier
If I needed someone to help me,
you needed it more
You gave me all that advice
but now it looks like I can´t believe them
Or maybe it´s easier to teach
than live up to it

What was the point?

I know, I know. My personal poems SUCK.

A nick in the internet

Your face still freaks me out
it´s damn scary to see you
with another name, another person
Not knowing if you exist
Creepy, creepy
my nightmares here, alive
Still not recognize you
from behind that name
as if the man who stayed awake all those hours
was just a nick in the internet
taking over its inventor

Your face wakes me up every night
I see it and want to run
but which way, I don´t know
I´m not angry but I don´t miss your lies
Another name, another personality
wipe away the guy I got to know
What you left me is beautiful
and I´ll treasure it till the end
If I could erase the rest
like pressing 'Enter' with my fist
and let it go away

Your name is not real but it´s all I know
and that´s the name I keep calling
I still check if you´re online, if you´re here
like you used to be, never for real
I reach over the past time,
try to remember your words
Pick up the ones that accidentally escaped
but seems like you hold it perfectly

I´m wandering and I´m scared
maybe even the false would have been better
better choice
but I made it already, now have to watch you go
Your name, your face
The ones I have in my memories
They´re not true, not to you
still, how could I let them go
since I can have nothing for replacement

No more reason to log in
to run from real world

I suppose it´s easy to know who inspired this one.

Butterfly

I called you butterfly
I made you my miracle
even when I put the words into your mouth
never had a single doubt
and blindly believed that you agreed
My love for you was so elastic
it had no borders
Only for you

I called you butterfly
like you had wings of an angel
I imagined you doing the things
you never wanted to
Something you never thought of
all the while I was playing with you
like you were a doll
But you were the master of the game,
you controlled me from the beginning
Naive eyes are easy to misslead

I called you butterfly
as you were beautiful as the sky above you
I believed you were something
in the end you disappeared
and I´m the loser of this play
Who chose to lie in the first place?
I never had the chance to decide
but you were ready for it,
you planned it all

I called you my miracle
when all you did was fooling me
I did not know your face, not your name
but hold on to them
as they were all that was given

I still call you butterfly

Inspired by SHInee song "Ring Ding Dong". It´s so creepy to watch it, and listen to it. And that´s what inspired this one.

Requiem

It's time for your requiem
Can you hear the bells?
Their booming carries the message
so they can open your grave
And secure your final resting place
I light a candle but won't yet cry
for it's only the first few chords
-We've still got time

Do you feel how the stone is pushed away
from blocking the mouth of the mausoleum
The men already working hard
digging a hole into the rocky ground
The intro is now over
and your heart still gets to beat
But soon, soon ends the music
as the final notes turn into sound
But no, I won't grief just yet
I have time for that later
and I can still feel your warmth on my hand
May that be a sign for me

So eager is Death to approach
the scythe burning bright
Fear not, for it is a gentle and worthy death
if you won't break before it
Now comes the silence
singing in the final whisper
No more ringing of the bells
you've gone away already
I place the wreath on your chest
you can close your eyes now
The journey to the afterlife is already over
for you have already arrived
and I can have my long awaited tears
but you can't take them with you

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Symbiosis

We´re feeding a dream inside of us
that is more real than the rest
than all which you can touch with your hands
Because matterial doesn´t matter,
it´ll be destroyed
and even if we forgot all what´s beautiful
creativity would be an endless power
And I don´t know how to grief the distance between us
or how to miss being close to you
as you´re right next to me in my soul
like blood in my veins

We´re carrying the shared hope
that is not a vermin but in symbiosis with us
And all the beauty can be taken from around us
but our inner visions can´t be contaminated
not touched with all the terror of this world
I wouldn´t give away a single piece of my castle in the air
to get items back
And your face is never too far for me to see
Ever
In my mind´s power you´re always present
as you can´t be forgotten
I don´t feel sorry for all what´s between us
it can all be beaten
I´m never out of reach
even if I left
I shall come back to you
in spirit or in flesh

No return

Past the point of no return
I´ve taken my masochist lies this far and
now it´s time for my masochist suicide
Because that´s what I´ve lived for
what I´ve believed in
after leaving the fear of death behind

Past the point of satisfaction
when only the ultimate can make me feel
I´m now racing for the final orgasm
the only thing I want to reach
No other end my addiction can have
because suicide is my life

Past the point of common sense
and entered the world of madness
with no desire to come back
The last reasons have now lost their meaning
though they never had much value
And finally there´s my award
so close yet not here
This is where my path ends,
where it took me
My masochist suicide

Again a bit dark piece. I just had the idea and I had to use it, as always. I can´t waste my ideas even if they´re bad or even if the outcome is bad. So here it is again.

