The sailors

Sailors found me from the beach
when I was little
so it must be hundred years ago
I drifted behind the seas and oceans
and I belonged to the salt of the water
No wonder why I haven´t adjusted

The sailors found me
before I drowned to the sand
They raised me on their ship
and sang me all their wild and fierce songs
My words still don´t belong to the dry land

I lo0ked at the red cities from the highest mast
and decided to go there for adventures
Now I feel sorry for that girl
who made that silly decision

Because all the cities cry salty tears inside
but it isn´t sea water

Piece of my novel.

What I did to my body wasn´t anyone´s business. Pain was my way to escape, it was necessity. Without the pain I would have swelled like a balloon and then collapsed inwards. Become unidentified. Pain kept me attended, kept me awake and in touch with this word. It kept me here, embraced me.

Sometimes I felt terribly defenceless. Like I was standing on a steep downhill unable to put on the breaks. And no one was there to stop my sliding, reaching out a arm. No one was there to hold my hand even when I wanted to let go. I felt like nobody would stop me from falling. I would drift alone towards my early death. I knew I was going to die. I just knew it deep inside of me. I felt it but I couldn´t find any help, anywhere. Like I was floating by everyone. And they didn´t notice where my route was going to. I had no anchor, no breaks, no way to stop and turn back. No strenght left to get back where I once was, somewhere on surface. No one warned me or guided me. I was lost in the middle of everyone. Alone but surrounded. I was drifting, falling. All my senses were cut off. No sounds, smells or tastes, nothing to see but only crushing darkness. Almost apathetic I let the current take me closer to the vortex. It would take me straight to the bottom. And I was screaming someone to help me.

That panic was crippling. It smothered my last cries, tied my hands and forced me walk towards the gallow. My only little helper was pain, cutting myself. It woke me up, it was like air for drowning. Every draught hurt but every draught must be pulled, there were no excuses. Every single peak of pain was like heroin. I felt better and lighter. I didn´t care anymore about the fact that I had nobody. That no one actually worried about me. I was able to hear and see again. I did exist. I could feel the vortex, existence of the bottom and waiting depth but I was a bit further away, just for a moment. I opened my skin to let the bad blood flow from my system. My heart could beat, my lungs could fill up with air. Colors of my memories were brighter. I breathed. My hands were free. How could someone judge me?

Of course I had a loving dad and good friends. But they had no idea where I was going to. They didn´t see me or my anxiety. There were times when I wanted to stay in the bathroom, bleeding in the middle of blood circle. I wanted to sit there until my dad came in and found me. I wanted him to help me, be there and comfort me. I wanted to walk to him, show my scars and tell all the bad things I had done to myself and what I had wanted to do. I wanted to cry on his shoulder and let all the sorrow and pain go away with the tears. And I wanted to hear him say: “Everything is going to be alright, honey.” But I didn´t want him to think that I had gone crazy.

Sure I had done more than just cutting my wrists. In the beginning I didn´t dare to cut. I hold the knife in my hand and pushed it against my skin but I just couldn´t do it. Then my mom told me to do it. She said it wouldn´t be as bad as gnawing anxiety. And even now when I felt too helpless and unable to breath, I would beat myself up until I got bruises if I didn´t have anything to cut my veins open. I scratched myself until I bled. I ripped my hair and hit my body. It helped too but I couldn´t keep on doing it long enough, unti I felt saved and less defenceless. Once I hitted my side so hard that I think I made a small crack to one of the ribs. It was painful two months. And I of course enjoyed more than suffered.

Some folks say that they would like to be free but I wanted be chained. That someone would keep me close, warm my hands and brush my hair. That someone would care about me, notice if I broke down under the weight of my inner tears. That someone would miss me if I died. But I wouldn´t die, ever, if I just had that one person. That special someone would fight for me even when I dragged myself towards it, death. And I wouldn´t feel defenceless, I wouldn´t have to be afraid. I could breath and I would have a reason to open my eyes every time I closed them. No more need to be hurt. Pain hurts really even if you desired it. It tears you apart and leaves those pieces come together again as well as they can on their own. Like drugs will burn out the junkie before they tore that poor junkie to ashes, the pain did the same. I knew it but it still was better than agony, insecurity, living in a bubble. I still chose the pain even though I knew it wasn´t good for me. There was nothing else to use. The worst thing that can happen to you is when you bring yourself in a situation where you notice that you don´t have anyone to call for help.

This started to feel a bit naive while I translated it even though I was really happy with it when I wrote it.

Poets

I was healing
but now I´m only bleeding

I know your fears
and you know mine
It must be terrifying to look me in the eyes

Maybe it´s because we are poets
Poets and artists
No one really knows about
So unfamous, aren´t we

We will have our miserable lives on our own
Until we must die, young and poor

It takes hundred years to make a big name
And then it´s too late to pay the pain away

Here it goes. Thanx Bex for the idea.

For the ending year 2009

I´ve been reading some of my old stuff nowadays. It just seems really odd how I´ve changed. Those early, early poems seem really akward and childish. I can´t even look at them. And I can´t understand how you were able to say that you liked them. Honestly, if I had read those pieces first, I wouldn´t have bothered to keep on reading.

All your comments. Full of compliments, full of enjoyment and enthusiasm. Lucky, lucky me. Maybe I wouldn´t be here writing this shit without you. It´s a compliment or then it´s not.

How did you stand me back then? xD I must have been really, really annoying. Well, I must admit that I still am. But maybe, just maybe, I have grown a bit too while the world has moved on its route. I can´t say for sure that I´m any better writer than I used to be, but at least I can read my works without crying out loud how bad it is. Maybe I should cry, instead of thinking that I´m doing alright.

Sorry for this, I just had to.

Ripping

I´m ripping my lips and fingertips
it hurts to speak or touch
It hurts (like hell, you would say) anyway
and I can´t stop
Blood is no excuse

More it hurts,
better it gets
Scars won´t go away, but
that´s how they are meant to be

It hurts to kiss or hold you
Your sweat makes my cry
So I love the pain in my hands
Come, please come

It´s sick and guilty pleasure
Skinflakes flowing in the air

Another poem inspired by Bex. She wrote "Freedom Cocaine", I wrote this.

