Creeping Hours

With what would I measure time
when I can only guess when the wait is over
how could I make the creeping hours more livable
But there's too many of them
that I could see through them
the greater design
I can't put this to an end
I wasn't made to give up
not even when there's nothing else I can do

How could I explain to myself
the madness of my trials
I don't believe in after life, not in atonement
because how would keep count on all the tears?

Fog covers the earth and the sky
It feels like I'd never awoken
I have all the time, but no patience
to over come it
I just don't want to admit I was wrong
when I swore this would last even when
everyone else give in
I just couldn't do it alone

How wrong it feels to grieve this
when others don't even care
am I after all just a fool like all the rest?

With what would I measure time
when there's no significance in its extent, its brim
because it still ends too late

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Self-destruction

I still hang to the belief
that someone would notice my distress
if I just hide it the right way
That someone would know me well enough
to see the empty place behind my eyes
But that won't happen, not in real life
and I can keep this sickness up as long as I want to
or till I fall to the ground dead
Others won't be able to stop me

The most difficult thing is to realise
that I have to save myself
even when I hate it so much

My childhood belief in supernatural powers
should have vanished by now
and inside I grieve for the efforts others have wasted on me
when they stumble forward as well

I could tell every trick of my mind
and show their roots with analytical precision
but they don't impress me
and as a layman I lack the knowledge
how to make a diagnosis
and I don't even dream about treatment plans
This spinning can only turn against me
when I push myself even further away from safe
and at the same time cover my tracks
so that I could be found

At what point can I give myself the permission
to turn and head back
When have I traveled far enough
and seen too much

At what point will I know that I've hurt myself enough

Every weapon of self-destruction has crossed my mind
and tempted me with its sparkle
but in the end they all lead to the same ending
it's only a matter of courage which one I choose

There's a few thousand ways to hide your nightly trips
and even more lies with what to cover everyone else's eyes
but it takes a lot more to make a confession
in all honesty, without falling to pity

When have I earned to right to openly need others?

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Mindless Heart

It's easy to see hate
where it never before has made its nest
and even easier I point it to myself
There's still room somewhere near the disrecarding, deep down there
Without gaging I believe I've done it again
one suspicious mistake, it wouldn't be the first time
A shot-down imagination doesn't need validations
no evidence of crime, no memories
surely there's a way to turn to blame towards me
and make me an outsider

If others won't do it, then I will have to

Rejection, the unpleasant truth
one careless gesture
nothing more do I need for the destiny-embracing plunge
But I never learn how to stop the fall
with sensible justifications, because my heart is without a mind
as it's ploughing through the marshlands of self-pity
You can show me the light
but someone would have take me to it
for it to be of any use for me

Still I somehow always survive
because I'm too weak to take in
what waits at the bottom of a mindless crash

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Loose

It's rather saddening that you have to desire
life, blood's patrimony, history
something you can't take from somebody
no matter how much you envy
and then you're doomed to be drifting leftover
from rotting national romanticism

It's not the language that will dress you into a new suit
it's not the desire that will accept you into the community
once you were born outside of it

It's rather saddening that what you don't have
is what you long for
Emigration creates wide emptiness
even if was born after the foreign has become an origin
But the residents of the city of hopes
can only dream of originality, purpose

And is it even right
to try to take the disappearing one's property

Died Alive

I died while I was alive
and it sure was unexpected
when I never was anything else
but way too young
I could have given birth to enormous works
of how to save the world to the year 4201
Sure I could have
But then I died

I can't greatly complain
my life was comfortable, rather nice
and I guess everyone else was satisfied with it too
But it doesn't mean
that I didn't protest anyhow
Because I was supposed to get the thousandth new person
and start a new diet again tomorrow
or at least after Christmas
Death doesn't really fit that pattern

I was still fully alive
I don't want to, alright
I'm not yet fascinated by the hereafter
So could I have myself back