Heavy with words

My chest feels heavy
As if someone had stopped there
Searching for warmth
A crushing feeling that I can't shake off
Creeps over me as we meet once again
I scream for the words
But they stay put
safe in my head going in circles
Shapeless pieces bouncing around

I tremble as I try to push them out
I create them tormented
And they grow within
But never become strong enough
I'd shriek out loud and shatter the windows
If the words just had sounds and syllables

I wait for the right moment
To shake off those satellites
make preparations and plead you to look in my eyes
But the words still won't leave
As if they were anchored to me

I don't ask for miracles
Simply want to make my feelings clear
During the day I chase for words
And at night I dream of them and of your replies
And as the morning comes I have forgotten it all
I practice speeches, write letters
And my nerves writhe as if death itself was holding them
The truth remains a dream
As the last minute evasions turn all to dust
Trying to foresee the answer, trying to force you
Into forcing me
Ask, oh please ask!

Ask, oh please ask
It's all I'm yearning
That merciful sentence that ends in a question
Demand me to reveal
Is what I beg of you between the lines
With hidden clues trying to lead you to the treasure
Grasp the little I give
Hold on when I try to shrug it off
Is what I'd beg of you
If only the words would obey

I dread I will sound old
Or that you start to laugh
It seems it will take a lifetime
For the right moment to come
So I'll practice speeches and write letters
In case you happened to read them

Translated by Sith Fisto, my beta.

Do you love me now

Do you love me now
when I´m lying broken on the floor
Do you feel the love for me now
when my body is shattered, ruined
Do you see it,
my masochist lies
and torn limbs
The blood stream on the floor
Do you love me more now

Am I more attractive
my heart broken like this
Am I more beautiful
my eyes blind but still open
Was I too perfect and innocent
to a devil like you

I had to cross the line
to get to you
but I got lost and
went a bit too far

Do you love me now
when the blood is on the wrong side
Do you love me now
when my heart is visible all the way
Is this the way you wanted it
Is this what you meant?

Does this turn you on
does it feel like you wanted it to
Is this murder the last satisfaction or
will there be more?

Did I do a good job
when I did my best
Was this enough for you
enough brutal and
enough dirty for you?

Do you love me like this,
dead and cold on your floor
Do you want me like this
or will you get tired soon
No other than love
made me cross that line
No other than your love
made it all occur

Do you love me now
when I´m the image you wanted to see
Do you love me now
when I can´t enjoy it anymore?

Something I wrote quickly last night. I don´t know where it came from or what it is about but I had to write it. And I´m glad I did.

Messiah

When others turn their backs
I expect you to set an example
to be the forerunner
I know it's not easy to break taboos
and that nothing is as hard
as focusing on the right thing
But don't let it overwhelm you, get a grip
If you can't do it then no one can
It may be difficult but not impossible
but it's not enough to just repeat it
you need to understand as well
Live like it's real in your life
where there isn't too many second chances

When others turn their heads
and refuse to hear
I need you to open the path for those of little faith
Be a breakwater, an ice-breaker
create roads where there are none
and don't let your eyes wonder
Force yourself if that's what it takes
only with self-discipline can you build better
Believe in it
and other will as well
prove it's possible

When others run away
fearing the quick, tough death
I need you to take on what others evade
even if you tremble under the heavy load
don't let it fall but take it to the end
because only there will it be of any use
Believe in the truth, hold on to it
you can see it, so head towards it
Soon others will spot it as well
and the bravest shall follow
the weak you may have to carry in time
but it's something that has to be done
if you wish them to follow
The days will be hard
but try to prevail

When others give up before they have started
encourage yourself
they won't do it, never will
because all their strength goes to living
So be strong for them
be a leader, be a messiah
save what's worth saving
and leave the rest behind
but perish you can't, it's not your right

Translated by Sith Fisto, my beta

Orphan

I´m smart enough to know
what I´ve already got
And no reason to get greedy
it´s better than nothing
Everyday things are the hardest to remember
Hardest to appreciate
before the chance to thank is gone

Self-pity makes me see myself as an orphan
with starving eyes and heart
reckless soul
But sometimes
-not too often-
my eyes are opened
to see it´s me making the drama,
my artistic imagination bullshitting me

