Replay

I need a replay of what we had
even if it was tearing me apart
At least I could feel it, could sense the pain
at least it touched me
Now I don't know my own limits anymore
seems as if you drew them for me
like a map of the the fairytale land

I need a replay if not the real thing
I want to imagine you here,
drawing imaginary patterns on my skin
with your spider-like fingers

You don't know how it is like
to just sit and see
how everything passes by
And realize our promises are disappearing
just like my hold of you
I know it should kill me
but why do I feel nothing but the growing vortex
of emptiness?

I want a replay
even if it takes everything I have
because like this I'm not worthy
My boundaries are fading into thin air
at least with you I could feel the pain
when it was there
Now it's all nothing

SHINee published their Japanese version of their debut song Replay few days ago and I've been listening and watching it ever since. It's just so... perfect. I did like the original Korean version though the MV wasn't that brilliant and I was sure I wouldn't like the Japanese version. But actually I do! and damn are those guys just so hot... Don't let me get started with fangirling, I can't stop it once I begin!

Goodbye

Going through the smoke
I'll find you in the end
faint screams of help
guiding me there
The flames licking my feet
chunks of ceiling falling on me
The house is on fire
I don't need the police cars
or the ambulance, I'm alright
I just have to bid goodbye
You can't leave
without giving me the last chance

Running through the wall of heat
I'll reach that dim room
It was just a while ago
when we greeted each other
like strangers do
Now you're abandoning me
Wait, I have to say goodbye
so that I don't have to grief later

Through the small crack in the wall
I see you, see you smiling
and inviting me to come further
I'll come even if I can't save us
from the burning pain

Finally Blogger is actually working again, thanx for saving my life Bex! So, I had to write this two times because dA deleted it at first. Luckily I managed to put it back together. Inspired by FT Island's song 'Hello Hello' and it's amazing MV.

Suspicion

Why won't he tell if he really cares
so that I wouldn't always have to wonder
what I dare to say
or how close I dare to ask to get
When I anyway doubt, it's a part of my nature
since I don't believe that anyone likes me
Pitiful teen, though it is sad
yet I still desire verbal acceptance

The smallest word, the smallest crossing deed
makes my suspicions wild
Look at this now, we were right
they don't want you, why don't you stay away
give in, die away
And unfortunately I believe every word,
very ridiculous lie
I can come up with

But you can't see it from the surface
you don't notice you I fear
nothing this stupid could ever be expressed aloud

And he is that type of man who doesn't say anything aloud
and he won't be telling me about feelings
not even if I threatened to leave him

As if I dared

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Fog

Oh how the world shrinks again
when fog is leaning against the window
like it was trying to come in
The walls are barely able to stand
and I don't have the energy for anyone from the outside,
or for any touches
Don't come, stay away world
I can't face you right now
Why do you come to me now
Why do you concentrate into a ring around my abode
now that I can't handle it

The world shrinks minute by minute
when the fog creeps closer
presses its cheek against the cold glass,
the only thing keeping it away
Why can't I see the sky, the clouds
my hospitality has ended
The whole house is swaying on its stone base
I wait holding my breath
when will the outside come crashing in

I hear how the fog is breathing quietly
at the edges of my thin cladding
mere willpower is keeping me from falling into the same rhythm

Oh stay away now world
when I can't help even myself
Grow once more and dry the fog as you go

Blogger is messing with my computer and I can't post anything, not even sign in. I'm on my friend's laptop right now... Sigh. I don't know, I'll have to try and fix it during the weekend because I'd really like to be able to use my own computer for working on my poems.

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Fiction

My sanity doesn't have boundaries
within fiction and imagination
everything is possible
and so I live, from day to day
pushing the skillful luring of the reality aside
so that I can almost forget it
The fluent movement of my pen
keeps me focused, attached
and I see nothing but what I want
and I believe only what suits me

Within fiction and imagination I fly
And I don't miss anything or anyone or something more
I'm strong like this
I can almost forget that there's something else
I could want

My inspiration is lacking. Better not to push it further. I'm just addicted to BEAST's "Fiction" and yeah, trying to dig some ideas from it.