Imagined, faked and made up

I´m all imagined,
faked
and made up
I call myself a poet
but I´m just a story myself
Shallow ink on papers

When you lose the surface
It´s hard to fight back there

Where you were

Someone is dreaming about me
putting words to my pen
And I feel like
I´m managing this alright

I feel like I´m doing alright

All imagined,
faked
and made up
Have to preted
that I´m managing my life

Missing eyes

Like you can´t find the truth
You know that feeling
when you don´t seem to know the person at all
There´s a great secret you find out now
and there´s nothing you can hang on

You just keep believing and fill the holes
in your story
by yourself
So others don´t have to

And I can´t find the eyes
I was looking at

Eyes can see

I guess I was never sane
when you were around
I suppose you have raelly strange opinion of me
and it´s easy to get to know the outside
even miles apart:
you can´t hear the words, but
your eyes can see

And I was a fool, one kind of
I smiled shyly and covered me teeth with my hand
What a pity, it wasn´t that

Even though we never spoke
I got to know you
Eyes can see
when there´s no words

Too naive eyes

I do not no longer understand a thing
I love you with my all, fragile soul
Now you tell me, that you wouldn´t grief
even if you didn´t see me ever again
Did I live in a lie
I built myself
with my too naive eyes

Or did I believe in goodness
that never was for me

I guess I wanted too much
to become attached
even if it was you,
who never needed me anyway

December sky

It´s cold and I´m
frozen inside
Like empty December sky

There was a hole between us
And you needed someone to fill it
It just wasn´t me you wanted

I´m feeling the emptyness beside me
Seems like I´m not supposed to be
like the hallow sun in the December sky

There was a hole
and someone had to fix it

A star

You are a star, that hardly existed
A story, whom inventer
didn´t have time to tell about you
A poem, whom poet
did never have a pen or paper
You had to live in memories

It was so close,
that I didn´t open gates for you

On skin

Do I trust, it´s not the question
but Do I dare to trust
If I let you come to the skin of my soul
will you stay here?

Will you keep your promises, it´s not the question
but How long will you stand still?

From too close you can get only further

Right when the trust borns
it has to be choked alive

Down, down

Like a jollyboat on a misty sea
I drift without touching anyone
And no one knows my predicament

I need help

Quietly I go
pass other people
They don´t see where I´m going to
Vortexes attract me

And they´ll take me down, down

I´ll soon be out of sight
My audience watch me as I go, nodding
yet they don´t notice
that I have no way of turning back

Yell for death

Most of people want to be free
but I want to be chained
That someone would hold me
even when I glide away
would stop my voyage and
slide me out of danger

Would give me power and means
to get where I was

I have no surface to hold on to
so you´ll need lots of will to stop me

That someone would grab my hand
even when my lips yell for death
and I want to let go

Little distance

Not one of us is as strong
as we imagine each other to be
But it doesn´t matter:
You´re still stronger than me
you promised to guard me even when I´m not right

Stay there, a little distance away
If you come any closer I might fall apart

Stay there a moment
Very little distance away

I can´t take more happiness yet

Pain, mine

Yes, it hurts
like someone is scooping me with a spoon
It´s totally another thing
will I let it show
Silent suffering will make you beautiful, won´t it?

There are times when all this hurts me
But you won´t see it
You´re not meant to
That´s my pain

I´ll keep it by myself

You can´t imagine me screaming from pain
There´s no such pain
that it could get out of out of sight

Our homes

We are coming down
We flew high but
didn´t find anything we left for
So now we´re carrying our ashes back

We are coming down to Earth
We know there´s nothing better
than feel the soil under our feet
Oceans are salty
and they´re still green and blue
We look up the sky and think loud:
"We are home"

We are landing
to place wellknown
No matter how far we went,
ground still remains our homes

Watched Wall-E today.

Dying

You are the cut in me
Open vein on the surface of my skin
My skin, fatten under the knife, can not keep my fluids inside
I´m feeding my dry heart with my blood

I´m dying from shortage and you don´t even notice it

Did I say it once or thousand times
how I need mercy
I don´t remember, I can´t remember
I can´t separate times when I´m awake
and times when I´m not

Gracefully you disappear without remembering my face even for a moment

I´m dying from pain
when you eat what´s still left from my feelings

My fairytale

You know the case
but nothing about the feelings
You can see what I´m doing
but my heart should hide from your gossips

I wouldn´t like to spread this all over

How can you judge me
when you don´t know my motives
Get away from the behind my back
because I won´t care anyway

My story is beautiful now

Stangers aren´t allowed to destroy it

To the woods

She was carried to the woods and left to die
She was taken there, so no one would find her
She was left to the woods to die
so she would be only a corpse ´til the dawn

She stayed there and we staeyd here looking for her

No one speaks with her now
and the secret covers the last moments

Was she carried or did she walk
like animals retire out of sight when they want to die

Castle in the air

The ground gave in
Right here, underneeth my feet
and took me and my childishness with it
and dropped me into dark hole
just to grow up

If you had given me a direction
where I could go with my new, blind eyes

Life and its meaning

I wonder if they never were the same thing

Without a bottom I fall
I rose so up, so high
I felt freedom lifting my wings

I should never dream, it hurts
It hurts so much
that you wouldn´t believe
while you build your castle in the air

This is for you, Bex.

Period.

Don´t bother quiz
Why, how, why on earth
It was those questions which finished me off
They blurred

Others go others stay
Someone just don´t have any space left to breathe
Survivors reach better standard of living
when burdens drop off

Don´t bother turn everything around
There was no letter left anywhere
No, I didn´t forget you or anyone else either
I started to think for myself

I lived for myself long enough to die
I ended, period.

Hallow heart #2

My hallow heart has trouble with surviving
all courage is gone
empty beat is haunting in the rooms and veins
Oh Dear,
my hallow heart might be dying

Adrenaline and fresh blood
in and out, in and out
How long can an illusion last

Open my chest and steal my hallow heart
Time has run out
Future committed suicide

Hallow

My hallow heart has trouble with surviving
It´s kinda broken and
so hallow

jumping alone

in my chest

without arms to reach to you

Fucking idiot

She starts ro raise her voice
What can you do, your voice is quiet
Whenever she listens, she might hear
When she speaks she´s immune

So she yells at you
Telling you whatever she likes
You fall defenceless
Here´s only one queen

Why can´t you speak your mind?
That´s the questiong both keep asking

Fucking idiot,
so she says

Fucking idiot,
so you believe

Home with butterflies

I rush off with butterflies
just to get there before you
to turn lights on and catch you
when you fall inside from the door

You don´t have to come to silent home
(like I do)

I make a bright yellow fire
so you can see far away that I´m here

Butterflies fly so quickly!
If I win them, I´ll be there before you gaze
So you don´t have to see
how homeless it´s around this place
without the most loved person

My value

I´ve been on my knees
I have wormed and been forced to beg
Like those developing countries´ rounded-stomach children
except that I don´t look that endearing
even though my eyes will appear from my occiput

So yes, I do know
how it feels to look at all
with the eyes of banished vermin
That´s the reason I don´t want to go back there
I won´t let you pull me under you

I know my value

It´s not much but it´s my value

It´s not about pride
I had to ate it to stay alive
It was left there in the moat
But I´m not going to return to the bottom

I was once there, once got back
It won´t happen twice

Searching for runaway

I don´t want to be seeked
But I´m out of choice
Hiding to save my escape
Poor little steps didn´t take me far enough
and you are already on the way here

I have been somebody
So they will come to search me

And find me, eventually
They´ll tell me how important piece I am

"You shouldn´t have run away
you made us worried, you naughty girl!
We all love you, stupid girl."

It´s all lie

You let me go first
Let me now be that way

A Failed Poet

I wrote myself again
made my world and deleted it
I thought it would change me into something good
Honestly, say the truth
am I anything more than what I want to destroy?