I wouldn´t be here if the reality was written by me

You´re my miracle,
my life changing and saving miracle
You´re the ones taking the gun off my hands
even if this road can have no other end
Yes, you´re my miracle
reason to make it through

You´re way better than nothing

I would call it love if I could
If I knew how to define such feeling
I would call it love if I knew how to pronounce such sentence
If I was brave and less ridiculous
Less naive
I would call it love
if you did first

The future stays out of reach
Who knows when the chance to thank is gone
It´s impossible to appreciate enough
hence I´m trying to grab the words now
You should be available
no matter if the situation is right for my secrets to come out

You´re my miracle
and I´m learning to trust
Yet you´ll give me few lessons more, no doubt

I might be strong myself
but the real strenght comes from the ability
to ask help when needed
The real strenght is in you.

I wrote this on the way home from Tornio. It´s for those who I trust the most. The only ones I trust. The Fantastic Four. Bex, Veera and those Two Damn Koreans.

Bridges

Useless bridges are ready to be burned
After all it's still warmth and the feeling of it as well
bitterly acrid but warmth all the same
and I´ve never despised it
I´ll let it all go now til the end
when there´s no reason to stop

Good memories are lite to take with me
They shall carry themselves

Was it me the one who blasted the atomic bomb
or was it some pyromaniac
It doesn´t matter, it can all go
Smoke is easy to breath in
strong and potent, almost liquid
just what I need not to shiver

Good memories don´t take much space in any bag
when I pack only the best

Storms have tendency to abate
and roads don´t expire immediately
but fire is final
So let it be, I was about to give in anyway
change just speeded up its pace spontaneously
Amen, hallelujah
My blessing is yours, chaos and catastrophe

Good memories are free to follow me on my flight

The last look
and the smoke can´t make my eyes smarting
I won´t put the fire out with my tears
because they´ve run out now
That´s all I have to give to the worthless from my own

Interrogation

Stop questoning
because the answer is always "I don´t know"
it won´t lead anywhere
Not every question has an answer
sometimes even the reverse
And not all explanations should be said out loud
Isn´t it so, knowledge doubles the pain

Not every action has someone to take the resbonsibility

I´m not dodging the duty, it just isn´t mine
And since you´re already so sure of everything
nothing matters anymore
In the end we both share the consciousness
of what is real, what brutal fiction
and this shouldn´t go like this

No regret

I feel no guilt, no regret
What would it change if I did
It´s not apology you´re waiting for
and I´m still not a liar

What would it change if we had hope
if it wasn´t already too late
to save our shattered pieces
I don´t want to find out
I´ll close my eyes now
Whatever you want me to sign, I´ll do
if that´s the way to be left alone

It´s a bit hard to remember
that you´re not monsters

Tell me your last truths
so I´m free to go
Feel no sorrow, no regret
I´m not fixing this for you

All credit

My life´s running out so fast
that there´s nothing to catch
when you´re willing to take it
It´s too short, it can´t be caught
It´s too big, it won´t fit in the cage

I´m out of heartbeats already
It´s all credit now
but I can´t pay it back
My heart is flying like a bullet
and it´s just as hard
Don´t reach out to get a hold
it´s all going now, going down
I see it, I know it
but I ain´t stopping

I´m not praying, never make plans
Life´s too short anyway
Let me fly while I still can
I´m unreachable
I can´t be caught

There´s nothing good in this one though. Only lines "I´m out of heartbeats already/ it´s all credit now/ but I can´t pay it back" are maybe useful later on.

When the time is right

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s the last chance to make a difference
before being defeated

I thought I deserved something better
at least better than this
I hoped you had more in your hearts
When was it too late for me
to become beloved?
I still had faith, in the very end

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s the final try to reach out
from our shells

First it was just paranoia
then my fears became too real
They took place, they existed
And even though you tried to assure my mind
it was always too late
because you knew the truth all the way

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
this is all we get
for our efforts

It was easy to let that happen, wasn´t it so
I know, we´re all humans
but just very childish, all fools
You let that happen to me
and I wasn´t fighting back
like I should have

When the time is right,
it all comes to a bittersweet end
When the time runs out,
you have to make the best out of it
and move on

I had hope, I had faith
maybe I was naive, maybe the idiots were you
At least I hope that in the beginning
of this all
you were as sincere
as I always have

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s your chance to change
for your own sake

Wow. I think I just wrote lyrics. and it´s actually about me. and my so-called friends.

And fuck me

Fuck them
fuck them all!
And fuck me
for reacting like this
guess I´m the only one surprised
The naive one who couldn´t see this coming
behind the corner
in front of my eyes

And what exactly was my crime?

