Important, read this

Before I say anything else I want to point out that this is a decision I've been trying to make for a long while already.

I will stop translating my poems for now. How long that break will be, I cannot predict. I haven't made any deadlines or decided on any dates but this decision stands as long as it seems appropriate, as long as I feel like this.

I don't know if any of you feels disappointed because of that or any of you wants to know why but in case you do, I want to explain my decision to you shortly. Or not-shortly-at-all, I think.

I've been writing like crazy for the past autumn and winter. And yes, there're several reasons for that but I don't want to get into them in public. Nor do I want to talk about them in private. But I've been typing and typing like a lunatic, roughly 30 poems per month (though my record for last year is 41 poems in 31 days.). This has been going on for months now and I don't see an end to this in the near future. All of those poems have been in Finnish. (Plus I wrote and won NaNoWriMo this year, too. That's over 100 pages.) Sith Fisto is a busy university student and she's supposed to graduate this summer which leaves her very little time to translate my poems. I also know that my poems have grown longer and harder to interpret, too. She's been doing her best but she has a life of her own and I haven't paid her anything during the 1 ½ years she's been doing this. She's a real gem but unfortunately my creativeness is overpowering her. As well as me, because I don't have the time, will or energy to translate my poems myself. I've tried but I really, really don't even want to do it.

Nowadays I write my poems to myself and not for the audience. When I first started my English blog in 2008 (what a kid I was back then) all I wanted was recognition, feedback and readers. That's why I also started translating my poems, too. And I got all that I wanted, for a while. I also found dA and started posting my poems there as well which gained me even more, though more occasional, readers. It was wonderful and all I could have asked for. But then... I grew more mature, I'd say. I stopped craving for that attention so badly and I realized it can't be the reason why I write. Writing is like breathing or eating to me, I don't have to think or work hard to do it but I wouldn't function without it. And during the last year it became more and more obvious as I started to deal with my personal life and emotions through my poetry, my art.

I don't have that many readers in Finnish but actually it's fine. Right now I can't bring myself to be interested in anyone's opinions. Translating my poems was really just a way to reach more people and as I'm not interested in that anymore, translating seems unnecessary.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate you, my dear readers. I've loved every comment I've received and sometimes they've really cheered me up when I've felt bad about myself. You've been really important to me but right now... I just don't have what it takes.

I've also felt that my poems just can't be translated perfectly into English. Even though Sith Fisto is really good at what she's doing, something is always lost on the way. The poems are not the same after they've been translated. I write in Finnish in purpose because Finnish is a perfect, the most suitable way for me to express myself. English just doesn't really compliment my work. It frustrates both me and Sith even though I don't know whether she's such a perfectionist as I am.

I will keep writing, there's no doubt about that. I just won't be publishing anything here. Perhaps I'll start again when the time is right and when I've found my passion and drive for translating and reaching out for the rest of the world again. But right now I want to concentrate on my original pieces, the Finnish ones.

I'm really sorry but this is something I had to do. It's nothing you did, absolutely no because you didn't let me down. My interests just changed. My life in total changed.

Hero

Let's presume I was a hero
that suddenly I knew it to be my part
if I can't do anything useful with what to support myself
Yes, if I was a hero
weak but excellent enough
to win myself when the time arose
and then I would also love you so much
that the power of that emotion would wear down mountains and reshape the sky

I suppose first I would need to stop the distress corroding myself
and win my own desire to give in to fatigue

As a hero I would perform feats of valor
such as saving you from flying vipers
and building a castle where the nightmares can't reach
and then I'd ride and be incredibly brave
in the name of love, cherishing you in my thoughts

At the moment the most heroic thing to do would probably be to get a grib
wearing a happier face and to make your worries disappear
to suffocate your fears to death
when they couldn't get any air to use from my behavior

And heroes are also selfless
so I too would refuse food and a warm room
when the situation would so demand
And I wouldn't be afraid of anything, if that was expected of me
and you could count on me
I would be a hero
admirable and somewhat perfect

It would probably be best to start the refusal with the end of gluttony
and that I would let you live without
having to feed me at the same time
I could also learn how not to be afraid
the darkness and mythical creatures of my mind
we'll consider the trust after that

