No return

Past the point of no return
I´ve taken my masochist lies this far and
now it´s time for my masochist suicide
Because that´s what I´ve lived for
what I´ve believed in
after leaving the fear of death behind

Past the point of satisfaction
when only the ultimate can make me feel
I´m now racing for the final orgasm
the only thing I want to reach
No other end my addiction can have
because suicide is my life

Past the point of common sense
and entered the world of madness
with no desire to come back
The last reasons have now lost their meaning
though they never had much value
And finally there´s my award
so close yet not here
This is where my path ends,
where it took me
My masochist suicide

Again a bit dark piece. I just had the idea and I had to use it, as always. I can´t waste my ideas even if they´re bad or even if the outcome is bad. So here it is again.

Heavy with words

My chest feels heavy
As if someone had stopped there
Searching for warmth
A crushing feeling that I can't shake off
Creeps over me as we meet once again
I scream for the words
But they stay put
safe in my head going in circles
Shapeless pieces bouncing around

I tremble as I try to push them out
I create them tormented
And they grow within
But never become strong enough
I'd shriek out loud and shatter the windows
If the words just had sounds and syllables

I wait for the right moment
To shake off those satellites
make preparations and plead you to look in my eyes
But the words still won't leave
As if they were anchored to me

I don't ask for miracles
Simply want to make my feelings clear
During the day I chase for words
And at night I dream of them and of your replies
And as the morning comes I have forgotten it all
I practice speeches, write letters
And my nerves writhe as if death itself was holding them
The truth remains a dream
As the last minute evasions turn all to dust
Trying to foresee the answer, trying to force you
Into forcing me
Ask, oh please ask!

Ask, oh please ask
It's all I'm yearning
That merciful sentence that ends in a question
Demand me to reveal
Is what I beg of you between the lines
With hidden clues trying to lead you to the treasure
Grasp the little I give
Hold on when I try to shrug it off
Is what I'd beg of you
If only the words would obey

I dread I will sound old
Or that you start to laugh
It seems it will take a lifetime
For the right moment to come
So I'll practice speeches and write letters
In case you happened to read them

Translated by Sith Fisto, my beta.

Do you love me now

Do you love me now
when I´m lying broken on the floor
Do you feel the love for me now
when my body is shattered, ruined
Do you see it,
my masochist lies
and torn limbs
The blood stream on the floor
Do you love me more now

Am I more attractive
my heart broken like this
Am I more beautiful
my eyes blind but still open
Was I too perfect and innocent
to a devil like you

I had to cross the line
to get to you
but I got lost and
went a bit too far

Do you love me now
when the blood is on the wrong side
Do you love me now
when my heart is visible all the way
Is this the way you wanted it
Is this what you meant?

Does this turn you on
does it feel like you wanted it to
Is this murder the last satisfaction or
will there be more?

Did I do a good job
when I did my best
Was this enough for you
enough brutal and
enough dirty for you?

Do you love me like this,
dead and cold on your floor
Do you want me like this
or will you get tired soon
No other than love
made me cross that line
No other than your love
made it all occur

Do you love me now
when I´m the image you wanted to see
Do you love me now
when I can´t enjoy it anymore?

Something I wrote quickly last night. I don´t know where it came from or what it is about but I had to write it. And I´m glad I did.

Messiah

When others turn their backs
I expect you to set an example
to be the forerunner
I know it's not easy to break taboos
and that nothing is as hard
as focusing on the right thing
But don't let it overwhelm you, get a grip
If you can't do it then no one can
It may be difficult but not impossible
but it's not enough to just repeat it
you need to understand as well
Live like it's real in your life
where there isn't too many second chances

When others turn their heads
and refuse to hear
I need you to open the path for those of little faith
Be a breakwater, an ice-breaker
create roads where there are none
and don't let your eyes wonder
Force yourself if that's what it takes
only with self-discipline can you build better
Believe in it
and other will as well
prove it's possible

When others run away
fearing the quick, tough death
I need you to take on what others evade
even if you tremble under the heavy load
don't let it fall but take it to the end
because only there will it be of any use
Believe in the truth, hold on to it
you can see it, so head towards it
Soon others will spot it as well
and the bravest shall follow
the weak you may have to carry in time
but it's something that has to be done
if you wish them to follow
The days will be hard
but try to prevail