Parasites turned their backs
when they couldn´t use me to death anymore

What´s your excuse?
Don´t be ridiculous

Fuck me
for being the kind fool I am
They can all go to hell
so they´ll know where I´ve been
last years of my life

They´re really not worth my words
not worth being remembered as they were

I´m so freaking ready to let them go

Not exactly good poetry but I had to get some thoughts out of my head, they were so angry that I couldn´t hold it.

In confusion

I can´t give myself
the honor of knowing you
With thousands of questions
I try to get to you
learn you from head to toe
Like it was possible, you might say
Words are only words,
not the real truth
And your answers have limited power

And you´re not making it easy,
not even when you really try
because you constantly change
Every day, it´s a new face
there inside of you
Still I never quite understood you
but only the words you gave
to quide me, like small hints
Yet I tried my best, I really did
but what can I say,
I failed
epicly

Don´t get me wrong, please don´t
Keep changing, stay different from me
that´s what makes you all so interesting,
worth talking to
worth asking all my questions
Give me your hands, just to quide me more
and I´ll follow,
to find out some more

I´ll save the world

I´m so tired, again
of all this feeling
inability drowning everything
I can only spread my arms
when you come asking for help
I can only shake my head
when it´s impossible to take it all
I lie nights awake
making plans to win this war
How I save this world and
how I save you

You´re mine, you´re my treasure
You´re the key to secrets I didn´t know existent
You´re a mystery I would like to figure out
but seems like I can´t do it on my own

I´ve searched for help
for you and me
and opened my arms and mind to you
so you could be safe inside of them
Run away from the evil world
where the karma does the opposite we think it does
Good things don´t happen to good people
but they take all the responsibility of bad people´s acts
Feeble I watch you dying
and I can´t stop it
Little by little you disappear
until I don´t remember anymore how you were like
in the far away past
When you were still whole or at least fixable
Every moment a small step further
you are, and I can do nothing about it

Halos break
and angels can´t survive in this world
That´s why it´s good that you´re only human
but you were made too good

I´m sure I can save you
and the world
People have done it before
they´ve done miracles in the past as well
Defeat is not an option
as long as defeat is death
My hands are tied
but it mustn´t be an obsticle
I won´t let it be
but I´m stubborn
in good and in bad

I´m tired
of all of this
but no one´s asking what I can take or what I can not
I´ll just spread my arms and catch you
I´ll shake my head and
see your need with the corner of my eye

This is actually pretty old. Or not old, but not new either. It just took some time before I bothered to translate it, that´s all. It turned out pretty nicely.

Dying lamp

Darkness is absence of light
It´s made of nonexistent
Does all there is to see disappear with the light?

When someone dies
it´s like switching off a lamp
except not with everyone

Some people are like lanterns
lights, beacons, candles
Alone they shine in the dark
where you just have to find light
They generate it by themselves
they´re strong
Some are dim, some bright as the sun
blinding to look at

While others have an ability
be like black holes
sucking all the shiny into themselves

And others have no light, no lack of it
They´re like spots in the darkness
shadows among the others
it´s like they don´t be

I want to be that dying light
I want to leave absence of light behind me
I want it to be noticed
when I die down, when someone turns off the power:
I won´t remain as a splotch in the inky water

Soulless

I´ve heard that I can have no soul
since I deny God
Like something had broken inside of me
at the very moment I started to rely on science
But I don´t understand such a lie
because of course I´ve got a soul
If not, then what´s the part crying in me
when my eyes refuse to do their job?

For me the soul is just a name for
what makes me me
The one that cries over the sorrows of the world
which yells in confusion
pouring all the feelings it carried on paper
as a desperate effort to save all the fleeting moments

No, you can´t disclaim my soul
and there´s not a religion that would make it more real
The ones dying in their faith, blind and unwise
slaves of their god
I can´t save, don´t even want to
And do not tell me lies
which I easily know to be only horror stories

Miserable poet´s son

This poet´s son is miserable
In the moment of the biggest joy
after a long waiting
I don´t know how to trickle syrup
with my pen on to the paper
but stare mute in front of me
straight on the liberating words
My head is so empty
that my happiness should have no limits
but it all will stay inside of me
until I realize it myself
and someone else shall write the happy poems
I can´t do it
I´ll just write about sorrow, pain
Smile, happiness remain outside