Words are the power I use
they are what makes me so different
So fucking much better than you guys killing me

Killing my sweet little soul

Surprise, surprise
I´m not an actor
Lines I wrote were worth of rubbing away
My spirit is still not a character

Honestly, do you see something I could save?
My heart is gone and so are my amazing words
Words you once adored
I´m a failed poet
Why cannot I delete myself

Guys and Girls, I´m really waiting for few lines from you. I miss you and you know how you make me rise above all that makes me so fucking tired.

Dead End

I am getting nothing out of me. Sorry.

Blown away

Where was the moment
which made us change?
It´s hard to notice now afterwards
but maybe we understood that something new started to blow

And it started to blow us away

Our lips tasted the eternity
I imagined you to change but in other direction
Did you think that I was going to last?
Save me now in your memories
like the smoke of the last cigarette in your lungs

We didn´t notice to stop the reformation
when it was here

A silent person (#2)

I´ve been keeping secrets
So long time
Now every word remains unsaid
I didn´t know that things can grow inside of me
I caught myself holding my breath
Because my lips started to leak

I´m not silent person
And never was
Before you made me feel that way

I feel like throwing up
I try to catch some air and
shout for the very first time
Why do you seem like running away

It´s like I was blind and sick
and now been healed

I´m not silent person
And never was
Before you made me so

I´m so loud and violent
I will make you suffer
`Cos finally gates are open
for my feet to run far away

I´m not a silent person
And never was
Before you made me see myself that way

I just wanted to make this piece sound better and more alike a song.

Legohuman (#2)

I´m a legohuman
Dismantled too many times
aggregated then wrong
Pieces changed their places
and original order
is now forgotten

I´m legohuman
Chipping me apart again
so you could try to collect me right

Important pieces are lost
and lent parts don´t suit me
This kind of mess
won´t be a whole human, don´t you think

What did I say about rewriting, Bex? xD here I go again (never say never) and rewrote this poem :)

Talking for my heart

I shouldn´t talk if I don´t mean anything
So I won´t promise you even that
Because have you ever heard of a man
who had kept all his promises?

Promising is mendaciosly easy

It´s a different thing to speak than think like that too
And when you talk for your heart
you easily notice you have cheated

So watch how my hands hold you,
not which words fall from my mouth

Towards someone else

I´ve become brittle
decayed and corroded filmy
Last hit would wipe this ghost to eternal

Paces of the dark ravine
to somewhere my eyes can´t follow
I stand on them and sigh goes through me
Is it fear or just the wind?

I forgot myself somewhere there
Not a single mirror can reflect my picture from now on
not a single hand reach my incorporeal face

Too far away from this land but still not close to death

Not a single eye can see my tears growing inside
My essence, so brittle
I´m broken like a porcelain doll fallen too high

I look at with eyes of dying and eyes of sinner
sing out all I carried until here
I´d miss reaching, gentle hand
if it wouldn´t go straight through me

Towards someone else

Nuclear winter

Please, catch those angels falling from the sky
before they die
Save them
They will point us the way
and lead us forward
Like a flaming tree in the nuclear winter

Collect all believers and starving ones here
When they fall they will torch the tree
Go there and save
falling angels

From pain to joy

You were fooled to believe
-with your own blood-,
that pain will turn to joy
when you wait long enough
So you kept whipping yourself
and didn´t say no to them either

I´m not blaming you because you wanted to be a fool and believe
in what was sealed on your skin
And eventually enjoyment makes you suffer, yes,
but the opposite won´t happen

With your eyes

When I look into your eyes
I see something better,
something that only you can see in me
With your bright eyes you´ll show me how beautiful I am

"I can see you even my eyes closed,
because you are in my heart"
How could I need anything more?

You see that I´m not what I show
You see that one day I´ll save the world

The sons of thunder

Rainthreads reach down the sky
and the sons of thunder point out the guilty ones with their cusps
I bow down to the ground and I´m afraid
When will they hit me

Trees sway and make the wind run
Its steps make the grass bend
If it could find me it would probably take me with it
Best for me is stay inside

It´s good to know that there is something bigger than me
but does it have to be so scary

Jamjar

I don´t identify myself
First I lost my toes, thn feelings
I don´t know do I love anyone
Everyone around me is dying
Maybe it´s better this way

My heart is raging in a jamjar
It´s pounding the walls and sreaming quietly
The death struggle is entertaining

And that jamjar swings and cracks, but it won´t break
Despair frosts the jar
But it won´t break

Poet in the Jar... Heart in the Jar <3

With or without

Don´t worry, though my lungs rasp with highway air
You worry for nothing,
even though my heart beats irregularly (provided that it beats)
You make it speed up and then settle down
And no problem,
it´s just normal that my chest bleeds after your words

Just normal that I have to glue my smile to my face

I´ve got used to it

I don´t even understand that you have left me, when you run away
It feels the same, with or without

Mourning

I´m having my mourning period
In my black clothes
Under the gauze look bloodshot eyes
when I glance up to punch intruders with my sorrow
Only You fit into my mind´s circle

With black lace gloves
I curtain my mauled hands
Blood-seeping fingertips

Whole body suffers from sick head
I cry myself weak
But I don´t want to fall asleeps and
I wait for You to come to this tomorrow

They made me give up our bed,
and Your clothes
But I´ll hold You, even if they cut my fingers off

Prepaid ran out, so did we

I hope you´re doing alright
I can´t call and ask

I´m worried, it haven´t changed

How are you, how was it like to wake up today
to rest of your life without us
I confess I didn´t even go to sleep

How did you fall asleep?
Poor me
I will soon dance on the walls
I start to text but luckily my prepaid has run out

Are you still sad or can you laugh now
Can you worry about me too

Rest of your life without us
I assume it seems better than mine without you

Forever here

When life is easy,
everyone loves everybody.
It´s easy to whisper to one´s ear I´ll be here forever
when death floats somewhere on the edge of our floating minds.
It´s harder to reclaim delicate promises,
if time runs out and new begins while we get forgotten.