Light Conversation

And don't even ask how I've been
or what's now around here
when I just can't answer honestly
"Nothing special"
and "Same old, same old"
You should know I'm lying
but it's better that you don't,
I couldn't tell you anyway
And I don't want that paper thin empathy
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"

Still the question stings
in my consciousness, in heavy heart
when I'd really want that question
be something other than light conversation

It stings very hard

Translated by Sith Fisto.

In Need

Not a word, not a single sentence
not a clue that would reveal me,
a detective in a work he didn't ask for
Even though I know fear, the feeling when you can't breathe
when there's nothing to lean against
because everything falls apart, decays, ends
Even though I know it all and cry
out of shame, powerlessness, compassion
What do I do when I'm helpless
I shouldn't know

In truth what I do is wrong
I've taken the wrong turn, I should return
Knowledge is the master of pain and I proved again
how in reality I'm a masochist
But I do my duty and finish
that what I started driven by fear

I can't say a thing, can't point even with the slightest touch
that I know and understand
and that I won't leave you alone, never
That I share that feeling through you
and will help, help even if it's all I could do
We are damned to silence
because you don't want me close to you
I may not know the right direction
but I'm coming with you

I'd like to abandon my source already
and let things roll with their own weight
seeing how I won't be able to change anything
Haven't I learned that already
But who cares, when you don't understand but want to know
you can't keep the pain away
and once again you're to blame

Yet again I'm back into "I'll save you!" type of poems. Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Lost Smile

I think I left my smile
somewhere between the lines
In some point the pain just became real
and it sank in me
Now I can't lift the corners of my mouth anymore,
it doesn't feel right
and my own worries seem to have shrunken
next to that massive joie de vivre
that changes to hollow of equal greatness
before I have time to react

Now I don't have the strength to smile
or dry tears away
no one will see them
I'm being punished for my blindess now
but that is only fair,
I won't complain

I don't want to be happy
when you're suffering next to me

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Abandoned Tale

I don't think I can write a happy ending for this tale
no matter how much I try to change its course
but the plot seems to be somehow fixed,
without options
But right now it doesn't even feel worthy of telling
next to other legends
So is there any point in continuing it
and with whom would I share it, who would read it

At least not me

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Guilt

Guilt, too heavy to survive it without faltering
without changing to something else
than that carefree creature without shame
that used to be a long way from here
Now that guilt has caught me
and tonight it won't let go
before I have felt all it has to offer
and understood every shade there is

My whole body feels heavy
as my tortured conscience wails
And I can't open my eyes
to face the vision in the mirror
I can break a mirror but not that look
You can't consciously get rid of memories

Guilt takes it toll without terms
it stretches the time to the extreme
and for a moment I can almost reach
myself in the beginning of this journey
almost warn in advance about what's waiting in front
But guilt is a fickle mood
and once again it devours me
this won't end before I surrender myself completely

I could stay here and just stop
sadness oozing from my fingertips
Consciousness is worse than agony
and I wouldn't want force myself
to face it now
I can reveal the lies
but I can't deny the truth

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Wreckage

I feel uncomfortable in my body
when the torments of the soul surface
drifting like sunken logs
and slicing through the thin side of boat
I swim deep, deep in the heavy water
all pointless thoughts as millstones around my neck
And all that flows down my lungs is water,
more pain from the outside world
I'm more and more hard-pressed
taking a defensive in my own body

It's hard to be
when there's no solution for your discomfort
and the water gets colder as if before winter
but even when it freezes, the current won't die
Soon I will be wreckage among others with all my pain
as if piece by piece my mind stops fighting

I'm being driven out
by rising the pressure
and I can't find peace within my own limbs

Translated by Sith Fisto.