But inside of me I can be glad

A life worth living

Would you fall for me?
I´m down here,
reaching up to the rest of the world
And it´s shining so beautiful,
so unreachable
My eyes hurt to look up to the sun
I´m a creature of dark,
of all you´ve ever been scared of
Now, gime me your hand
pull me up
take me there
where air is clean and breathable

Do you want to reach for me?
Bend, bend your body over the edge
you just might see me
if you really try to
I´m so dark myself
so rotten inside
I´ve become almost like everyone else
Save me right now
if you´re going to
Tomorrow I might be too deep to want it

I´m reaching for you, for someone to listen
Someone to whisper all my fears
I won´t make a sound, don´t be looking for it
I´m silent like the darkness itself
just as shallow as all the shadows
I´m the creature of the dark
wishing you could be like me
You´re the promise of better times,
better days
A life worth living

I´m leaning on your good heart
Your warm, caring side
Don´t leave me here, rotting
One day more and I´ll be gone
Like the shadows when the sun comes up

Discovery

When you find what you went seeking for
don´t be afraid of coming and showing it to me
Even if you brought a new love in front of me
I wouldn´t be scared to look it in the eye
It was me who equiped you for your journey
with my unwavering faith in your strenght
Wouldn´t I be hypocrite if I declined to see the result of your discovery

Bring it in front of me, no matter how it hurts
There´s no pain unknown to me anymore
And if you happen to fall for someone else
there´s nothing I can about it
I won´t accept a heart next to me which doesn´t belong to me
I want you to be mine
If it can´t be so, you can disappear
and stay away forever

And I couldn´t take someone like you either
couldn´t love credulousness
as well as couldn´t love naivety
That´s why I sent you to look for it
just in case you would find something better than me
Because only afflicted love lasts and
is worth having
Even if you don´t find it, come back anyway
At least you then now there´s nothing better than me in this world

Graduation Speech

We have to go forward
but our past demands us to stay
I wouldn´t like to lose or forget
or to be forgotten
Future shouts in front of us
promising us the land and the riches
Will we be lost in the labyrinth of possibilities?
We´re now at the end of the straight paths

It´s time to become one´s own light
get strenght from something else
than what is familiar and safe
Step over the border frightens
but we have to go over
we mustn´t wait

Don´t ever change,
the ones who will stay in my memories
Otherwise I can no longer recognize you
amongst people like us
There´s nothing to fall on
have to make a new fallback

Change is here
It gets it power from us
Let´s not let each others down, not now
It´s our time to take the world on our hands
Don´t forget me
There´s not a obvilion so deep
that I could lose you in it

Wait

Could you wait for me, please
Just one moment more
I´ll come and pick you up then
right now I´m busy
But don´t worry:
I´m hurrying only for you
I´m coming as fast as I can

Wait, don´t go yet
I´m late and
I can´t get the time back I´ve once lost
But I promised, didn´t I
I don´t remember ever betraying a single promise
I´ve made for you
Hold on to my words
while you still recall them
Repeat them in your mind and
you know the truth
I´d never play tricks on you
I´m far too much in love for it
So wait just a little
I´ll catch up with you soon

You´re watering the ground with your tears
in vain, I can tell you
I´m just behind the next turning
always one step after your gaze
If you paid attention you would notice I´m present
I´m not lost
just ended up far away
but I´ll find my way back

If you just call my name

World is huge, my love
You get easily lost there
and obstacles are sometimes enormous
I´m not as strong as I´d like to be
for you
I try anyway, I do my best
I´ll come and get you
if you can wait just a moment longer

You´re a promise to me

Behind the immense distances
you are, with your all
And I try to reach you with my hands from here
Where I´ll never find you
You´ve disappeared to the mist of the distance
your voice gets lost when it travels over the kilometers
Mountains and plains rise between us
and I can´t feel a single touch of you

If I was a psychic
I could feel your aura´s beat among the others
Now I have to imagine its fragile twinkle
like a candle, signaling out to the space
I hold myself while waiting
to get a connection with you
I neither feel anything but enormous longing
for intimacy that I´ve never had
You´re a promise to me which was never made
which we had never time to confirm like blood brothers
You´re a promise which will never be fulfilled
The one I lean on to get through this

You´re words in my memories
fading slowly away
In my cold dreams I chase them
to store their remains in my mind
and my mind has no other protection to fall on
Your spirit´s far away and I can´t catch you
I send smoke signals, I do whatever
The jungle drums´rhythm comes to you
but it´s lost on the way
dying down like butterfly´s wings´ flutter
and the cyclone will never arise