Said to be

He takes my cheek between his lips
Sniffs his way to my hair
I smell tanned, said to be
How could I love him the best

Luckily he came not until now
when I know how to be the adult and safety

Slowly he presses his nose between collarbones
I smell beautiful, said to be

The wrong end of the tunnel

Now I know how this happened:
We looked to the wrong end of the tunnel, all the time
No wonder why we didn´t found the light
It shone to our backs all the way while we walked further away

It´s not the time to fall into bittersweetness, no
At least we know where to go

I guess it´s hard
How we lost ourselves
Maybe we can catch our footsteps

Human flare

I´m a human flare
Like a vortex flames beat against
Smoke covers the sky
and sucks my gaze with it

Pressure and heat lift
I disperse in sparks
My skin burns away and something inside of me roars
My soul glows with heat and it´s blue

I, the ashes, fall to the grass
I turn to soil and raise my children there

Homesick

You sat in the church and heard about the heaven
You missed your God so much
Felt like you are an angel, born in the wrong crib
You heard how good it is in the heaven
and you felt so down

But it´s wrong to hurry there,
so they told
afterwards you had done your best to get there
"It´s a great sin"
and you missed so much

Why your God doesn´t take his angel back home?
When longing hollows you
Homesick for the heaven

Sometimes is harder

Next time you ask shyly
I will answer "I´m all right"
All right, I have enough strenght to wake up in the morning
I don´t want to die away
That´s what I´ll say with clear eyes

But now I just can´t
I´m not all right
I need help
That´s not the thing you want to hear

Sometimes is harder than most of the time
But when you ask again,
I can smile back
I´m trying
There´s no reason to make you cry with my misery

Gentleman

For a while I thought I saw you coming by
I admit, I got frightened
What would you say now,
what would you do
I opened myself to you and noticed,
even though you are a gentleman,
I can´t talk to you face to face

I shouldn´t have opened my heart
I got frightened of what was inside it

In lieu of your love

Sickeningly sweet flowery odour fills my lungs
My blood flows to my thighs
while your gaze lies on my hurting face
Sweaty shirt stick to my surface in lieu of your hands

"I suppose we will see later?"
I don´t think so.

If I didn´t get anything from you,
I still had few new bittersweet rhymes
like I didn´t have them already too much

Can´t you have any mercy

Sense speaks and eyes tell the other story
You can argue but one of them will always win
Eyes dress up the beautiful truth in a lie
Can´t see, can´t see
if, then too much
Oh, if you just could listen to yourself

You are the most harsh

I´m coming in

Knock, knock, knock
Is anybody there?
This ain´t knock knock-joke any longer
I´m too far from myself
She won´t open

There´s a part that feels
The part who moves and speaks with a mouth
And then there´s me:
Stranger to my body
May I introduce myself?

Who am I nowadays?
I´ve lost my body to her

I´m not a silent person

I´m not a silent person,
and never was
Before you made me feel that way

Thoughts speed through my brain
and hit my mouth constantly
Now I have to throw it up to you
It´s going to be loud and violent

And you just have to take it

I´m not a silent person
and never was
Before you made me so

They are so big in my mind
and I´m too small to hold them back
It´s loud and violent now
I´m not silent anymore

This could be a song if I worked on it. But I don´t know... What do you think?

If I could get away

If I just could get away
By wings or foot
If I could just get away
So I wouldn´t have to suffocate

I don´t have enough strenght
I don´t know how to explain
Right now I just don´t have enough strenght to be here

There´s no end for this
And I´ll be next
I don´t believe in better future,
because there is no such thing

I´m tired and there is no solution
If I could get away

I´m alone
Not in this situation but still alone
I´m the weakest and I fell
Still I´m the one who will make this happen again

Fallen angel

Angel wings have fallen onto the floor
Now there is an angel walking without wings
No way to disappear

I should have loved you more
so you could have stayed pristine
I shouldn´t have taken you
You still had that child inside you

Where is the angel walking rigt now
Did you even take shoes with you
How could angel now recognize all the cities
When he can´t look at them above all

Sepia pictures

Memories like pictures from the news paper
Got wet in the rain
Corroded thin in fingers
Can´t recognize them anymore
Anyway everything is like reading the news
Something awful every day
Luckily it never happens here

Everything isn´t fine in this archive
Here is yesterday and here birth
There must be something in between!
Cuttings from the morning´s papers in their frames
Stoped to pretend
Can´t recognize who stands there
Real life covered with sepia shades

Out of channels

Now, when blood runs free
I can get away from you
When channels don´t drow the lines
I can get away
I will drift to coast far from here
I´ll stop loving you

This love made me numb
You finished me off, must admit
But I found out a way to escape
If you could know what I planed
Finally my love dies
I let you go so you can keep on
I don´t want to breathe beside you

Disregarded

And there was no one to defend you
No one rose against the beating hand
No one denied a thing, except that
You became disregarded

So they relieved themselves from responsibility
Relieved themselves from you
No one denied anything, except that they saw
A little child barefoot outside

Saviors escaped
They forgave themselves
Even though they never apologized
That little child, face covered in tears

100 poems! Congrats, me!

Old soul still learns

Tie my hands on my eyes
Cover my ears and push me
Walking on the lake, frozen last night
Let me feelt ice cracking underneath my feet

I never was a child
Innocence run away from me
Now force this old soul to trust

Ice crumbles, I fall!
Don´t give me your hand too early
It´s time for my skin to break
Leave me afraid, so I can be revealed

Teach me to trust

Machine with a human heart

She is walking
Straight, not looking at anything
She seems tired to me, I can tell
She won´t let it show to you
Because she´s a machine

Step-step-step-step
Does she ever sleep
She works, she studies
She´s beautiful
Seems sad to me, you know
She won´t stop, and why would she
She´s a machine with a human heart

I bet she eats electricity and oil
She´s a machine
No hard feelings

Somebody´s daughter

Whose daughter are you?
Someone´s daughter anyhow
His, who loves you
Theirs, who defend you
Somebody´s daughter
Maybe abandoned, but daughter anyway

Whose son do you call yourself?
Whose eyes, whose nose have you inherited
Or whose lap offers you safety
Somebody´s son

Whose daughter, son are you?
Where do your roots grow, where have they moved you?

Glassbird

Do I now undress myself?
Won´t you laugh
My soul is a glassbird
With painted wings
You have seen me naked earlier
But not Naked

Horrible to give the worst guns on your hands
I put your finger to the trigger myself
That button with a warning: "Do NOT touch"
Now I can´t go back
Only down or forward

Look, glassbird can fly after all
After all it was made to preserve wraped to silk
Look, touch it

Sleepwalker

I roamed away from our bed asleep
Ended up to strange lap
Eyes closed I came back

With a instinct of the sleepwalker
I get to the wrong places
But it´s not the real me,
I wouldn´t do anything like that awake

This is all real, you yelled to me
Showed your bruises
While I slept I beat you up

When nightmares overwhelm me
I do what I never should
But why do you blame me,
I wouldn´t ever hurt you

We are legend!

Death can´t separate us
Easy to sware so
Weaks promise less
And collapse to cheat on each other
We are legend
Our crowns brighter than our stars

To the eternity and over
The universe will disapper before us
Gods have met their match
It´s not halves combinig
We are breathing perfectness

It´s us poets write about
Painters see us in their dreams
We are something so much bigger
Eternity is ash in our hands

Except for myself

I don´t lie except for myself
It´s just hard to look yourself into eyes
Mirror is twisted
I make myself a king
And overpower kingdoms
I make myself a fool
Mad inside paded walls

I can´t lie except for myself
If I´m not able to love myself then who is?
You can say the most horrible things only to your neighbours

I see me under the sky
I see me smiling
With my crooked teeth

Kinda "king of fools"....