Trouble Sleeping

It's hard to go to bed
When the darkness jumps on you like it had been stalking
And your own little bed expands like the hole on the ozone layer
Bigger and bigger as time goes by
And I wouldn't want to close my eyes and start a new battle whether
I can sleep or not, that's a long way to go
And it's not even certain that I would reach the destination
No one can promise that

And the morning isn't any better, it's just as dark
And I'm not even sure if any time has past
Even though the clock is beeping fiercely, it feels no mercy
It does its job even if you refused to watch it
And keeps saying "you can't be tired get up already it's morning time to be efficient"

But I am not I cannot

Why should I when I haven't rested at all

Why should I when it's so hard to breathe alone
When it feels like the rest of the world is abandoning me
Like all the unwanted escorts
Screaming after it and hoping
That it has to slow down

When it feels like I'm truly all alone
And it doesn't even matter

I no longer want to go to bed because I have to
Or because it's good for me
I don't want to sleep because it's frightening

And it could be that in the morning I can no longer get up

Greedy

I don't always know what's enough
but I want it more, and bigger
I want all the hours of the day
and every breath of the night, every movement that sways the mattress
the crankiness of the morning and
the faint exhaustion of the evening

And I don't quite yet know what I can ask for
what would be reasonable or normal
when there doesn't seem to be any rules with this
none that I could read

But I want that and this as well

And I would want that I don't have to wake up alone
or tuck myself in
I want another smile next to mine into the bathroom mirror
and more stuff into my chaos

I don't know when we'll reach the bottom
will it first come from my desire or from your ability to give
yes, that's something to think about

Still I want that you love
me, even though all I can do is take

and if I could still get that from there
I would be as happy as ever for a moment

Together

I am panicking and I guess you can see that
when I go on and on with the same sentence
even when the answer is still the same, just more vexed
But what if it had changed after all, what if you got angry
and would shout everything out so that I would finally believe
that someday you might leave me
when you realize your effort is food for the anorectic

I'm afraid, that can't be denied
or gone over or under or otherwise just dropped
I see in your eyes how much it hurts you to know
that everything has meaning but still you can't help
with talking, acting, breathing the air softer
when everything has signs but not of salvation
not for me
I make this pretty difficult

Perhaps one day you don't have the energy to watch what you say
but you throw everything away like to a last night's ice
and everything sinks

That's what you fear the most, isn't it?

that you would admit yourself how tired you are
with me not grabbing anything, only shaking

and that frustrates and it leads to anger, aggression

How about if you were honest instead and demanded something from me
instead of trying only to protect, that doesn't work

Perhaps together we could get a little bit forward again?

I Decrease

Yet I decrease
it happens easily, it doesn't take anything else but keeping your mouth shut
at right times when demanded
and avoiding too direct gazes
if I don't realize anything the others won't see either
I decrease even though there was supposed to be a certain limit
where I should have been satisfied

And somehow in my small mind it increases my value
when I withdraw into smaller space
and I'm not so choosy at all
but give away from what is mine as if I was disappearing
and it already seems like people are looking at me more approvingly
It's enough of incentive, that and fear
of being forced to back to the past
That's not what I want, better keep going then
so somekind of safety zone would exist

I decrease even though there're still spots
I have yet to intervene
I just have to patient and it happens almost by itself
it's simple once you just internalize it,
accept as your life and not bow
the burning coming from the inside or escape the discomfort
time will surely stupefy you to it

I decrease even though I dont' know
at which size I'm eventually worth something

Hunger

Hunger is good, it means I'm lacking something
Satisfaction kills the development when you all you do is enjoy
what you already have and don't understand
nothing stays together if you don't hold it
the rule of the universe if chaos
order remains only if you support it
Hunger is good, it doesn't leave me alone
but reminds me of the possibility of moving forward
I still have time

Hunger and thirst, the motive power of desperation
surprising depots deep within yourself which will disappear into consolation
what wouldn't I do to put out that ardor

what wouldn't I do to regain it

My body still wants to live and wakes me up, too
to fight for my achievements
trust is a lie which leaves me soon alone
to face the bare facts
I'm not perfect if I don't try harder
I won't succeed if I don't make sacrifices