Promises

How much I'd want to promise you I won't leave
even though I well understand the nature of life, it won't give in
to the small quirks of man kind
I won't leave you behind, not anymore
but can I be happy if you don't return
if you decide that this has to come to an end
How afraid of your own thoughts you can be

Maiden is said to be at her prettiest after seeing 17 summers
and I can somehow take that
but do the best moments of life have to be gone already
so that I could as well die now
before the end comes, all too soon

I'd love to assure you that I'm not leaving
but you have to go somewhere when surroundings become hostile
still it doesn't mean I'd forget, you can't be turned into a dream by dementia
nevertheless I doubt if it's enough to make us happy

How could I start again, when I need to
if I know this won't happen twice
if I know I'll lose everything I'm capable of desiring

if the life really carry me anymore

But I love you even though it sickens me

Closer to the Pain

Have you ever tried to fall asleep
with your heart beating in your fingertips
I've skinned and hurt myself volunteerily
but I think it's just a birth defect
somewhere deep in my brain
Without a second thought of the future, I could do horrible things
go even further,
touch deeper
But it'll hurt when
the pleasure has disappeared

Somehow I'm so much closer this way
to reality and the hard surface of the world
when nothing stops the pain from transmitting
Even though I sincerely claim I'm not doing this as a punishment
what else is it then
when I can't even touch

But yet again
I say no, no not ever
I'll never give up myself for others' wishes
I'll control this as well till the end

Could You Change

Could you live with yourself if you changed
would you recognize the person looking at you from the mirror
if one piece of your shell fell
and you didn't turn around to pick up that burden anymore?
Well, I don't know
I'm too much under control to try, I might fall
Perhaps you have to make a choice between what defines you more:
what you want to be or
what you've always been

Could you face all the people
who think they've got a piece of your soul
if you suddenly revealed you've been deceiving them as well as you could
not because you're bad but lie is a lie nevertheless
Would you die away so you wouldn't bother them with your recklessness
or would you change location to another town, again and again
so you didn't have to freeze to the same position
Courage is a strange notion, my friend
you can waste huge amounts of it on little things
like lifting your gaze off the floor

And what if you fall apart
and it doesn't stop, no matter how you try
and no one thanks you for your honesty?
I don't know, I seriously don't
I don't dare to find out

Intactly Perfect

I don't stay like this by myself, without even trying
it does look easy but
if you only knew all the hidden hours
all the efforts billowing over the edges
no one else sets price to

The illusion is a beautiful picture
prettier than the plain me never was

What you see in me as a flaw
everything you blame or try to somehow heal
is just the remainings of
what I swept into safete under my soul
no one would see it and understand
that I'm not intactly perfect

And you don't want to see either
the outcome of Lord's work
like it was formed in me, the child of the Devil

Domination

Is it any of your business
what I use my body for
what pain-cursed marks I use to tack it under my will
and as if you really could
lift yourselves past me
What does it have to do with you
if I'm a bit hurt after all
I made that decision too on my own
I chose my way to handle the world
even if it doesn't become any better this way

Don't you keep up the same psychology crap
as if I didn't analyze myself
what childhood trauma must have caused all this
That iceberg ran aground already
My life is in my domination, under my control
that's right, all the reins are fraying my hands by their wrenching
sleep, exhaustion, depression, even hunger
Do you really possess a position where you can pretend
that you don't want the same
with this exact price, immense one

Stupidity

I consider myself to be clever but
how stupid it is to play and not to collect your toys
so that in the darkness of the night they cut the sleep-swayed soles
That's what this was supposed to be, controllable
even if it didn't always seem that way
Destroying yourself leaves marks every time, you can't get around it
but at least they could be made into places
you can hide without lying

You'd think that the blood dried on the surface of the skin
and the newly ripped wounds are a message
some kind of outcry from the watery lips of a drowning person
But the ones drowning can't scream, it's impossible
the same way this is just stupidity, it doesn't mean anything
The shame, the anger
that exploding feeling between the eyes, behind the nose
when someone notices Oh God that looks nasty