Nothing

I am this girl
Who´s nothing she says
I am this little girl
Who has nothing around her
I write lies
Everything but real
I am this girl
Who thinks she´s something
That she has something to tell
Well, this is finally the truth:
I am nothing
n-o-t-h-i-n-g

I am a girl
Imagining my poetry
Saying it comes from my heart
I am this stupid girl
Surrounded by forgiving adults
Too tall to look into their eyes
I am this little girl
Who had a dream
Who thought it came true
Who actually is nothing
I couldn´t be less

I was going to say this straight, but it came this way. It just feels like... I dunno. It feels like I can´t write anything good enough for myself. And not enough. Just had to say this out loud.

God Valborg!
Hyvää Vappua!
Happy 1st of May!

How dare you

How dare you to love her
After all that crap?
It´s all history, so you say
But unfortunately it has an effect on you
It´s waste of time to dream now

How dare you?
She did nothing, didn´t she
She´s kind of person you should never hurt
You don´t have the right to say "I love you" anymore
Too holy for your sinner lips

You should be gone now
Not wanting her
Not apologizing
Not saying anything
Not waiting
Not dreaming
Get the hell out of here

Your face, his face, your face

Scary, how your face turn to his
Even scarier, everything feels better that way
When ailing wrinkle close to your mouth becomes a dimple
I´m scared of which swamp I´m sinking you
When I can´t pull you out either

When I lose you and find him
My joy is great
But as you come back guilt doesn´t remain quiet
Where the hell I´m stamping you
Can´t you oppose me
If someone has to get hurt,
Why can´t it be me?

Falling and saving

I fell into the water and you came
I fell twice and you came to save me
I fell again and you came
I fell, fell, fell
You came, came, came

Once you droped me into the water
To make me survive
But I was too scared and so you came again
And I didn´t learn how to swim

Horizon

On the way to horizon
Can´t stop right now
You couldn´t keep going
Staying hungry, that´s the number one priority
Never get satisfied
There has to be always more
Pushing you towards

You´re tired, but don´t go to sleep
It would be too easy stay here
Remember: never get satisfied
There´s more in the goal you´re going
You just have to get there
You made your sacrifice
Now you must keep walking

Within your head sleeping

Slightly snoring you slept beside me
More in this moment than awake
You never woke up to this place
You slept within your head, safe

I guess your parents didn´t remember
That you shouldn´t built human only with dreams

Once you woke up and couldn´t open your eyes
Pieces separated from your heart and got lost
You should have slept
Within your head

Lack of tenderness

I found myself crying
Wiping my cheeks
I tasted the salt in my mouth
And I couldn´t remember how I came there
Why my eyes bleeded tears
I just cried
Luckily no one asked or saw
I hadn´t been able to answer

Is there something wrong with me?
I think I need a hug

I almost found.

Take my hands

Take my hands
Take me where I couldn´t built my way
Somehow I just noticed
That I can´t make it

Take me there
Holding my hands
Where is too long way to go by yourself
Wandering didn´t take me there
I only fell my knees broken

Show me, holding my hands
That place, where I couldn´t got lost

Broken wheels spinning

You´re too close
To see how I make these broken wheels spin
Tackily, but I make

You have grown too close
To see that all this works without you
I´m the power of the universe
I might not notice you leaving

This wasn´t supposed to become personal
But it´s suddenly hard to abandon
These wheels spin
Slowly crumbling
Even without you

Feathers in fire

You´re building your own, personal hell
It´s faciler to deal with others´ pain
Than face yours
Here´s pain to suffer

Dreams and reality killed each others
It´s not difficult to tell who won
Flames licking your feet

You didn´t seek feathers for your wings for this
You didn´t find them for feeding fire
Smoke is black when it rises
Rises like you imagined you would rise

We used to be so thrilled

Everyone can win
But good losers are very rare
Can´t we just give up
When backing up would be better than going on
We wouldn´t destroy anything else but our pride

Behind us long time and many tries
Fustration and anger are huge
Is it easier to grip your hands into fists constantly
Than let go?
We could be so much better

We used to be so thrilled

Useless empathy

Her face is so pale and tired
I want so bad to go and hug her
But I can´t find the words
Even when it´s easy day
It´s better to turn away
Think: "Next time"

She has cried herself tired again
If I could know what wrong with her
What pulls her down
Rumors go around making everything so bad

Her hands are shaking and she sniffles
If I could get to the other side of the hallway
If I could make up something comforting
For myself and for her
But it´s so far away

It doesn´t matter what I think
Because no one can see what´s inside my head

I´m sorry, M.

Prison without locks

You don´t need locks to make a prison
Only prisoners
One can be enough
You knew it too
That´s how you built this
Hostage in your own mind

You rarely need a judge to judge
So you built these bars
You placed your verdict and a guard
Gaze attached on something eyes can´t see

Are you going to reimburse of good behavior
And shorten your verdict?
There´s no lock in the door
Please come out

It has been harder

Since you´ve been gone
There has been more room in my head
More space to feel the agony
When I speak I hear those echos calling back

Since you´ve been gone
There has been more time
More time to think my agony
And you know, thinking makes it bigger
I try to stay busy
Too much empty space in my calendar

Since you´ve been gone
It has been harder

Moon, do you hear me

I must talk with the Moon
Because everyone else turns away
Moon shows its face even to me
Black sun has covered the golden one behind it
My smile is plastic and my eyes are glass
System falls on me and keeps me on the surface

My blood turns cold and my soul congeals
I sing my eyes closed to the stars
I mourn in cold light clear drops on my cheeks
I get stuck on the edge of my bed
Can´t get on my feet
My heart hurts and my plasticsmile falls apart

Lil´ sis

Take care of yourself, lil´ sis
We all love you and don´t want to lose you
You´re the treasure we weight everything with
The one we protect
The one who makes us stay awake

You´re piece of us
All of us
Too big to be lost
Lil´sis, take care
So that we can survive

You´re the weakest,
But you´re the best-protected

See me

See me
See me like I see
Person you used to know is gone

See me!
You look at me like I´m not here
You look like I´m the person you let go

See me
As I stand here
Forget her, who smiles in photos
See me!
You look at me with the eyes of the stranger
Where has all tenderness gone

See me, I beg you...

The ocean inside of me

Bleeding, bleeding, bleeding...
I bleed
Only me and red blood
It runs, runs down my fingertips
Drops, drops to the floor, burns holes to the carpet
It´s easy to be for a moment

Graphs of red cuts
Beautiful patterns on my skin
Signs of shame
Scriptures of pain

Bleeding, bleeding, bleeding...
I can taste copper and salt
I barely feel!
If it could last

Flows, flows, flows...
Drops become rivers
Rivers make lakes
Many lakes turns to salty ocean

Goodnight kiss

Leave me alone if you dare
Turn off the lights and lock the door
Yes, you can
I won´t scream after you: "Stay, save me!"
But will you take the blame, if something happens
While you´re gone

Let the night come in
And leave me here asleep
If you really believe you´ll find me tomorrow

Goodnight kiss turns to badnight kiss
When you seal my lips
You can hide knives and razor blades
But suidical mind is inventive

I´m only scared

I don´t love you, but they do
So why you want to throw that away
I´d love to have that

You really want to waste all good they bring?
And take this little stupid girl
Who´s not even ready
They all love you
They all will hug you when needed
I´m only scared

In this case you can´t choose both
Not like you are used to choose
And I only say, don´t risk all you´ve got
You´ll miss them so bad
I know how bad it is

I´m homesick, all the time
I just don´t have it; home
Can you ever give it to me

Can you ever make your home to me?