You mustn't be happy with anything,
you must maintain the hunger

or you'll notice you're back to your old self
always just as worthless

you mustn't stop being afraid of returning to how thing used to be,
not to mention failure

you mustn't if you want to reach your indefinite goal

The rule of the universe is chaos

Lottery Win

It is difficult to adjust two lives into one
I don't know if it was meant to be like that, is it supposed to be hard
or is someone now screaming at us we should stop
but I don't want to, I laugh against your shoulder
I won't let go of the best treasure in the world

Don't mourn over being afraid at times, I have the same feeling, too
but before it becomes too heavy push it away
or allow me to step beside in and look
if you can find the same assurity in my eyes which made you follow
unless my heart is braindead it should still be there

The chain of coincidences intoxicates if you think of it
how we ended up here and how we became so suited
to try finding the exact spot in each other
where both of us would feel at least comfortable to be in

Lottery win you don't need to win again
money runs out but this one doesn't
if only everything goes well and why wouldn't it happen

It may be sometimes difficult and at times it galls badly
but even in the middle of all the wounds I cry out of happiness
against your soft skin
I own something better than painless life

Love

Anxiety knows no ends when it breaks loose
its rage and mania are unbelievable, it's hard to imagine
you could ever hold something like that underneath your ribs
in a spiral around your lungs
It explodes, it's warm
when it leaves you running after your breath
so you wouldn't have to die or would it be better than this
no, please don't
it's powerful enough even without thoughts

Depression, sadness, loneliness
billow from side to side in my glass and sway
what's reasonable, I don't know
I guess it's wat you can carry even if your legs broke
bones shattered cheerfully screaming and rekoicing the loss of burden
Disgust, disbelief, eternal separation
which one would I give away first if I had the chance
they're all equally agonizingly benumbing
yet my tearducts pump every time just as eagerly
to make the torture visible from the surface

Death, sometimes its call is stronger than life
and I don't always know which one I want to win
this tug of war over me
but in this complexed pressure I disappear

But did you know
this crisis isn't all like that
one is greater than the others and it's the word the pops in your mouth
heavy and weak from cliches
but if you ever set it free
it's too late to do anything
and it'll never return to its place
without screaming brightly and burning
until I'm all ashes and black

And still it's the one I treasure, it's the one I want more and more
for because of it I'm not out of balance with all my problems, not at all
because of love life stands a chance

Underneath the Ice

I'd caress your head
if you ever let me to see what's behind your eyes
and allow me to understand more than
what you want others to see as well,
let me understand too
It's so cold and the compression in my chest won't disappear
it's like I was swimming underneath ice, banging the class roof
hoping it'd break
under my lips
even though my blood is already seducing predators bigger than me

My fears, problems define us both
when your thougths try to run ahead of me
and predict every single turn
I might come up with in my psychosis
this won't work that way
if either one of us can't breathe real air

I'd hold you all night and trough the dark time
if only you had bad days
so that I could notice them from something other than light shadows
and fleeting gaze
which smiles nevertheless when I ask
and even then you won't say anything
I'm not capable of miracles, I hope you realized that
I'm just as dead
here, in this numb water
as the bubbles explode in my throat
when I try to inhale

Nothing is limited only in the spirals of my brain
and this won't turn out well if both of us is afraid
and chokes the other in order to
stop them from disappearing
in all our carefulness

I'd love you
if only I dared
and if you asked for it harder

Original Sin

How is man supposed to cover the original sin of their being
I understand the nature of my flaws and I'm not wishing for anything impossible,
I'm just tired of being forever worthless
to live in a middle of reflective surfaces
it should be relatively easy to decrease ballast
and change your outlines if only you make the changes with a heavy hand
not stopping to hesitate when the signs of danger blur in your eyes
I just can't anymore
fall behind my aims

How do the other do it
are they really that beautiful naturally
and did I just form like this
or have they simply struggled when I have trusted
in fairytales and ideals which define nothing but
what we'd like to think
Well, I know my limits
and I'm not chasing after superlatives
pretty or cute would be enough for now
but until then I'll keep my eyes closed
to prevent the bottom of a spoon from reflecting anything worse than truth

One day I'll correct the distortions
and I can face myself as I want
first I'll just have to take pains and hunger

but I'm not chasing after anything impossible

A Good Friend

I guess I shouldn't react like this to your sincere will to change
a good friend would tap your back and carry
if the other's determination happened to waver
but my vision of the right direction does not correlate the path
you marked out with a crazy glint in your eyes, convinced
a better life would begin next monday
or at least someday when numbers settle in right order,
a new life with as much love as you can want

a new life which could be true now if you only realized
what I'd want to give to you

Do I betray you if I question your dream?