If Only It Didn't Hurt

If I only could honestly say
that I don't care
and make it the rule I follow
Because the only truth I've learnt to know
is that the pain will not go away
even if I try to solve it
Getting attached is a curse,
evil spell casted on me

If only I could turn my back
and act as if nothing was wrong
even when the worl I know is getting destroyed
Love is the source of betrayal
and I can't dry all the tears
I want to leave like the wind abandones the leaves
and not think twice

If only I could find peace
to my suffering heart
and see that even if I love,
I don't have to be hurt all the time

Reckless Love

No matter how many hours you sleep
you still can't get any rest
and your reckless love will leave you no privacy
It pierces through your thoughts, your brain
only to nail you down and keep you still
just so you can listen to your own heart beat
so lonely sound when no one's with you
and it makes you sad, hurts you until you sob
and the long hours of the night
won't wipe the feelings away

You can close your eyes and see what's inside
your shallow soul, there's only darkness
And you can make your blanket your shield
but it won't cover you up from the reality
Your restless love will not abandon you
as long as there's something to say,
something to hurt you with
Second by second your heart moves on
pulsing just like it's meant to do
but the inner you can't forget
The long hours of darkness
will not bring you forgiveness

Oh yes, you're tired
no wonder you think making your heart silent
would finally hunt the pain down, drive it away
and suffocate your stubborn love without mercy
I can only say that it will get better
if you're patient enough to wait a little longer
but it seems as if the long hours of your lonely nights
have already ruined your illusions of hope

The Poet

Even a poet can be a waste of space on the inside
emotions can be imagined, invented, created
beautiful syllables only require skill,
not experience
even though a skill like that can't be taught
But when you find the fountain of the muses
and you figure out how to place your rhymes,
that's all you need, as long as you're believable
You don't need to be a murderer to describe bloodthirst
the most realistic depictions are the ones written by poets
Same goes for pain, love
I don't know anything about those either

Some feel a lot, others feel almost nothing
you feel like you're being hit by a sandbag
it leaves marks under the surface, cuts a swathe
but I myself am not really aware of it
Completely different from the bleeding stabs of a knife

I'm a poet to make others believe,
that the emotional storms are raging within me as well
and I have succeeded in this, as in everything else
Yet I'm a liar, the kind of person everyone despises
Affection, longing
everything can be imagined
like the delusions of a psychopath they rise from somewhere within you
with no basis to reality, to your experiences

When you find the fountain of muses
you only need to listen and let the pen fly
and thus the illusions end up to eternity
while some lunatics take it as the brilliant truth

Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Teacher

There's so much
I would want to show you with pride
and hear a few words of joy and love
Hear your opinion and rise in self-respect
show all I have accomplished
and that all the time you have sacrificed hasn't been in vain
even with me
I can't say for sure that I learned something
but my thoughts have evolved pure,
all because of you

Much have I done and more have happened to me
after you stopped guiding me
I would like to hear that you're pleased
because for now my great deeds feel empty
The student can't overcome his teacher
before he steps down
leaves the student on his own
Have I now reached that point

I would be happy if you infused me with faith
I know without fine words that I am good, competent
but if you were to say it alound
I could believe it myself

Translated by Sith Fisto. Amazing job, as always.

Taboo

I think now we've reached the ultimate
the line we cannot cross
not in this century, not before the next generation
because we all make goals from breaking the taboos
But now, now we can rest for a while
and just admire
what our sickness has made, has brought to alive
I don't even understand
how you, our masterpiece, still function
Don't your bones scratch together painfully

There's just that burn in your eyes
that nails me down even when I pity you
and keeps me from stopping this insanity
We never dreamed of this result,
a great victory equal to this
We have proven what a human body can take
and still survive, still breathe
and yet that tortured body tempts us all
Isn't that really an achievement?

Turn around, dance for us a little
and show us how succesful we are
You're really something history will remember us from
and no one will ever take the glory from our names,
from your name and face
Yes, I think we're close to perfection
but I doubt if you have anything left
under your skin but bones, white and sharp
I don't want to regret, I'm glad I was part of this
and made this a reality

I don't want to look away or think too much
because I might feel sorry for you

-------

Well. I was just watching some video of Lee Taemin and fuck is that kid skinny. So yeah. Not that he's anorectic but it is a fact that the modern world admires starving idols and (role) models.