Truth is another lie

It´s so damn easy
Just pretend everything´s okay
One thin, weak smile
You all believe in
Truth is another lie

Keep it cool
Don´t come too close
And everything´s okay
Look at my smile
It´s not real, but how can you proce it´s unreal?

Truth is another story
If I can fool you
Make you listen my truth
It´s your own mistake, and anyway
You make your stories as well

Eyes so dark, so deep

They said: Don´t give him any hope
But being hopeless haven´t done anything good
Eyes so dark, so deep
When are you too tired
If hopeless does that,
Hope can´t make it worse

Hopeless hope
That´s what I offer
Take it, if you feel depressed
I don´t have better

Dead-end

You hurt your hands to the street
Wounds on your hands were a sign of
Another direction where you just can´t go
Where you are going to go when all walls
Have increased against you
You already feel the narrowness,
How air changes to carbon dioxide
Are you going to stop breathing
Just a bad habit anyway

Another dead-end in front of you, again
Little by little you fall on your knees
But you can´t go down either
You´ll only hurt yourself to the street

You aren´t my Romeo

I must confess
I´m in love with you
Can´t help it
One thing´s for sure:
You aren´t my Romeo
He died long ago
And took more than a half of me
It´s only fair that you know

You aren´t my Romeo
Can I ever be anything for you
If I´m still broken because of him
If I´m still another guy´s Julia
Too much little pieces
It´s not fair

Can´t you see, I´m warning you

Floor by floor into the grave

Why doesn´t anything fail
When everything should blow up to your face
And leave you there, dying
Living corpse on the way to final death
Only waiting for that moment when
Suicide is understandable

Bad words and gossips, but those telltales
They know nothing
Even your boyfriend looks at you and smiles
You wait, wait for your decapitation day
One moment, and another link brakes
You fall floor by floor
Soon you´ll be where you wanted to be:
In your grave

May you be my witness

May you be my witness
I never wanted to hurt
I never meant to kill myself
Never thought about it
Now the edge is so near
Too near to forget
I´m walking, hold me!
My hands have been looking for another hands

I knew in my heart:
I might be too broken
Too broken to give to anyone
My heart kept believing
But does it do any good for anyone
If I´m going to destroy it?

My knight

Dark
How frightening it is to face it alone
I know
I´m fighting against these dragons for nothing
Sun will set again tomorrow
It will chase darkness on its feet

You used to fight with me
My knight
You kept me safe
On your iron chest
You know how afraid I was
How much I fear what I don´t know
Anyway, you rode away on horseback
With your white horse
So you rode to look for your own princess

What ever helps you sleep your nights

Is it my purpose make you suffer
You, my dear
Well, it´s your choice
What ever helps you sleep your nights
It´s how you like it
And nothing else matters

Why so serious
This can´t be more than a game
But what ever helps you fall asleep
However

No I don´t mean any harm
So why you cry now?
Ok, I apologize
If it makes you sleep better
What ever helps you sleep your nights
I really don´t care

Why so restless, stay still, please
What else I need to say
Just to make you sleep
Well, what ever...
But please, honey, don´t bother me

So this couldn´t be easier

You´re hurting me
I´ve told that, I´ve screamed
Maybe not loud enough?
Anyway you keep on doing it

It´s the power you get
You´re maybe weak but still you control me
So which one of us is the strong one?

I can look at you with anger
You´re able to ignore it
Perfectly
Funny, because it was me who thought:
"This couldn´t be easier"

All your fears

All your fears above you
They all have grown inside you
Become too heavy to handle
You they will take to the depths
It´s you they paralyze
It´s you they bury

I don´t need fears to be with me
My life is a mess anyway
You gave up to your own mind
So your fears became your king
And so you bow them, unintentionally
All your fears upon you
Has been made to be your coffin

Your life goes by

One moment more I´ll stay awake by you
Then I give up and fall asleep
I´m tired wondering your life
Hours been wasted

You lie stiff, like a corpse
Almost not breathing
Your life goes little by little
You´re afraid of losing it
But don´t have the nerve to live it

I think they have forgotten you
Slowly you get buried under the snow
As quiet as your heart
If you had reached in time
Maybe you wouldn´t be here, slowly dying

Vampire and garlic

So many ways you have
Just to say goodbye
And you´ll use them every time
I´m going to say `I love you`
Can you read my thoughts?
It feels like it
You look away like I´m burning light
Is it me or you who you defend

You say goodbye, but I could easily swear
I´ve seen sorrow in your eyes
You don´t accept my comfort
Stupid you

You´re not looking for affection or love
Still I´m thrilled with you
We are like a vampire and garlic

Faith and hope coming home

How dark it comes before light
When light embraces me and brightness covers this all
I saw hope leaving us
Feeble it shambled away
Now I feel it coming home
Like a refugee, new happiness with it

I saw faith dying
Suffering it fade from me
Now I feel it reborn
Taking its place like it was never too far away
Never too far away to reach

Maybe, just maybe
I made myself believe all this was true

positive, eh?

Unable to understand myself

Haven´t I written these lines already
Time after time
At the lonely hours I read them over and over
Still can´t get more in between
So blank, so nothing
Everything has a meaning
But you won´t ever get it

Simple words, so meaningless
Unable to speak my language
I´ve found it hard to understand myself
Confused mind is always a mess
Try to put it on paper:
You´ll find yourself giving up
Sooner or later

This is a rare piece cos I wrote this in English, not in Finnish.

Long way to go until my madness is gone

How many men I can reel
Keep innocent face and wink alluringly
When I´ll meet the one who sees
All I have hidden and understands
How depective and infernal I´ve been and still am

How many times I can swear my love
I can´t look in the eyes anymore
Only a few seconds at the time
How many can take part of me
Before oldness takes it all
Long way to go until my madness is gone

Why I have to hurt when I truly need you
Why I can´t be here now
Stupid me, play and lose everything
I can´t remember faces, voices or names
They drown each other
No matter how hard I try to remember

Mute

I told, asked, demanded, begged you to speak
You evaded and deceived me, still so mute
You convinced me you felt the pain but weren´t ready to tell

You couldn´t scream so loud that your message
Would drown into your voice´s power
You couldn´t whisper too quietly
I´d still read from your lips
You couldn´t lie hard enough

Your silence bandages me too
Do I hunt my own tale
Love is immortal and so is stiffness
How many walls I have to across
Until I get to you

why, why I write so much about silence? about person how don´t speak? boring and dull. maybe this is the last one ;)

Land of deserted houses

Under sky, painted grey
Suffuses loneliness
Rains frozen water
It hacks me down

I´d scream but here wouldn´t be anyone to be found
Harrowing wind has taken even ghosts
You can hear only echos
It´s useless to weave life between

I can feel how houses collapse under their weight
I wonder when will scawengers arrive
To destroy what never was too strong

Thousand stories, taken to the grave
Don´t you feel how misfortune is still with us
In the land of deserted houses
Only madness stays

Älä rakasta minua vielä

Älä rakasta minua vielä
Kun et tiedä heikkouksiani
Älä rakasta vielä
Kun et ole valmis sortumaan

Et tiedä miten miljoonalla tavalla
Voin kiduttaa sinua ja itseäni
Et tunne miten pimeää sielussani voi olla

Älä rakasta minua vielä
Kun joudut niin helposti kyyneliin
En ole kertonut mitä voit saavuttaa jos olet rohkea
Enkä mitä tulet menettämään

So I decided to post my poems in Finnish and English. For now at least.

