Lack of Trust

I suffer from a chronic lack of confidence
a nasty disease that has a diagnose but no treatment
I know it hurts you especially when you admit your feelings,
name them in front of me
and I deny them like it was a commandment
like you were a liar without an objective view
about what you actually can think of me
Like I could dictate the line
for where you start imagine things for us

like I knew something

It's also a problem that I demand proof
constantly more and words are definitely not enough
you turn your back to talk to someone else and so
all your work is nullified, you get to start over
unless you want to get rid of me already

I don't do it on purpose, I just fear the pain
That comes with trust, automatically
the pain for being wrong
when you hushed those warning voices

wrong when you gave up your fears

I just need proof, more and more all the time
that you won't leave me

and lots and lots of patience

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Brave

I don't fear dark and the murderers that thrive in it
a little bit of high places and bridges though
but doesn't that only mean that my subconscious fear that I will jump from them
it sounds mad because I can't really come up with a worse way to die
But I don't fear snakes or the forest beasts
even though they warn you about them quite a bit
I don't like mice but one can stand them as well

My only rational fear is about wasps and things like that

What does the deepest conscious of my subconscious fear me to do with them,
is the sting a symbol straight from Freud

It would be best if it didn't, or what would that then tell about my sexuality
that it's the sting itself that I fear

But don't be fooled, I'm not brave
I fear a lot and all the time because the object of my fear never leaves my side

for I fear my own thoughts and what they can accomplish:
an enemy there, a bad word here, indifference in the gestures
anger, loathing, hate, contempt

Do they really exist, are they meant for me
I cannot know unless someone points me that I was wrong

and then I can fear again

I'm not brave just scared
oh if only I could leave this life so I didn't have to live like this

are my fears justified, I don't know but strangely they still keep me up at nights

strangely they don't disappear

Translated by Sith Fisto.

I Love You

I love you more than light
to me you are a road out of this evil
that emerged from within me without a warning
when I poked the unknown a bit too long a bit too intently
Without you my sanity probably would never had seen this day
it would have collapsed on itself

I love I love I love

It slurs on the tongue, the l and v are too close together
they get tangled and I falter out a word
that sounds stupid even when I say it
even though you'd think everyone is already used to the things I rattle off
my unfinished thoughts

I love you because you haven't left me so far
over and over again you demand that you can carry my tears
and your hand is warm when you press it against my skin
Because of you I have the faith to believe in change,
in the meaning of trying

You are important I care for you I love you

Could you say it any worse, but still I have to
because how else would you know, thoughts alone aren't enough
But how could I avoid the clichès, go around the dangers
so that you would take my words as truth and not as just a new trick
to keep you close to me

I love you the wrong way and too much, I can't lie
I don't know if you'll forgive it even though you say so
I don't know can an evil this human be forgiven
when I can't even regret it, I can only be guilty
and you probably don't want any more "I'm sorry" phrases

I love you because you are everything, the center of gravity
and I don't see light from the desperation with any other way
than by trusting you

I love I love I love

There, I said it
here I am and cannot change

Translated by Sith Fisto.

That You Would Love Me

That you would love me, let me laugh
betrayal tastes like bad chocolate in the mouth
the disappointment when you don't get what you expected
Your words are beautiful and I appreciate your gesture
but I can't take it as the truth

Why?

because it's not normal to cry like that for hours
because it's not normal to fear immediately that it'll fail
because I can't wait for losing you

Because I'll tear apart if I believe
and then cry a little more

That you would love me, let me laugh
to save myself

That you would forgive everything, I hardly think so
no matter how much you'd love me you couldn't accept the evil
that I've knowingly done

you can't give me mercy

because I don't know what I'd do with my guilt
because I don't see any other solution than to continue wallowing in it
because I'm selfish and you shouldn't reward me for it

because I'm crying again
and can't decide which I want more
your closeness or that you would hit me
so that I would get what I deserve

because I fear too much that I'm believing in dreams

Translated by VERY hardworking Sith Fisto.

I Have Feared

I have feared to be weak
because who has the effort to drag someone with you
without the option to throw himself to the trust
that the other one will survive on his own as well
And I have feared to be strong, enviously powerful
because I know I will easily get stuck
so that breaking down is again a little bit too close
and unpleasant
Besides I don't want to leave others laying behind me
disappointed to the core because I couldn't make it

I have feared to give the wrong answer
because that would be stupidity and no one loves an idiot
except your own mom and who is content with that
But at some point I didn't have the courage to answer right either
when my too apparent trying was starting to wear the others down
and no one wants to grow and live in the shadow
Even the unbeaten needs to fall to be accepted

I have feared to let others close,
you can't win with me even if we didn't bet on it,
even though I recognize my own problems
And I don't want anyone to look for ways to fix the flaws
that I don't want to fight myself
I have feared to push others further and be honest
because perhaps they would understand wrong
and they would leave entirely

Even a bad friendship is better than loneliness
both are straining but in different ways

even though I am always alone, with my fears

I have feared freedom
for who would then take care that I'm good enough for others
that I do things the way they should be done
and that I will succeed in life
Only about the prison of my mind have I not had nightmares about
because in these fears I can trust, they won't abandon me
and won't change into something else

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Pile the Falling Pieces

Too short of a moment to throw yourself, to mature, to grow enough
that I could find the right answers, right the ones
that I guess what I should say
I'm too much of a mathematician, blinded problem solver
perhaps I should let go of the expectation value
But still

The silence that should be broken like all other routines
beat up the bones of your knuckles into tiny pieces
without caring your own voice
You can't say "I know how you feel,"
just a cotton-patched thing resembling a clause
Or "if me, then you can do"
it reveals too much
draws the attention to me
away from you

Too short, silence falling short to irresolute
when wisdom should be found to this
without sounding like a familiar spirit
or like I'm talking just to cover my own popping distress
when you should offer a heart-stopping solace
so that with it you could pile the falling pieces
without the undertone of selfishness

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Tag

I didn't know I could fear for something
which value I have consciously trampled and put down
and which destruction I myself have sped up
Skin leaves the felsh so easily
even though blood covers the visibility
It's the inducing of death, coaxing
which one leads, which is destroyed
so far I have taken victory in my name
But right now I'm doubting
that these terrors will be my last

I didn't believe that the faith I played with so diligently
that I cherished and admired and developed
would be as horrible as the unknown as it came closer
for sometimes it was more of a promise

And here we are, playing tag one more time
this one last time
for now it is final

I can still run but for how long will be enough

I didn't know I could start missing life
when it has already escaped my vicinity
when I have scorned it and imprisoned it be my plaything
Now it won't come alive from its prison
and I am afraid

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Blueberry Stain

Guilt should be based in a crime
in the stomping of some written rule
or in the insulting of a common opinion
Be it as it is, it should have its reason
so that you wouldn't have to take the punishment with pleading

Someone has said that men are grown to guilt
at some point it grabs me like a blueberry stain
if it is to stick
and there nothing you can do then except dye everything with black
But does the self-consciousness disappear underneath the disguise after all
when you really have tried to forget

So there it is and there it can be found
to take sides on everything I do
And even when my sanity tells to silence that jinx
all my efforts are in vain
Especially now that I know it to be the only force
that keeps me socially acceptable
and in total control, as it should be

Translated by Sith Fisto.