In principle you're not asking too much, conversely you're fishing reflections
on the surfaces of mirrors, in the bottom of a deep lake
don't you understand pictures will break once you touch them and then
there's nothing left but disappointment and in the worst scenario,
you have a new badly chosen target
which is just as sustainable as the former once you reach it


How could I explain it to you whe you believe nothing but yourself
your own truth has been painted on the sky, it'll last
despite how the reality around you turns out to be like

How could I explain to you that I'm frightened by this change
when you happen to be near perfection now, not tomorrow

when I'm afraid my eyes won't find the same beauty as they do now
if you strive to polish it with violence

when you're too deep in yourself to listen

A good friend would know how to turn this into a victory
and wouldn't run after you as you near, near what?
If only I knew that much, perhaps I wouldn't be this scared

Forward

But I just can't, there's no way
I could become aware of anxiety or name it
I don't have the time, I have to
keep on moving forward, emotions shouldn't disturb remittances
and if I now sit down and talk
it won't come to an end
 
and neither one of us has the time to wait

Right now is not the time
for my heart to scream for a pardoner or
for my exhaustion to become true
don't come near me, don't
 
I'd better not to realize how much I need your warmth after all

Slow snapping of the brain
broken torn shot beyond repair
cannot stop development
 
I don't know what moderation is

Dreams

I hope I could do what's right
in a way where risks and probabilities would be in their place
and everyone would say I did just like I was supposed to
fulfilled all the expectations and poured even more
I'd want to be like that, a benefactor
and morally absolutely strong
and never lost
and never confused
when life doesn't obey theories
 
I wish I could know what's best
so that I could then aim for it
and I wouldn't have to think or regret, just act
and everyone would praise me and tell me I was so wise
surprisingly intelligent when I always saw the light
I'd want to be sure
my deeds won't hurt
despite the fact I mean good
and everything happens as I've meant it to

I'd also want to have all the answers in the world
so I wouldn't have to ask or be unsure
and I'd also want mistakes to be impossible to make
because as it is now, when all that is just a dream
I capable of nothing

With Someone Else's Eyes

If only I could borrow my thoughts toyou
and put you standing to my footprints for a moment
so maybe you'd see more clearly
why I won't budge from your side
even though you repeat time after time
how everything's wrong with you like in a sloping tower
and how gravity pulls your sanity together faster
than I can patch it with my words 
than you can cover it beneath deception yourself
 
I can't put it into words
all my thoughts and not even my emotions
even if I recognized every one of themmy emotional intelligence is rather primitive
and that's it'd do good for you to be me, for a while
not for long because it would hurt but
for a while anyway
so you'd see what I see:
you're worth it
 
And I know you don't even believe me
when I speak with my mout dripping foam and my eyes leaking
as if I was going to raise a deluge for a greater assurance

I know I'm not particularly believable
when I fumble and search for the right way
the one that would take me closer to my goal,
the moment when you understand
I'm not talking just to stay warm

and take my words as truth
 
But if only you could be me
and experience the subjectivity
which I hope to become more objective in you
experience it and understand
it's just as true
as my cold hands are
 
Then you'd question nothing anymore
and I could smile more freely

Because I love you for real

Lack of Trust

I suffer from a chronic lack of confidence
a nasty disease that has a diagnose but no treatment
I know it hurts you especially when you admit your feelings,
name them in front of me
and I deny them like it was a commandment
like you were a liar without an objective view
about what you actually can think of me
Like I could dictate the line
for where you start imagine things for us

like I knew something

It's also a problem that I demand proof
constantly more and words are definitely not enough
you turn your back to talk to someone else and so
all your work is nullified, you get to start over
unless you want to get rid of me already

I don't do it on purpose, I just fear the pain
That comes with trust, automatically
the pain for being wrong
when you hushed those warning voices

wrong when you gave up your fears

I just need proof, more and more all the time
that you won't leave me

and lots and lots of patience

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Brave

I don't fear dark and the murderers that thrive in it
a little bit of high places and bridges though
but doesn't that only mean that my subconscious fear that I will jump from them
it sounds mad because I can't really come up with a worse way to die
But I don't fear snakes or the forest beasts
even though they warn you about them quite a bit
I don't like mice but one can stand them as well

