Apology

Before an apology is good to reconsider your motives
are you pleading for retreat from your own selfpity or
do you want to help the other forward
It's selfish to hurt someone and it won't get any better
by calming yourself to sleep
when the article has changed owners

an article because otherwise you wouldn't have to ask or give

I'm sorry more than often
I admit my mistakes when I happen to make them
but sometimes it's better to close your eyes and revenge yourself.
usually it works
and then you don't have to force the other in to a lie

Approval, that's what I miss
but once you fail you can't get it anymore
you just have to carry on

And I don't want to force anyone next to me just because
it's right to have mercy, to love even if you only want to harm
love the weaker one and understand
even when you just want to slam the other to the wall throw them away

Attempt

I try to keep my promise
not to destroy you even if I cannot help incising myself
with blades that reach the bottom for real
but it's horrible
I lost my hold from hope the moment I stopped demanding
your gaze your attention your love anything
all of them offer a vision of relief
which will last to the next morning

I spread my wounds and rub my eyes until they're red
before I remember that I no longer have a permission
use such tricks because it hurts you as well
even though when asked I'll claim time is doing its best

and apologize

I try but it doesn't seem to be enough
when my efforts disappear into coldness and won't return
It doesn't seem to be enough when I want you back,
you to take the responsibility from me nevertheless

Law and Moral

Is falling outside of the rules equal to failure
if I wrote those clauses to decorate my wall,
as a diploma from a good try
and signed them by name Perfectionist Over-Achiever
when mine seemed slandering
Is it wrong to break them when I've briefly promised to believe in them
if I know I can't stay within them anymore
without falling apart

Is it immoral increase someone else's suffering, the only one's who notices
hat the twinkle in my eyes is only created by the mirroring light
if I know that the other can't take it anymore when even my own psyche is collapsing
even though that's what I should do to be saved

What should I do with myself?
Promises given only to myself are the most meaningless
but what if I made those promises only to protect you?

Turnaround

Feeling is always true but I'll turn my path
I'll make myself prettier than a lie
so that soon you won't be hurting anymore
not at all

This will soon be in past term
you're free to forget

that I was stupid

when I told too much just because it felt good back then

I'm sorry that I realized so late
what significance can everything possess
that I trusted in your hands so carelessly

I was stupid

But now it'll end, I'll write the laws and rules again
and make them to be followed
so that you'll be left with space to simply breathe
even leave
if that's what it takes

I'll ask for nothing else
but a promise the despite this all
that just a bit, at least someday in the future, when you recover
you'll love me.

Depression

I always thought
that if you need help every single day has to be like this,
blackening due to their weakness
sailing in the waves of meaningless
and ending into to tears shed in darkness
That depression requires forgetting everything good
and drowning hope into fragility

And not all my moments are like that, not all of them
not even now when though I tried, I really did
so we'd get somewhere
But no is no

I still can hope
I have strength to trust that one day I'll open my eyes,
sometime before Christmas,
and realize that this isn't all so awful
That my eyes have dried
and I smile even when you can't see me

I promised you to give up
when darkness becomes internal
When I stop reassuring that everything will be sorted out by its own
when waiting wouldn't heal anything anymore

I guess I can't sink any deeper than this, I'm sorry

I'm so sorry
that this won't have an end yet, not an end of any kind

Plea

Dearest psychologist,
I'm writing you because I know
that my head can't cope itself for too long now
though there aren't any faults in it that would be new
Not that I don't know what's causing it
I just don't quite understand
why reality is so hard to sustain

No.

Dear therapist,
I must admit that I'm at a loss
and can no longer differentiate hunger from death
My roles are straight from the pen of an alcoholic artist
and I wouldn't want to die
just because happy endings are old fashioned

Perhaps not.

Honorable social worker,
would it be possible to find a place for me from a padded room
Oh, no is it, that's what I expected
But what if I told you I went to the Moon last night
and that I murdered myself in a forest with a toaster
does that sound bad enough

I don't think they'll buy it.

To whom it may concern
at times I don't remember I'm human
so could you wrap me in the warmth of your body so
that this decaying would stop for a moment
Would you be the stripped voice of my sanity whilst
I drown in safety just for a little while

Would that be alright in any way?