When others give up before they have started
encourage yourself
they won't do it, never will
because all their strength goes to living
So be strong for them
be a leader, be a messiah
save what's worth saving
and leave the rest behind
but perish you can't, it's not your right

Translated by Sith Fisto, my beta

Orphan

I´m smart enough to know
what I´ve already got
And no reason to get greedy
it´s better than nothing
Everyday things are the hardest to remember
Hardest to appreciate
before the chance to thank is gone

Self-pity makes me see myself as an orphan
with starving eyes and heart
reckless soul
But sometimes
-not too often-
my eyes are opened
to see it´s me making the drama,
my artistic imagination bullshitting me

I wouldn´t be here if the reality was written by me

You´re my miracle,
my life changing and saving miracle
You´re the ones taking the gun off my hands
even if this road can have no other end
Yes, you´re my miracle
reason to make it through

You´re way better than nothing

I would call it love if I could
If I knew how to define such feeling
I would call it love if I knew how to pronounce such sentence
If I was brave and less ridiculous
Less naive
I would call it love
if you did first

The future stays out of reach
Who knows when the chance to thank is gone
It´s impossible to appreciate enough
hence I´m trying to grab the words now
You should be available
no matter if the situation is right for my secrets to come out

You´re my miracle
and I´m learning to trust
Yet you´ll give me few lessons more, no doubt

I might be strong myself
but the real strenght comes from the ability
to ask help when needed
The real strenght is in you.

I wrote this on the way home from Tornio. It´s for those who I trust the most. The only ones I trust. The Fantastic Four. Bex, Veera and those Two Damn Koreans.

Bridges

Useless bridges are ready to be burned
After all it's still warmth and the feeling of it as well
bitterly acrid but warmth all the same
and I´ve never despised it
I´ll let it all go now til the end
when there´s no reason to stop

Good memories are lite to take with me
They shall carry themselves

Was it me the one who blasted the atomic bomb
or was it some pyromaniac
It doesn´t matter, it can all go
Smoke is easy to breath in
strong and potent, almost liquid
just what I need not to shiver

Good memories don´t take much space in any bag
when I pack only the best

Storms have tendency to abate
and roads don´t expire immediately
but fire is final
So let it be, I was about to give in anyway
change just speeded up its pace spontaneously
Amen, hallelujah
My blessing is yours, chaos and catastrophe

Good memories are free to follow me on my flight

The last look
and the smoke can´t make my eyes smarting
I won´t put the fire out with my tears
because they´ve run out now
That´s all I have to give to the worthless from my own

Interrogation

Stop questoning
because the answer is always "I don´t know"
it won´t lead anywhere
Not every question has an answer
sometimes even the reverse
And not all explanations should be said out loud
Isn´t it so, knowledge doubles the pain

Not every action has someone to take the resbonsibility

I´m not dodging the duty, it just isn´t mine
And since you´re already so sure of everything
nothing matters anymore
In the end we both share the consciousness
of what is real, what brutal fiction
and this shouldn´t go like this

No regret

I feel no guilt, no regret
What would it change if I did
It´s not apology you´re waiting for
and I´m still not a liar

What would it change if we had hope
if it wasn´t already too late
to save our shattered pieces
I don´t want to find out
I´ll close my eyes now
Whatever you want me to sign, I´ll do
if that´s the way to be left alone

It´s a bit hard to remember
that you´re not monsters

Tell me your last truths
so I´m free to go
Feel no sorrow, no regret
I´m not fixing this for you

All credit

My life´s running out so fast
that there´s nothing to catch
when you´re willing to take it
It´s too short, it can´t be caught
It´s too big, it won´t fit in the cage

I´m out of heartbeats already
It´s all credit now
but I can´t pay it back
My heart is flying like a bullet
and it´s just as hard
Don´t reach out to get a hold
it´s all going now, going down
I see it, I know it
but I ain´t stopping

I´m not praying, never make plans
Life´s too short anyway
Let me fly while I still can
I´m unreachable
I can´t be caught

There´s nothing good in this one though. Only lines "I´m out of heartbeats already/ it´s all credit now/ but I can´t pay it back" are maybe useful later on.