You´re unrecorded things
something that doesn´t exist in concrete world
With weakening hands I try to hang on to the little
what you had time to give to me
I want more, like it´s heroin
and I can´t give up yet
Surrender is certain way to destruction
when I´m staggering so close already
I´ll take my last gasp
before my lonely death
Still I try to reach you
find a channel to you
Your aura beats in remoteness
behind sturdy walls
Still I´m here
and I won´t go
until you´re here again

Distance keeps us apart
souls, made from the same spirit
I´d love to believe in telepathy but I guess your mind is too muddy
to receive my thoughts
exhaling pain
your separating causes
Don´t let the mountains grow
don´t let the plains stretch
Shadows´ll grow with them
but I´ll wait you despite their existence
and I refuse to give up

Because of you I can´t give up
I promised to be here, to do anything
Now it´s time to reclaim all promises we had time to make
and hold on to them we had never time to say out loud

I just wrote it to get some thoughts down. About this all. There´s another "poem" like this waiting but I´m not sure when I´ve got enoygh energy to translate it. This one took so long and it´s still shorter the one waiting. But yeah. This is what I think, guess about who.

Loyal

Selfishly I wait for you
At the usual time
I´m loyal, like you once said
And I won´t leave my guarding tower
I´ll wait until you come
even though you´re now in splinters because your loved ones
But I´m just afraid of losing you

I´m selfish but you don´t believe it
Still I assume you to patch me,
you to know how to comfort me
when I grief for your grief
And I still can´t stop,
still I beg you to say those words

Still I wait for you
At the usual time
so I could be close to you

Part three.

Distance

Distance, the all between us
makes everything harder
My lap is empty
when I can´t touch you
I can imagine your tears
but I can´t take them away
not even from my visions

My arms miss you
Selfishly I hope I can talk with you
even though I know that I should be the one listening
If something in you breaks,
it´ll break in me too
Because I don´t want you to change

I seek you from my side
From the place you´ve never been
And either of our calls reaches over those kilometers

Part two.

Crystal Glass, Key Trilogy part 1

I can´t let you break down
you, of all people
You´re like crystal glass in my hands
and I don´t dare to move
to make sure you can´t fall
I don´t want you to get a single crack

With nothing but words I try to keep you safe
At least somehow shield you
I´m not strong enough to watch your tears
but still I would dry every one of them with my sleeve
And I wouldn´t let you away

You, my treasure
Your pain lives as agony in me
Still my legs will carry me to you
I´ll come and take all bad
that would fall on you otherwise

Part one.

Sorry, sorry

I am so sorry
for breaking down like this
It makes me feel guilty
pouring it all over you
I´m so sorry for you,
that you have to listen
But I´m too selfish to stop now
Stop making your burden heavier

Here you are, comforting me
telling me that it´s okay
That you still care and want to be here for me
That you´re still strong
ready to carry me as well

I´m crying my eyes out
No, it´s not like me but it´s happening now
I wish I could stop, be like you instead
Be calm, be here for you just for change
I´m bursting into tears,
luckily you don´t see it
But still you tell me not to go,
or you´ll feel bad yourself

I´m not in a positition of doing this
You´re the one who deserves the shoulder to cry on
I´m supposed to be the guardian angel
not the one crashing down

You´re too stubborn
to leave me alone
and go to sleep
You should do it, for your own sake
I feel sorry for doing this,
doing so wrong

You say I haven´t done anything bad
But yes, I have
It´s a crime, to hurt you like this
and I feel guilty in front of your eyes

I wish I was you, that mature guy
watching over me
I wish I could change, for my own sake
I hope I´ll learn and remember
every word you´ve said
Because they´re worth keeping in my heart
and maybe I´ll notice
that I´ve actually grown
that I´m not selfish anymore

Written for Kibum. It´s about the chat we had last night, and it was almost exactly like this. And this is also for Key and Adam. God, if you exist, it´s your time to step up and save Adam. Save Key. Save me.

Laugh with the dot

You´re always telling me weird jokes
I just never understand them
Then I end up laughing, with the dot in the end
Hahaha.
God, I suck even at laughing
It sounds like you´re actually torturing me
to death

It makes you sad, me laughing so awkwardly
I´m just used to be a stone face
Laughter is something rare
when it´s real

But keep telling me those weird jokes
And I shall laugh with the dot in the end
It doesn´t mean that I don´t want to laugh,
for real

I want to listen your weird jokes
and you

Inspired by Kibum, my Korean friend.