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Pride

My pride doesn't give in easily
I had to plea a permission for this with all the rules of bureaucracy
as if I had to consider my need
Help, help
You shouldn't yell that, others fear they'll get infected
but a fire, that makes heroes
But what then when the attention is on me
and my distress is only bleeding blood
that will stop flowing
when you take away from me
everything

You, but you know how,
understand everything
How would you patch perfect

A success in the eyes of the world
What can you do, it's hard to take them seriously;
those words that are uttered out of breath
Good one, now get up already
Would you believe it, I've been lying for a long time now
but on this side of the paper can you finally see the truth
Do you believe

This was supposed to be the last stop
that I can achieve
I imagined that now finally
you would see something else in me
than what has been handed to me

What is it that you want, attention
just die away, haven't you done enough damage already
by being always better than everyone else

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Too Much Time

I have too much time
to think over the same thoughts
even if they'd never change
Too much time suffocating my breathing
when the future waits without an end
for me, who wants nothing else but hide
back into the time when I knew nothing
Of how bad love feels

Regret gets its bad will from memories
that can't be cleared by scouring,
won't reveal a reason to be forgiving to yourself

It's like I'm trying to wipe away
the movements of water, turned into fragile wave long ago
or return the particles of dust to their place
when they've once been flown into the air to dance their curse
even when they remain unchanged in my mind
But who said that reality would follow one's dreams

I'd just want to go back to the moment
when I just suspected my feelings
and walked fumbling in the fall and figured out names for them

But it has been too long time
and my persistent thinking can't rewind anything else but the chance to try again

Happy

I almost told you
how I'm still in the wrong place
even though this was supposed to be where I could stay
it's not like you can fix this feeling but I thought
that mere attention would be enough for me right now,
just the thought of you worrying
I'm evil but at least I made sure
that you know it as well

Then I realized you're happy

Your life is valuable enough
so that you can understand it
even when insane suffering claims more space

You're happy
and you didn't tell me anything about it

Do you understand how bad...

but I should be glad.

I should.

I guess I'm fine too, then.

Psychosis

It's too late to do anything about this
anxiety dived into psychosis faster
than any particle wanders below the mountains
it's absolutely too late to save me
let me stay here to sleep
a restless sleep
which could be defined as cruelty in some human-friendly
country
but I can't escape from it anymore either

I couldn't get anywhere
no matter how often I left,
breathed my lungs through with new air and
forgot even my old names

You promised to help me before I'd be destroyed
but I guess you fell into the same hole as I did,
into optimism
I thought that mood disorder is a joke
because it's not serious, not yet
and depression can be cured if you simply forget you're suffering

It's too late to mourn over me
when even the distant light fades into the horrors of mind
Let me sleep this away
and perhapse I wake up in a better place
far away from here
so you won't have to see the end of this

Illusion

My life is well, better than ever

I forgot the past and what's there to fear in the future

except for not knowing what it holds

Death is never too far

Yes, I'm totally in check

I perform my duty like a well oiled machine

and I'm not tired, wouldn't stress for the death of me

Victory, another one, achievements are like small pebbles on my path

and they get entangled to my feet

so I can no longer tell the small ones from the big ones

but what does it matter when I can't settle for less

I can do everything, all I need to do is to go and take

when I have emptied myself completely

I've gotten everything into a delicate balance

and any minute now it will give in as well

I understand anger, bitterness, even hatred

Everything is as well as it can be in the real world

but that's the thing that tires me, infinitely

What is left when you take away the perfect

Me, useless and inadequate

me, incompetent for love

Better just keep on going

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Stuck in October

What does it take to move on?
Some say the way you get there is more important
than the actual goal you're aiming for
but I can't see any importance in trying to no avail
I can't understand hopeless tries
I'm not the type to dream of unrealistic things
just being eventually happy would be enough

Grief is a greedy guest
and it doesn't leave even when your cabinets are all empty
somehow it seems like the calendar is stuck in October
and the rainy days, cold nights
when it's too dark for the snow to come
and clean up this world

I'm holding on to the memorable things
don't get me wrong, I haven't lost it yet
unlike everything else, my sanity remains
This is just my way to keep myself from hoping
that one day I'd see the importance
in believing in life
This is just my way to protect myself
from being touched by someone again