When the time is right

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s the last chance to make a difference
before being defeated

I thought I deserved something better
at least better than this
I hoped you had more in your hearts
When was it too late for me
to become beloved?
I still had faith, in the very end

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s the final try to reach out
from our shells

First it was just paranoia
then my fears became too real
They took place, they existed
And even though you tried to assure my mind
it was always too late
because you knew the truth all the way

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
this is all we get
for our efforts

It was easy to let that happen, wasn´t it so
I know, we´re all humans
but just very childish, all fools
You let that happen to me
and I wasn´t fighting back
like I should have

When the time is right,
it all comes to a bittersweet end
When the time runs out,
you have to make the best out of it
and move on

I had hope, I had faith
maybe I was naive, maybe the idiots were you
At least I hope that in the beginning
of this all
you were as sincere
as I always have

When the time is right,
it all comes to an end
When the time runs out,
it´s your chance to change
for your own sake

Wow. I think I just wrote lyrics. and it´s actually about me. and my so-called friends.

And fuck me

Fuck them
fuck them all!
And fuck me
for reacting like this
guess I´m the only one surprised
The naive one who couldn´t see this coming
behind the corner
in front of my eyes

And what exactly was my crime?

Parasites turned their backs
when they couldn´t use me to death anymore

What´s your excuse?
Don´t be ridiculous

Fuck me
for being the kind fool I am
They can all go to hell
so they´ll know where I´ve been
last years of my life

They´re really not worth my words
not worth being remembered as they were

I´m so freaking ready to let them go

Not exactly good poetry but I had to get some thoughts out of my head, they were so angry that I couldn´t hold it.

In confusion

I can´t give myself
the honor of knowing you
With thousands of questions
I try to get to you
learn you from head to toe
Like it was possible, you might say
Words are only words,
not the real truth
And your answers have limited power

And you´re not making it easy,
not even when you really try
because you constantly change
Every day, it´s a new face
there inside of you
Still I never quite understood you
but only the words you gave
to quide me, like small hints
Yet I tried my best, I really did
but what can I say,
I failed
epicly

Don´t get me wrong, please don´t
Keep changing, stay different from me
that´s what makes you all so interesting,
worth talking to
worth asking all my questions
Give me your hands, just to quide me more
and I´ll follow,
to find out some more

I´ll save the world

I´m so tired, again
of all this feeling
inability drowning everything
I can only spread my arms
when you come asking for help
I can only shake my head
when it´s impossible to take it all
I lie nights awake
making plans to win this war
How I save this world and
how I save you

You´re mine, you´re my treasure
You´re the key to secrets I didn´t know existent
You´re a mystery I would like to figure out
but seems like I can´t do it on my own

I´ve searched for help
for you and me
and opened my arms and mind to you
so you could be safe inside of them
Run away from the evil world
where the karma does the opposite we think it does
Good things don´t happen to good people
but they take all the responsibility of bad people´s acts
Feeble I watch you dying
and I can´t stop it
Little by little you disappear
until I don´t remember anymore how you were like
in the far away past
When you were still whole or at least fixable
Every moment a small step further
you are, and I can do nothing about it

Halos break
and angels can´t survive in this world
That´s why it´s good that you´re only human
but you were made too good

I´m sure I can save you
and the world
People have done it before
they´ve done miracles in the past as well
Defeat is not an option
as long as defeat is death
My hands are tied
but it mustn´t be an obsticle
I won´t let it be
but I´m stubborn
in good and in bad

I´m tired
of all of this
but no one´s asking what I can take or what I can not
I´ll just spread my arms and catch you
I´ll shake my head and
see your need with the corner of my eye

This is actually pretty old. Or not old, but not new either. It just took some time before I bothered to translate it, that´s all. It turned out pretty nicely.

Dying lamp

Darkness is absence of light
It´s made of nonexistent
Does all there is to see disappear with the light?

When someone dies
it´s like switching off a lamp
except not with everyone

Some people are like lanterns
lights, beacons, candles
Alone they shine in the dark
where you just have to find light
They generate it by themselves
they´re strong
Some are dim, some bright as the sun
blinding to look at

While others have an ability
be like black holes
sucking all the shiny into themselves

And others have no light, no lack of it
They´re like spots in the darkness
shadows among the others
it´s like they don´t be

I want to be that dying light
I want to leave absence of light behind me
I want it to be noticed
when I die down, when someone turns off the power:
I won´t remain as a splotch in the inky water