Don´t love me yet

Don´t love me yet
When you haven´t seen how weak I can be
Don´t love
You aren´t ready

You just don´t know how many ways
I can torture you and myself
I haven´t shown how dark it can be
In my soul

Don´t love me yet
Because it´s so easy to bring you to tears
First let me tell what you can get if you´re brave
And what you will lose

I adore you in death

I adore you in death
So easily you detached and disappered
I was left alone and bare to the stairs of my sorrow
I think I wake up but it´s only white pain
Knocking my sholder and screaming its existence

Only sharps were left to my hands
From what I used to carry next to my heart
I see your face and run for nothing towards your voice
Acerbity stays on my lips

I yell to the great dark but nobody wants to come
Your soul, my hostage
My sorrow can´t give your peace to you
I fall over and drop to your lap, but never reach the bottom

I adore you in your death
You disappeared easier than you ever were with me
Only sharps were left to my hands
From what never were whole

so this it is. only FR can say, does it suffer of translating.

Palvon sinua kuolemassasi

Palvon sinua kuolemassasi
niin kevyesti irtosit ja katosit
Jäin yksin ja paljaaksi suruni portaille
Luulen vielä herääväni mutta se onkin vain valkoinen kipu
koputtamassa olkaani ja huutamassa olemassaoloaan

Vain sirpaleet jäivät käsiini
siitä mitä kannoin sydämeni rinnalla
Näen kasvosi ja turhaan juoksen äänesi suuntaan
Voin eksyä tuhannesti mutten koskaan löytää takaisin
Katkeruus vain jäi huulilleni

Huudan suureen pimeään mutta kukaan ei halua tulla
Sielusi räpistelee panttivankinani
Suruni ei anna sinullekaan rauhaasi
Kaadun ja putoan syliisi, mutten koskaan tavoita pohjaa

Palvon sinua kuolemassasi
katosit helpommin kuin koskaan olit luonani
Vain sirpaleet jäivät käsiini siitä
mikä ei koskaan ollut kokonainen

I wrote this in Finnish here cos I thought it might lose something if I translate it my clumsy way. but I´ll translate it.. FR, enjoy. You´re the only one who can read it in Finnish :P

One dusty box and a cramped heart

Look, what I have under my bed
One dusty box
Guess what´s in it
It´s old and quiet
It doesn´t scream "I´m here!"
But once it was loud and difficult to hide

Look, what I have written on it
"Regret, pain, sorrow, despair"
And that´s what it keeps inside
I took them away from my heart and
Locked up there
They sleep one eye open
How easy it is to wake them up!

Now, let them be
I don´t need to remember
It´s better to keep them in a jail
Than try to keep them in my cramped heart

More pain in my heart

New shoes and letter mittens
That´s what I noticed when we met
You looked away and didn´t want to see me
Did you see my hair is shorter than it used to be
Did you notice my eyes are tired
Did you see that I still have your old luminous badge
Hanging in my coat
Defending me from the dark

I opened my mouth to say hello
But only bit my lips and went on
More pain in my heart

I walk, you run run RUN!

Don´t cry because I cry
Don´t laugh because I do
We are not the same creature, you know
How could water and light be one?

I walk, you run
I fall, you run
That´s how it´s meant to be
Don´t turn around and run back to help me
Go, go now
Run for your life

My heart isn´t yours
My hands don´t share what yours have done
My eyes don´t look at your past
Run, run for your life

My demon

Your soul breaths to my back
It stares over my shoulder
Keeps an eye on what I´m doing
Repeating its mantra:
You´re not good enough, you´re enough for nothing
My demon

For the night it makes a nest onto my chest
Curls up but it doesn´t sleep
Whispers to my ear
Nightmares are all I see while I should be sleeping
My demon

You exorcise it on me
Now I´m not enough, not even for myself
I feel burning breath and
Cold touch on my chest
My demon

I finally started new notebook and this is the first poem in it. enjoy.

Die away, sweet regret

I´ll lock you up to my attic, my sweet regret
You can scrape walls, kick the door
I let you pound my ceiling and make windows tinkle
I don´t hear you, no I don´t
I forget you like dust floating silently

I leave you there to die
Die away, sweet regret
Forgotten attic will be your grave
Dust your gravestone

Depressed eyes

Why do you have to hide your tears
How could they hurt anyone except yourself
It´s useless to conceal them

Tracks on your cheeks blaze, burned by salty water
And everyone can see your depressed eyes
You don´t spend your nights laughing

Why should you hide something
When everyone can see it anyway
Your pain won´t disappear, no matter how much you cry
Why do you grit, when you want them to understand your secter?

What is it that hurts you most

Is it those lies that are killing you
Or is it the truth pulling finally through
Can´t you see who you are
Lies can kill but so can truth
If you hide it too long
Revenge will be bittersweet

You´ve been big lie too long
When it disappears will be there anything?
Can you see what is real, this is ending now

What´s it that hurts you most
Is it the words or
Is it what you do

You deny yourself
And still tell me it´s you

Still I spin in the dark

Where´s the beginning and where is the end
I lost the direction on the way
I can´t say am I walking forward or backwards
Do I circle or do I even move
Do I only dream all this or am I going to die

I lost it on the way
Bit by bit, drop by drop
Little by little gazes corroded my map away
Lighthouse overshadowed
And I couldn´t see behind my blindness

Do I even walk or am I just dying
I´ve fought more than enough to make it
Still I spin in the dark
Lost direction
Where´s the beginning and where´s the end

Who am I

Who am I?
Do you know who you are looking right now

Do you know that I eat apples with fork and knif
That I like eating cold pea soup
That I don´t live in this world

Do you see that you don´t see me
That you see something I let you see
Like a furniture or an exhibit
Do you know you know nothing
That you could hurt me with
Do you know that I never tell anything important

Killing silence

He don´t say a word
As usual
He can´t say the simpliest thing in the world
He doesn´t look in the eye or smile
I get stuck into his silence

I want to scream and hit him
What´s wrong with you, talk to me!
I forget how to speak
I don´t get what he wants from me
But I´ll let him die into his silence
Or it´ll kill me

What did you do

You´re really messed up
Totally lost and alone, aren´t you
What did you do, what did you do
It can´t matter cos you don´t remember, don´t you

Your heart hurts but it can´t matter cos you don´t feel it
What did you do
I can´t tell but they will
What should you do
I can´t say but they will
You don´t remember but they will
But it can´t matter cos you won´t believe them, won´t you


sometimes Swedihs lessons are useful :P

It was me, only me

Feeling so bad right now
Going down, down, down
Deeper than no one should
No tears, my sorrow is too hopeless
No hugs and kisses, I´m too pissed of

It was me, only me
But mirrors are as broken as my eyes
I didn´t see myself while it was done
So it can´t be me to be blamed

Feeling so damn bad
It wasn´t me, really

Take the fucking couch!