I'm not doing this to please your eyes, am I
next time I'll make sure you'll see nothing at all

Leave me alone

I'll Fall Apart

I'll fall apart in a blink of an eye
Dingo keeps playing in my mind but that's not even the worst
you'll disappear into the half-gloomy bedroom for sure
if you can crave for a handwarm touch from afar
There're still autumn colors and sun outside
but window can open only to one direction, it's normal
that you don't always know how to survive

The paper runs out slowly and unexpectedly
and you disappear ever further into where I can't go, into sleep
yes, I'm falling apart, I'm not kidding
you can no longer bypass lies with innocence I was just joking
I'd want to wake you up so you'd see
that my eyes are open and frozen
but then I realize I can't because
if you even move, I wince every single time

It just keeps getting darker and I don't have the strength to believe in rebirth
but it's not your fault you can't be present in my nightmare while you sleep

Pieces of Paper

Pieces of paper, the air is thick of those
like when snowfall enslaves the ground once again
at the same time placing its birth mistakes into oblivion
Pieces of paper, eaten from the edges
and corroded unread by gazes
who could find about this puzzle of Mad Hatter
so that also I could see what to do next
what to say, what to confess
and what should I lie about until it's like brand new

Rags of paper, filled with poems
but the rhymes are all broken, I guess this is what you call postmodern
and I can't figure out the meter
as much as I would like you to understand too,
I can't reveal the emotions
that I wasted, used on those words
You leave me to wander as well
into this rain, to catch what I can
and to stop the entropy

Shreds of paper, torn away
so they'd be destroyed without further damage
Words possess a terrible might, but there's no other way
to show what's inside

Pieces of paper, so small and broken
but their weight is greater than sins
Show me yours
and I'll uncover what I possibly can
Will this turn out to be a bestseller after all
instead of radioactive explosion of cliches

Cry for Help

"Help me"
I've never learned how to give in
to my weakness, even though it's not something you should be ashamed of
since I don't reproach others
but gladly offer my support
I guess it's easier to be strong and around
than to surrender yourself to that current
I guess it's more pleasing to be a god
than a wandering believer

"I need help"
those words don't come out easily
and after a long silence it's hard to say anything
when I know that tears will follow those words
You'd think that you get stronger with age
and wouldn't be as sad anymore
over things, that you just can't help with
I must be so sensible when I advise others
but can't show the light to myself

"I can't go on anymore"
but somehow you always gather your strength
for a new effort, sometimes even in vain
Anything, as long as I don't have to admit
that I am like others after all
that I'm not anything more special
not as strong as others have shown me to be
within the limits of my character
since no one knows
how I tremble when no one is looking

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Too Late

Without the burden of your presence
I can now finally admit my weakness
whisper against the sorrow
that I truly do love you
But as always
I wake up too late

Do we ever realize how little time there is
for important things
those that carry you even after death

Your answer doesn't reach my ears, it never will
and that's why it's easy to let out all those restrained words
let the meanings flow between the lines
It's a long way to the afterlife
a safely long way
too long way

Do we ever act on time
to save ourselves from the damnation of loneliness
when death lasts longer than life

I couldn't encounter you face to face
now you can only haunt me from the grave
but do rest in peace already
my words are empty anyway
For what does it mean to be brave now
when there's nothing to fear

Do we know how the essential differs
from all the trifles of the world
when only the recognized can last

At last I can release from my lips
that sentence, that poets write about
and admit
that I loved you
even when you didn't believe in me anymore

Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Anxiety of Denial

My conception of how
the world around me turns with least effort
is yielding into chaos
I get tired soon even though
I should be able to strive
with even greater strength
to stop the circles fallen on water
from reaching the edges
bent into tidal waves

I'll rather die
than let myself carry on like this
And still it's ungodly hard to just sit
act as if I don't even want to
the anxiety of denial on dry lips

I don't recognize the mirros, I fall
even though I don't know where to rise
when it's time for it
if there is time
if there ever is
but one thing I know
I don't want to destroy anymore
when everything was already excellent

Why gaining one thing means losing something else?

