Important, read this

Before I say anything else I want to point out that this is a decision I've been trying to make for a long while already.

I will stop translating my poems for now. How long that break will be, I cannot predict. I haven't made any deadlines or decided on any dates but this decision stands as long as it seems appropriate, as long as I feel like this.

I don't know if any of you feels disappointed because of that or any of you wants to know why but in case you do, I want to explain my decision to you shortly. Or not-shortly-at-all, I think.

I've been writing like crazy for the past autumn and winter. And yes, there're several reasons for that but I don't want to get into them in public. Nor do I want to talk about them in private. But I've been typing and typing like a lunatic, roughly 30 poems per month (though my record for last year is 41 poems in 31 days.). This has been going on for months now and I don't see an end to this in the near future. All of those poems have been in Finnish. (Plus I wrote and won NaNoWriMo this year, too. That's over 100 pages.) Sith Fisto is a busy university student and she's supposed to graduate this summer which leaves her very little time to translate my poems. I also know that my poems have grown longer and harder to interpret, too. She's been doing her best but she has a life of her own and I haven't paid her anything during the 1 ½ years she's been doing this. She's a real gem but unfortunately my creativeness is overpowering her. As well as me, because I don't have the time, will or energy to translate my poems myself. I've tried but I really, really don't even want to do it.

Nowadays I write my poems to myself and not for the audience. When I first started my English blog in 2008 (what a kid I was back then) all I wanted was recognition, feedback and readers. That's why I also started translating my poems, too. And I got all that I wanted, for a while. I also found dA and started posting my poems there as well which gained me even more, though more occasional, readers. It was wonderful and all I could have asked for. But then... I grew more mature, I'd say. I stopped craving for that attention so badly and I realized it can't be the reason why I write. Writing is like breathing or eating to me, I don't have to think or work hard to do it but I wouldn't function without it. And during the last year it became more and more obvious as I started to deal with my personal life and emotions through my poetry, my art.

I don't have that many readers in Finnish but actually it's fine. Right now I can't bring myself to be interested in anyone's opinions. Translating my poems was really just a way to reach more people and as I'm not interested in that anymore, translating seems unnecessary.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate you, my dear readers. I've loved every comment I've received and sometimes they've really cheered me up when I've felt bad about myself. You've been really important to me but right now... I just don't have what it takes.

I've also felt that my poems just can't be translated perfectly into English. Even though Sith Fisto is really good at what she's doing, something is always lost on the way. The poems are not the same after they've been translated. I write in Finnish in purpose because Finnish is a perfect, the most suitable way for me to express myself. English just doesn't really compliment my work. It frustrates both me and Sith even though I don't know whether she's such a perfectionist as I am.

I will keep writing, there's no doubt about that. I just won't be publishing anything here. Perhaps I'll start again when the time is right and when I've found my passion and drive for translating and reaching out for the rest of the world again. But right now I want to concentrate on my original pieces, the Finnish ones.

I'm really sorry but this is something I had to do. It's nothing you did, absolutely no because you didn't let me down. My interests just changed. My life in total changed.

Hero

Let's presume I was a hero
that suddenly I knew it to be my part
if I can't do anything useful with what to support myself
Yes, if I was a hero
weak but excellent enough
to win myself when the time arose
and then I would also love you so much
that the power of that emotion would wear down mountains and reshape the sky

I suppose first I would need to stop the distress corroding myself
and win my own desire to give in to fatigue

As a hero I would perform feats of valor
such as saving you from flying vipers
and building a castle where the nightmares can't reach
and then I'd ride and be incredibly brave
in the name of love, cherishing you in my thoughts

At the moment the most heroic thing to do would probably be to get a grib
wearing a happier face and to make your worries disappear
to suffocate your fears to death
when they couldn't get any air to use from my behavior

And heroes are also selfless
so I too would refuse food and a warm room
when the situation would so demand
And I wouldn't be afraid of anything, if that was expected of me
and you could count on me
I would be a hero
admirable and somewhat perfect

It would probably be best to start the refusal with the end of gluttony
and that I would let you live without
having to feed me at the same time
I could also learn how not to be afraid
the darkness and mythical creatures of my mind
we'll consider the trust after that

Trouble Sleeping

It's hard to go to bed
When the darkness jumps on you like it had been stalking
And your own little bed expands like the hole on the ozone layer
Bigger and bigger as time goes by
And I wouldn't want to close my eyes and start a new battle whether
I can sleep or not, that's a long way to go
And it's not even certain that I would reach the destination
No one can promise that

And the morning isn't any better, it's just as dark
And I'm not even sure if any time has past
Even though the clock is beeping fiercely, it feels no mercy
It does its job even if you refused to watch it
And keeps saying "you can't be tired get up already it's morning time to be efficient"

But I am not I cannot

Why should I when I haven't rested at all

Why should I when it's so hard to breathe alone
When it feels like the rest of the world is abandoning me
Like all the unwanted escorts
Screaming after it and hoping
That it has to slow down

When it feels like I'm truly all alone
And it doesn't even matter

I no longer want to go to bed because I have to
Or because it's good for me
I don't want to sleep because it's frightening

And it could be that in the morning I can no longer get up

Greedy

I don't always know what's enough
but I want it more, and bigger
I want all the hours of the day
and every breath of the night, every movement that sways the mattress
the crankiness of the morning and
the faint exhaustion of the evening

And I don't quite yet know what I can ask for
what would be reasonable or normal
when there doesn't seem to be any rules with this
none that I could read

But I want that and this as well

And I would want that I don't have to wake up alone
or tuck myself in
I want another smile next to mine into the bathroom mirror
and more stuff into my chaos

I don't know when we'll reach the bottom
will it first come from my desire or from your ability to give
yes, that's something to think about

Still I want that you love
me, even though all I can do is take

and if I could still get that from there
I would be as happy as ever for a moment

Together

I am panicking and I guess you can see that
when I go on and on with the same sentence
even when the answer is still the same, just more vexed
But what if it had changed after all, what if you got angry
and would shout everything out so that I would finally believe
that someday you might leave me
when you realize your effort is food for the anorectic

I'm afraid, that can't be denied
or gone over or under or otherwise just dropped
I see in your eyes how much it hurts you to know
that everything has meaning but still you can't help
with talking, acting, breathing the air softer
when everything has signs but not of salvation
not for me
I make this pretty difficult

Perhaps one day you don't have the energy to watch what you say
but you throw everything away like to a last night's ice
and everything sinks

That's what you fear the most, isn't it?

that you would admit yourself how tired you are
with me not grabbing anything, only shaking

and that frustrates and it leads to anger, aggression

How about if you were honest instead and demanded something from me
instead of trying only to protect, that doesn't work

Perhaps together we could get a little bit forward again?

I Decrease

Yet I decrease
it happens easily, it doesn't take anything else but keeping your mouth shut
at right times when demanded
and avoiding too direct gazes
if I don't realize anything the others won't see either
I decrease even though there was supposed to be a certain limit
where I should have been satisfied

And somehow in my small mind it increases my value
when I withdraw into smaller space
and I'm not so choosy at all
but give away from what is mine as if I was disappearing
and it already seems like people are looking at me more approvingly
It's enough of incentive, that and fear
of being forced to back to the past
That's not what I want, better keep going then
so somekind of safety zone would exist

I decrease even though there're still spots
I have yet to intervene
I just have to patient and it happens almost by itself
it's simple once you just internalize it,
accept as your life and not bow
the burning coming from the inside or escape the discomfort
time will surely stupefy you to it

I decrease even though I dont' know
at which size I'm eventually worth something