You never fight for me
For the house, the car and the dogs
We fought ´til dying
You didn´t want me but
Plates, knives and forks you did
For me you were too tired to fight
You gave up long time ago

TV you wanted
But not a memory of me
Now we sit here and
Compromise who gets and what
Can´t you look at me?

Night is day and day is nothing

My nycthemerons start when night comes
When you come to me
Night is celebration of colors
My senses fulfill
All ends by the morning
When you get up and drop me to the dark

Days are black time
I could cut them from between
At the nights I can´t sleep
I don´t want to lose a single moment
Of the time I´m alive

Pianist

He plays in the light of candles
In a white shirt
I look at him from the ground
What is so close
Is so far away
Fingers float on white keys
Blacks fade to the dark

Does he tell something by his playing
Something he´s not able to say
Message has been hidden to the music
He can´t say it´s there
And I can´t seek for it

Notes detach from the staff
When he looks at them
They fly to me and take the place
Place that his words could fill
I see his hands and get hyptonized
I´d love to put my fingers next to his
But ground is too far away from him

---------------------------------------
this is for all shy boys...

Squatter

It grows in my head
It suffuses and overwhelms my brain
Thoughts run around it
It distress me and pushes me smaller
I feel how it eats with my mouth
How it breaths with my lungs

Pounding my head to the wall
But it doesn´t make it unreal
It grows, it grows
Soon there isn´t anything else left

Too many yesterdays

I don´t want wake up anymore
Wake up and see everything is the same
Which I saw yesterday
Which I´ll see tomorrow
So many yesterdays

I can´t get on my feet
I know I´m dying
On the way to nothingness

My hands are burning and my head is a block anvil
Of the devil
I cry for I didn´t go earlier
How week can you be

I leave nothing and nothing will change
I´m relieved
Anything won´t break when I fall apart
I just vanish
I never wanted to exist

Savior

I´d need savior
I don´t know what I´m gonna do to myself
But something will happen

Is everything ok
That´s the question
You should ask

Anyway I can´t bother you
Even though my life is about to end
You can ask but I can´t say a thing
You go and believe I´m just ok
Maybe I am
If I believe enough
------------------------------------
I don´t know have my followers died or what :D anyway, dying-theme dominates still.

Silent

You never told how tough the life was to you
Never
You held my head up
But it was your head that needed holder

Last night you decided to let go
You got tired with me and this world
No lines, no glue
Why couldn´t you tell me?

You felt the pain
After what you did it hurts me more
There is only grey vortex left
Which conceals all good memories

I´m so angry
If I could meet you now
I´d kill you again
But I need you too much
--------------------------
Yesterday I heard something bad. you can guess what. It didn´t actually happen to me, but this is my feelings about it.

Suidical

You will kill yourself
So you swear
You wring sympathy before your desperate death

You´re gonna jump
Have a nice trip, I say
Enjoy your last moments in the air
I´d want too

You´re gonna cut your veins
Draw the last truth with your blood
Bigger than art
I adore you

You´re gonna get an overdose
Then you will see all clearly
Will you see all answers?

You´re gonna shoot your head off
Lift your finger to the trigger
Feel how you have all what remains power
You controle your world
You are finally sure about everything
I couldn´t

Show us how you´ve been built
How you´ve been built wrong

-----------------------------------------
Pretty rough text I´d say. I don´t adore suicide, not at all! I´m just.. I´m a poet.

In Pieces

You tell me: Love my good features, only
Forget the bad
Love this, leave this
And you can change that anytime

I can´t love you in pieces
Everything or nothing

People are entirety
I can´t take only good
Wickedness comes with it
You and your vices
Or I´ll walk away

You need to dream for me

Everyone can´t be saved
That´s just what happened
Eyes close up and never will be open
When what I see is too rough
Lips make last whisper when air runs out
Loosen my grib

Reality is a dark place
And there´s no happy endings for everyone
You have to let go when all you´ll get is this

Dreams didn´t come true
And I won´t dream while I sleep
You need to dream for me

M y longest poem ever

I´m building a fairytale world
World where I can be happy too
Where tears don´t hurt
where sorrow is beautiful
I´m building a world
a palace for me
World, where wings carry over the sky

I´m building a world
Consummated from wishes
Grown from dreams
Rejoined with hope
Where dead people get their serenity
For people who suffocated into their pain
I give everlasting sleep
For drowned light air to breath
For burned sprinkles on hair

I´m building a fairytale world
Where love end when it needs to
But never to wrong words
where it snows from clear sky

I´m building dreams
Where I can live in and where I can be forgotten
Where I can lose the truth
Dreams which are week enough to last

I´m building a fairytale world
World where sleeplesses look at sunrise
World where is always full moon
I´m building it

I make a fairytale world
Where I´ll leave myself
I´ll leave myself to grow ready for this world
Where walls fall and bury you into darkness

Snowmansmile :)

He kisses me
And asks how does it taste
I don´t know
I haven´t been there

You don´t realize
How far away I can be in your arms

He settles for snowmansmile
And cold phrases
He doesn´t see
That I don´t exist like he thinks

The Last Man Alive

The Last man here waiting
Waiting for sun to rise
I just can´t be sure
Will it come over
After this war

I´m waiting for solution
And I´m afraid of it
Words been said
May destroy me
I´ll see do I survive
I`ll be the first man falling to ground

Drivind away from it

Come
We drive away now
Away from this wickedness
It drinks my life and eats my soul
Somewhere is got to be something better
That is what I want believe

It takes my life, it took my love
It took me away from you

If there´s no place I can breathe
I don´t think there´s a reason for me
To keep fighting
Why should I go on
If it hurts anyway?

The End of All

I´d like to restart this story
From where we started to go wrong
I´d like to erase all written pages
I don´t wanna see them again
I want to burn this thin book

Perhapse it can´t be burned?

If we can´t restart
If we don´t have that chance
Can I put the last point, at least?
We don´t have, I don´t have
The reason to go on
When there´s no words
Nothing to make the end happier
Nothing where I could hide my tears

Your Name

After your name came silence, again
Silence that hurts
You think it kills you
You wish you´d die

After your name came silence
Nothing to say
Only wet looks to the ceiling
Your name, hewep to the rock

After your name only silence
It haunts
No one can admit what it means
They say it´s only letters
That silence
I wish it kills me