The City

There's a city by my heart
the channels leading there are often overpopulated
after all, the electric lights are a promise of something something else
unconfirmed allusion to better
Who wouldn't want to come,
gambling is all natural to human kind
But one thing most cannot see, know:
the roads running away are also crowded

The city also in my heart
is a black drain, crack in the reality
Once you fall you won't get up effortlessly
there's no guarantee you'll survive
because in the nightless night the dangers become slyer
Through the history of man the cities have been like that,
places where dreamers come to die

And the city will always stay to watch
even when open sewers take over
even when everything decent and healthy has been destroyed
The city's protruding carcass will always remain
the wars won't destroy it into dust

There's a city next to my heart
seducing, shiny, charged
but there's a lot that's dark, cruel, hard
while the cherry blossoms grow somewhere else

Watch

Keep an eye on me
the denied subjects will still remain unspoken
I'm promised myself that if you ask
directly, then I'll tell you
Something, if only I dare

And everytime you turn my words into jingle
you see, it hurts me
That's another reason why I fall silent because
how can I need you
if you just keep avoiding me
without giving me the permission to attach
You really make me feel worthless

Cherry Blooms

Acid breathe turns into powder the filmy petals
when they soar down and touch
Hands, eaten into veiny are slowly covered
when I just sit, wait
And soon it's like I've found the eternal youth
as a gift from the new spring

Death has never really suited me
not adorned, not crowned
I prefer to stay amongst the gemmas
rather than old, black snow

And the movement of petals is dance in the air
they remind distantly
that this is not the end yet, not over yet
even if my youth broke with the frost

Responsibility

I'm sorry
that all of this fell on your shoulders
crashed into your lap to be hold on to
when I myself were swaying at the edge of something obscure
unable to decide
which way the true suffering was
I'd like to dry your tears
before you have to carry responsibility over me any longer
When did your parts change like this
when did I give in to my desires
to be weak and demand you to endure
the reality that I can't even comprehend

Surely you know as well
what loneliness feels like
and understand how greatly comfort is sometimes needed
But I got hooked on to it and now
I wouldn't want to hold anything inside
since I noticed how easy it is to use you
for preserving of all that unnecessary ugly
Out of the eyes, out of the soul
out of depressing me

Forgive me
that I drag you down below the surface faster
than I myself can swim upwards
One could imagine that I'm doing this on purpose
even though in truth I'd like to be you
take back your role
and save you instead of myself
I once learned how well the problems of others cover mine
even though they won't cure them
but I cannot do that to you

Don't bother carrying me on your heart
even I got tired of the weight
Indeed you surely love me, I have no doubt of that
not anymore, I have no need for it
But don't break yourself for me
it surely isn't worth it
And push me away when you must
so that we don't both disappear into hopelessness
I can manage a moment on my own
even if I don't want to

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Immortal song

An immortal song
to last through the overpowering time
to keep her name alive
even when she abandones it
just to forget, forget about everything
that once kept her down,
kept her from shining like she's supposed to
But I don't want her to forget,
I don't want her to erase what she once was
because she's beautiful right now

An ode to prove her
how much one can love her kind
to polish her image in her own mind
when she doubts and refuses to see
how much I adore her every word
how much I envy her, the pure of heart
She'll never believe me,
she'll never really listen
But maybe eternity is long enough for her
to finally understand

A song to last forever
to fall of singer's lips and catch
the heart of every listener
But it's not the magic of words
or the tricks of the melody, no
It's the charm of her true nature,
as she showed it to me
She'll want to forget, she'll want to rewind
but merciless as it seems, I won't let her
Because in my eyes she'll never be more perfect
She defines the beauty of the world
In my heart I love her
and one day I'll make her understand
that she'll have to accept it

An immortal song to keep her alive
even when she doesn't actually want to
A song to show her
that she doesn't have to push herself down