Conscience

To be honest
I have to be cruel
It´s not because I don´t care
but because I can´t lie face to face

Sweet stories,
made to last
But my tongue won´t say them
As long as they´re not true

And I´ve tried, to say pretty things
Pretend that I care
Still I value honesty
That´s the path I´ll take

Stone cold truth
Is the only thing that will remain
I´ve got conscience here,
speaking loud
It shows me the way to go

Just to be honest
I stay cruel
My thoughts aren´t kind
and that´s the way I behave too

Stand by me

Stand by me
Strangers on the streets will take me away
They´ll make me a rag doll,
the one I used to be
Now hold me here,
so I can stay me

Stand by me
I get easily lost
on these nameless streets
This whole town is a trap,
a doll house
But I´ll never go back there,
if you take my hand

The small rooms and tiny furniture
were build to hide what´s bad
To hide what´s real
And I was nothing but a rag doll,
easy to dress and shuck
Whatever they wanted
And I was likable,
body without brain
And I did what they asked me to do

Stand by me
You are the light that makes me grow
That shows me the life I could have
You´re the reason why I know
what´s right and what is not
Stand by me
or I´ll go back there
Back to nursery, back to doll house

Back there to clean up the mess
we made before we left
Oh, I don´t want to do it

Please, stand by me
Just for the moment I´m not strong myself
Just for the moment I feel like a rag doll again

Not a big deal

Words, words, words
Someone´s lie, someone´s truth
Someone´s life
But what are they:
nothing but agreements
wearing new languages and accents

Words
You can´t live without
but you would be happier if you did
It´s you making the decision
Do they matter or are they rubbish?

Words have no power
So why should I believe the opposite
Call me whore, call me fucking idiot
Send me to the hell
It´s just words, words, words

Not a big deal

The most conscientious girl

Would you believe me, if I told you I desired death
Would anyone believe,
how carefully I´ve already planned it all
The most conscientious girl in the city
pride of her parents
grades above the scale
She won´t lapse into such game

Would you laugh at my face
if I tried to say goodbye
Would you push me away in disbelief
when I tried to hug you for the last time
Would you do anything to save me
or would you give me up willingly

Blue eyes don´t lie
and brown haired don´t get depressed
The hope of the city
She won´t enter the play of death
Such a clever girl

Would you hear my cry for help
if I whispered into your ear
if I sent you a text message
Or would you delete it as a bad joke
would you turn down my calls when you´re too busy to answer me?

And it´s like killing you

And it´s like killing you
So slowly and smoothly
You´re too unselfhish to say it out loud
But it feels bad day after day:
That´s not how you believe

The worst is yet to come

And it´s like eating you
you´re still holding your outside together
while collapsing inside
Why didn´t I hear the crush
I´m sure there´s no reason for you
to come out of the bed every day

How I wish you could only cry
Speak out what´s making you drown
How I wish I could be your soulmate,
but I´m made to talk

It´s about compromising
but you´re only listening
when you should talk too

Bad karma

I´d want lot´s of things
But if I have learned anything during this life,
I´ve learned that I don´t get anything I desire
My wishes crumble before they fly

I must be paying for someones bad karma
Maybe a serial killer
whose death wasn´t enough to aton

My self-control is quite impressive
I stop all my words, all my prayers with it
and suffocate unsaid dreams
I have to be careful for what I´m wishing for
because I never get what want

People like me

I hope you never meet someone like me
Danger caused by me you can somehow avoid

When you´re with someone who cares only for himself
You should be anything but unselfish
It makes you an easy victim
Easier to slaughter
It might not always be the purpose
but it doesn´t stop it from happening

People like me don´t always mean bad
but all we can do is hurt
We get tired with normal life so quickly

Soul sisters

Can we be soul sisters?
Oh, I know:
It sounds like a cheap choir
or cheesy, corny band
But it´s not about this world:
It´s a connection
not confirmed with biology or blood
Don´t even mention DNA

It´s a connection
between sisters in their souls
Soulmates, grown separated

I regocnize you
There´s that spark around you
I was sure I was the only one carrying it
But I´m not

Cheesy indeed.

Smaller world

He looks out the window and sighs:
"The world has become smaller since I looked at it last time"
Mist leans on the window
True, the world is turning smaller
It´s right here, in this room

His lukewarm eyes don´t see much anymore
He has lied more than enough
and his eyes are now deep in the skull
Now he´s going home, as a child

His world is right here,
in this bed
It can´t be broken, it´s too late
Better stay quiet

Maybe world will become normal again

I miss you so, grandpa. More than for years.

