Self-destruction

I still hang to the belief
that someone would notice my distress
if I just hide it the right way
That someone would know me well enough
to see the empty place behind my eyes
But that won't happen, not in real life
and I can keep this sickness up as long as I want to
or till I fall to the ground dead
Others won't be able to stop me

The most difficult thing is to realise
that I have to save myself
even when I hate it so much

My childhood belief in supernatural powers
should have vanished by now
and inside I grieve for the efforts others have wasted on me
when they stumble forward as well

I could tell every trick of my mind
and show their roots with analytical precision
but they don't impress me
and as a layman I lack the knowledge
how to make a diagnosis
and I don't even dream about treatment plans
This spinning can only turn against me
when I push myself even further away from safe
and at the same time cover my tracks
so that I could be found

At what point can I give myself the permission
to turn and head back
When have I traveled far enough
and seen too much

At what point will I know that I've hurt myself enough

Every weapon of self-destruction has crossed my mind
and tempted me with its sparkle
but in the end they all lead to the same ending
it's only a matter of courage which one I choose

There's a few thousand ways to hide your nightly trips
and even more lies with what to cover everyone else's eyes
but it takes a lot more to make a confession
in all honesty, without falling to pity

When have I earned to right to openly need others?

Translated by Sith Fisto.