My only rational fear is about wasps and things like that

What does the deepest conscious of my subconscious fear me to do with them,
is the sting a symbol straight from Freud

It would be best if it didn't, or what would that then tell about my sexuality
that it's the sting itself that I fear

But don't be fooled, I'm not brave
I fear a lot and all the time because the object of my fear never leaves my side

for I fear my own thoughts and what they can accomplish:
an enemy there, a bad word here, indifference in the gestures
anger, loathing, hate, contempt

Do they really exist, are they meant for me
I cannot know unless someone points me that I was wrong

and then I can fear again

I'm not brave just scared
oh if only I could leave this life so I didn't have to live like this

are my fears justified, I don't know but strangely they still keep me up at nights

strangely they don't disappear

Translated by Sith Fisto.

I Love You

I love you more than light
to me you are a road out of this evil
that emerged from within me without a warning
when I poked the unknown a bit too long a bit too intently
Without you my sanity probably would never had seen this day
it would have collapsed on itself

I love I love I love

It slurs on the tongue, the l and v are too close together
they get tangled and I falter out a word
that sounds stupid even when I say it
even though you'd think everyone is already used to the things I rattle off
my unfinished thoughts

I love you because you haven't left me so far
over and over again you demand that you can carry my tears
and your hand is warm when you press it against my skin
Because of you I have the faith to believe in change,
in the meaning of trying

You are important I care for you I love you

Could you say it any worse, but still I have to
because how else would you know, thoughts alone aren't enough
But how could I avoid the clichès, go around the dangers
so that you would take my words as truth and not as just a new trick
to keep you close to me

I love you the wrong way and too much, I can't lie
I don't know if you'll forgive it even though you say so
I don't know can an evil this human be forgiven
when I can't even regret it, I can only be guilty
and you probably don't want any more "I'm sorry" phrases

I love you because you are everything, the center of gravity
and I don't see light from the desperation with any other way
than by trusting you

I love I love I love

There, I said it
here I am and cannot change

Translated by Sith Fisto.

That You Would Love Me

That you would love me, let me laugh
betrayal tastes like bad chocolate in the mouth
the disappointment when you don't get what you expected
Your words are beautiful and I appreciate your gesture
but I can't take it as the truth

Why?

because it's not normal to cry like that for hours
because it's not normal to fear immediately that it'll fail
because I can't wait for losing you

Because I'll tear apart if I believe
and then cry a little more

That you would love me, let me laugh
to save myself

That you would forgive everything, I hardly think so
no matter how much you'd love me you couldn't accept the evil
that I've knowingly done

you can't give me mercy

because I don't know what I'd do with my guilt
because I don't see any other solution than to continue wallowing in it
because I'm selfish and you shouldn't reward me for it

because I'm crying again
and can't decide which I want more
your closeness or that you would hit me
so that I would get what I deserve

because I fear too much that I'm believing in dreams

Translated by VERY hardworking Sith Fisto.

I Have Feared

I have feared to be weak
because who has the effort to drag someone with you
without the option to throw himself to the trust
that the other one will survive on his own as well
And I have feared to be strong, enviously powerful
because I know I will easily get stuck
so that breaking down is again a little bit too close
and unpleasant
Besides I don't want to leave others laying behind me
disappointed to the core because I couldn't make it

I have feared to give the wrong answer
because that would be stupidity and no one loves an idiot
except your own mom and who is content with that
But at some point I didn't have the courage to answer right either
when my too apparent trying was starting to wear the others down
and no one wants to grow and live in the shadow
Even the unbeaten needs to fall to be accepted

I have feared to let others close,
you can't win with me even if we didn't bet on it,
even though I recognize my own problems
And I don't want anyone to look for ways to fix the flaws
that I don't want to fight myself
I have feared to push others further and be honest
because perhaps they would understand wrong
and they would leave entirely

Even a bad friendship is better than loneliness
both are straining but in different ways

even though I am always alone, with my fears

I have feared freedom
for who would then take care that I'm good enough for others
that I do things the way they should be done
and that I will succeed in life
Only about the prison of my mind have I not had nightmares about
because in these fears I can trust, they won't abandon me
and won't change into something else

Translated by Sith Fisto.