Interesting life

It´s so much easier to imagine an interesting life
than actually, truly having one
While dreaming you can skip all the boring parts,
like brushing your teeth

In real life it hurts too much
when something happens
because usually it´s something bad
and not wanted
No matter how boring your life was

In books and dreams you can always skip the hurting things
and make them better
Words can´t tell how the pain is like
even though hundreds of poets have tried

Holy sleep

There´s something holy in sleeping person
Wet tresses on the neck
lips ajar
Breath runs free,
incontinently
No matter how bad it smells

It´s allowed for sleeper

Sleep brings sanctification and rectification
and makes its worshippers priests and priestesses
You mustn´t wake up a sleeper
You mustn´t disturb a snorer in his holy chore

When sleeping human is as bare as possible

Only a sleepwalker will find what he is looking for
and come back home safely

My love is a dragon

My love is a dragon
he throws fire and he has spikes
he is green and he has scales
He lies on the livingroom sofa and gives off smoke
flames around his nostrils

He rules the room to the detriment of me
I always have to be careful where I step
so that I won´t walk straight to his poison

His tongue
-it´s forked-
can reach up to the hall

My love is a dragon
Mythic creature
With his wings he flies with me
We fall from the sky
until I´m scared
Then we´ll come back home safely

I´m in love with a dragon
so great and dangerous
so beautiful and demanding

His fire will keep me warm

Still

My love, my saviour
is in disguise
And he´s doing it well
He is hiding
and lets his gaze tease my instincts
I´m walking paranoid through the villages
with my eyes turned to my back

Still he lets me wait
He leaves me wilting
like a rose in the burning sun

I expect to find him behind every corner
I follow the signs in the sky
Twitting he just stares at me
until I reach him

Still he lets me wait

Mist and dust

I´m breaking down
Completely
because someone just let me go
when I was too weak to hold myself

There´s no pieces to pick up,
no puzzle to put together
There´s just mist and dust,
dancing in the air
Running their way away from me

I´m the mist and the dust

I have broken down
like my shattered heart
I should try to speak
but how can I,
when my lips are now ash

I never talked, I never listened

I have mist in my hands
making my eyes wet
I have dust in my lungs
making me sob

Not alive

We´ve lived like we are not alive
And it´s a shame
No wonder why
we´ve been treated like we´re dead

No wonder why
we´ve been forgotten like one

We´ve lived like there´s nothing
to see, to feel
Like we´ve already had it all

So we said:
"Life´s a cliché and people are naive"
So we decided:
"It´s stupid to live, to feel
Let´s die now while we still can"

What if I don´t agree anymore?

Misery

Shiny, silvery rails
They so so far,
further than I can see
So shiny in the sun

The sun shows the best of all

And the voice is like
gods and angels singing
coming down from the sky
The voice is shiny and silvery,
The sun is shiny but not silvery

If beauty could kill
I´d be dead
Actually,
I´d be dead and happy about it

Shiny bullets on trails
Big beasts are smiling

So the train comes
And misery ends

Shiny, silvery blood

Tonight

I don´t want to die tonight
or any night
Sleeping makes me scared
I´m afraid of dream taking piece of me away
while it disappears

My pieces are left in the night
and the puzzle can´t be put together

Dream is close to the death:
Where does the consciousness go?
It´s dreadful
I don´t want to die tonight
or ever

One kind of disease

Fingers bleeding I try to write
what´s hurting me most:
nail clippers
I use them to reveal the skin under the skin
but I have to hide from gazes

Blood-shiny fingers
I try to grab something
but it hurts too much
I have to let go

In the dark moments of the night
I separate my fingertips and throw them away
By the morning they are already healed
so no one will see, I guess

No one will see
because I deny everything, ashamed

One kind of disease

Stay true

Do you know where your heart is?
It´s always comlicated
You shouldn´t really trust him that much
No, it´s not the right place and time

Stay true

He´s just seeking for happiness,
like we all do
So he´s ready to take everything he can
and then he´ll run
He´s interested in you for sure
since you´ve still got a heart

Stay true

I want to hear it from you

I want to hear it from you
All the words you left unsaid
just to keep me on my toes,
just to keep me interested in you

You are not interesting yourself

I want to hear it from you
The Truth you´ve advertised
To be honest I think it´s nothing but a lie
but it will be something new

It´s really easy to entertain me,
you know

You always find a way
to cover up your mistakes
and make me look good
Like we never did something wrong with our hands

It´s just a story you are going to tell me
but I have to hear it from you
because there might be something
that´s too close to the truth