You´re a promise to me

Behind the immense distances
you are, with your all
And I try to reach you with my hands from here
Where I´ll never find you
You´ve disappeared to the mist of the distance
your voice gets lost when it travels over the kilometers
Mountains and plains rise between us
and I can´t feel a single touch of you

If I was a psychic
I could feel your aura´s beat among the others
Now I have to imagine its fragile twinkle
like a candle, signaling out to the space
I hold myself while waiting
to get a connection with you
I neither feel anything but enormous longing
for intimacy that I´ve never had
You´re a promise to me which was never made
which we had never time to confirm like blood brothers
You´re a promise which will never be fulfilled
The one I lean on to get through this

You´re words in my memories
fading slowly away
In my cold dreams I chase them
to store their remains in my mind
and my mind has no other protection to fall on
Your spirit´s far away and I can´t catch you
I send smoke signals, I do whatever
The jungle drums´rhythm comes to you
but it´s lost on the way
dying down like butterfly´s wings´ flutter
and the cyclone will never arise

You´re unrecorded things
something that doesn´t exist in concrete world
With weakening hands I try to hang on to the little
what you had time to give to me
I want more, like it´s heroin
and I can´t give up yet
Surrender is certain way to destruction
when I´m staggering so close already
I´ll take my last gasp
before my lonely death
Still I try to reach you
find a channel to you
Your aura beats in remoteness
behind sturdy walls
Still I´m here
and I won´t go
until you´re here again

Distance keeps us apart
souls, made from the same spirit
I´d love to believe in telepathy but I guess your mind is too muddy
to receive my thoughts
exhaling pain
your separating causes
Don´t let the mountains grow
don´t let the plains stretch
Shadows´ll grow with them
but I´ll wait you despite their existence
and I refuse to give up

Because of you I can´t give up
I promised to be here, to do anything
Now it´s time to reclaim all promises we had time to make
and hold on to them we had never time to say out loud

I just wrote it to get some thoughts down. About this all. There´s another "poem" like this waiting but I´m not sure when I´ve got enoygh energy to translate it. This one took so long and it´s still shorter the one waiting. But yeah. This is what I think, guess about who.

Loyal

Selfishly I wait for you
At the usual time
I´m loyal, like you once said
And I won´t leave my guarding tower
I´ll wait until you come
even though you´re now in splinters because your loved ones
But I´m just afraid of losing you

I´m selfish but you don´t believe it
Still I assume you to patch me,
you to know how to comfort me
when I grief for your grief
And I still can´t stop,
still I beg you to say those words

Still I wait for you
At the usual time
so I could be close to you

Part three.

Distance

Distance, the all between us
makes everything harder
My lap is empty
when I can´t touch you
I can imagine your tears
but I can´t take them away
not even from my visions

My arms miss you
Selfishly I hope I can talk with you
even though I know that I should be the one listening
If something in you breaks,
it´ll break in me too
Because I don´t want you to change

I seek you from my side
From the place you´ve never been
And either of our calls reaches over those kilometers

Part two.

Crystal Glass, Key Trilogy part 1

I can´t let you break down
you, of all people
You´re like crystal glass in my hands
and I don´t dare to move
to make sure you can´t fall
I don´t want you to get a single crack

With nothing but words I try to keep you safe
At least somehow shield you
I´m not strong enough to watch your tears
but still I would dry every one of them with my sleeve
And I wouldn´t let you away

You, my treasure
Your pain lives as agony in me
Still my legs will carry me to you
I´ll come and take all bad
that would fall on you otherwise

Part one.

Sorry, sorry

I am so sorry
for breaking down like this
It makes me feel guilty
pouring it all over you
I´m so sorry for you,
that you have to listen
But I´m too selfish to stop now
Stop making your burden heavier

Here you are, comforting me
telling me that it´s okay
That you still care and want to be here for me
That you´re still strong
ready to carry me as well

I´m crying my eyes out
No, it´s not like me but it´s happening now
I wish I could stop, be like you instead
Be calm, be here for you just for change
I´m bursting into tears,
luckily you don´t see it
But still you tell me not to go,
or you´ll feel bad yourself

I´m not in a positition of doing this
You´re the one who deserves the shoulder to cry on
I´m supposed to be the guardian angel
not the one crashing down

You´re too stubborn
to leave me alone
and go to sleep
You should do it, for your own sake
I feel sorry for doing this,
doing so wrong

You say I haven´t done anything bad
But yes, I have
It´s a crime, to hurt you like this
and I feel guilty in front of your eyes

I wish I was you, that mature guy
watching over me
I wish I could change, for my own sake
I hope I´ll learn and remember
every word you´ve said
Because they´re worth keeping in my heart
and maybe I´ll notice
that I´ve actually grown
that I´m not selfish anymore

Written for Kibum. It´s about the chat we had last night, and it was almost exactly like this. And this is also for Key and Adam. God, if you exist, it´s your time to step up and save Adam. Save Key. Save me.

Laugh with the dot

You´re always telling me weird jokes
I just never understand them
Then I end up laughing, with the dot in the end
Hahaha.
God, I suck even at laughing
It sounds like you´re actually torturing me
to death

It makes you sad, me laughing so awkwardly
I´m just used to be a stone face
Laughter is something rare
when it´s real

But keep telling me those weird jokes
And I shall laugh with the dot in the end
It doesn´t mean that I don´t want to laugh,
for real

I want to listen your weird jokes
and you

Inspired by Kibum, my Korean friend.

Conscience

To be honest
I have to be cruel
It´s not because I don´t care
but because I can´t lie face to face

Sweet stories,
made to last
But my tongue won´t say them
As long as they´re not true

And I´ve tried, to say pretty things
Pretend that I care
Still I value honesty
That´s the path I´ll take

Stone cold truth
Is the only thing that will remain
I´ve got conscience here,
speaking loud
It shows me the way to go

Just to be honest
I stay cruel
My thoughts aren´t kind
and that´s the way I behave too

Stand by me

Stand by me
Strangers on the streets will take me away
They´ll make me a rag doll,
the one I used to be
Now hold me here,
so I can stay me

Stand by me
I get easily lost
on these nameless streets
This whole town is a trap,
a doll house
But I´ll never go back there,
if you take my hand

The small rooms and tiny furniture
were build to hide what´s bad
To hide what´s real
And I was nothing but a rag doll,
easy to dress and shuck
Whatever they wanted
And I was likable,
body without brain
And I did what they asked me to do

Stand by me
You are the light that makes me grow
That shows me the life I could have
You´re the reason why I know
what´s right and what is not
Stand by me
or I´ll go back there
Back to nursery, back to doll house

Back there to clean up the mess
we made before we left
Oh, I don´t want to do it

Please, stand by me
Just for the moment I´m not strong myself
Just for the moment I feel like a rag doll again

Not a big deal

Words, words, words
Someone´s lie, someone´s truth
Someone´s life
But what are they:
nothing but agreements
wearing new languages and accents

Words
You can´t live without
but you would be happier if you did
It´s you making the decision
Do they matter or are they rubbish?

Words have no power
So why should I believe the opposite
Call me whore, call me fucking idiot
Send me to the hell
It´s just words, words, words

Not a big deal