Black Pit

Holding back the sobs
I can't reveal this hideout to you
when our foreheads are pressed against each other
I need you to breathe the air for me
until it's softer to inhale
and I can eventually pull some in
I have someone to love
I'm minor no more but part of this society

The last black pit of my mind
I need to savor it for later days
so I'll always appreciate the time you put into healing me
Excuse me if I have to retreat there every now and then
but I want to remember my past
even the times when it almost took my life

With my own hand
I almost became your angel
But isn't this better

I have someone to love
Your heart beat is the sign for me
it lets me know I made it out there alive
Every god turned their backs on me
as they realized I couldn't be saved
but all it took was a human to turn these tracks around
Finally I know what humane means

The last desperate vortex of my bad days
It'll never scar away but remain sore
but what does it matter
It's all I need to love you
and I need you to make this world softer
so I can face it by myself
when you're busy with something else

Inspired by a fanfic and Big Bang's "Somebody to Love" that I happen to like very muc indeed.

Unsecurity

I don't like being alone
or actually, I'm afraid of it
Now I said it. I eventually said it
Oh sure, mock me all you want
but don't you dare to point out how pathetic it is
for a kid my age to be scared of invisible monsters
because you have no idea what comes out
when I'm all by myself without a guard
When my mind is free to wander

I really don't like watching over my own life
because I never really know if I have control over myself

That's why I please everyone
as long as I can I keep all of you happy
you'll stay, just that bit longer
and I can fall asleep, pretending
that this same chase of company doesn't begin again tomorrow
But just leave out the fact that I'm useless
when my fears are free
because you can't imagine how it feels
when your rationality turns its back on you

I don't know if I can protect myself
from what rises from deep within

And that's why I'm so afraid
of being abandoned again,
with only my thoughts to keep me company
because that's when something horrible usually happens
Don't you suggest I get help or go to a shrink
this was built inside me before I could protest or make a choice
You simply don't know how bad it is
when your own brain is designed to hate you

Promise

You promised to be there
when I can't make another dawn to come,
another sunrise to start my life again
and you said you could show me the things
that are still here and still have a meaning
Things that didn't run away with everything I miss now
You said you would make it better
with your words and your words only

You promised to lead me
until I can make my own path into the sand
without missing the road signs, easy to read
You said you wouldn't take your hand away
before I let go myself
and you said it would be effortless to carry on
once I found the right way

I have now struggled to break free
from the fears and worries owning me
But you did nothing what you said you would
and nothing seems to be the way you said it is
Because I'm really lost and there's not much left
at least nothing I recognize as my own

And the sun is below the horizon for good
I can't bring it up for my eyes to admire

Actually I don't want to keep going
when all you painted for me was a fairytale
because if this world is this dark
then is there a reason to live in it?

My Pieces

Strange enough, it feels like my pieces are getting away
I was sure they were safely piled in my heart
and stored for better days
when I'd have time to sort them, to put them together
But now I watch them slip between my fingers
like they never belonged to me
and they're running further, like they had wings
They're flying further than I'd ever go

I thought I had control over them
heartbreak is not the end of the world
and I knew I could fix myself over time
if I only could muster up enough strength
And I assumed the pieces would wait nicely
and never, ever rebel
But now they're almost gone
and I don't dare to stop them
Because they'll see the things I can only dream of

My pieces are flying away with the wind
and screaming happily as they go
I guess my heart felt like a prison to them
as they had no place to move
I guess my pieces wanted to live more than I did
and made the effort to do so

While I stay here and regret

Tired

When I'm tired of being alone
the world crushes in with no shame
and wipes away my peace of mind
pushing me until I fall
into the same kind of trouble
I fought out of before

When I'm tired of feeling lonely
who's there to follow, whose hand is there to take?
Who can take the responsibility
of my sanity

I'm lonely and tired to wonder
whether I should change or give up completely
it seems as if these questions are not going away

When I'm tired of being alone
alone to chase my own kind of demons
I can't think of anyone to call to my side

I'm tired of being lonely
but I can't stop looking over my shoulder
because the unwanted guests will never leave me
Who's there to lead me, whose hand is there to guide me
I don't know, I can't see it

And I'm tired of being blind

People Say

I've heard people say I should aim for the stars
and it seems like my only option
since no tree top would be good enough for me
I can't settle on normal, on usual
because I have to go further
even if it means going there alone

I've heard people say I'll be something great
and that there's no doubt about it
but why do I find myself questoning
the route my life has taken?
When did I made the choice
not to be happy with simplicity

I've heard people say they're proud of me
but I'm just ashamed
of the go-getter I've turned out to be
for it's just a lie, it's just a lie
no one can see past
I'm just as afraid as everyone is
but I'm the one who's supposed to make it anyway

I've heard people say I'll be famous one day
but I don't want to be known by this name
not by what I've done
because I'd rather be normal and loved
for who I am, not for what I can do
or what I know
because I'd rather not be alone
than bask in the glory