My pieces

Important, read this

2012-01-05T23:06:00.001+02:00

Before I say anything else I want to point out that this is a decision I've been trying to make for a long while already.

I will stop translating my poems for now. How long that break will be, I cannot predict. I haven't made any deadlines or decided on any dates but this decision stands as long as it seems appropriate, as long as I feel like this.

I don't know if any of you feels disappointed because of that or any of you wants to know why but in case you do, I want to explain my decision to you shortly. Or not-shortly-at-all, I think.

I've been writing like crazy for the past autumn and winter. And yes, there're several reasons for that but I don't want to get into them in public. Nor do I want to talk about them in private. But I've been typing and typing like a lunatic, roughly 30 poems per month (though my record for last year is 41 poems in 31 days.). This has been going on for months now and I don't see an end to this in the near future. All of those poems have been in Finnish. (Plus I wrote and won NaNoWriMo this year, too. That's over 100 pages.) Sith Fisto is a busy university student and she's supposed to graduate this summer which leaves her very little time to translate my poems. I also know that my poems have grown longer and harder to interpret, too. She's been doing her best but she has a life of her own and I haven't paid her anything during the 1 ½ years she's been doing this. She's a real gem but unfortunately my creativeness is overpowering her. As well as me, because I don't have the time, will or energy to translate my poems myself. I've tried but I really, really don't even want to do it.

Nowadays I write my poems to myself and not for the audience. When I first started my English blog in 2008 (what a kid I was back then) all I wanted was recognition, feedback and readers. That's why I also started translating my poems, too. And I got all that I wanted, for a while. I also found dA and started posting my poems there as well which gained me even more, though more occasional, readers. It was wonderful and all I could have asked for. But then... I grew more mature, I'd say. I stopped craving for that attention so badly and I realized it can't be the reason why I write. Writing is like breathing or eating to me, I don't have to think or work hard to do it but I wouldn't function without it. And during the last year it became more and more obvious as I started to deal with my personal life and emotions through my poetry, my art.

I don't have that many readers in Finnish but actually it's fine. Right now I can't bring myself to be interested in anyone's opinions. Translating my poems was really just a way to reach more people and as I'm not interested in that anymore, translating seems unnecessary.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate you, my dear readers. I've loved every comment I've received and sometimes they've really cheered me up when I've felt bad about myself. You've been really important to me but right now... I just don't have what it takes.

I've also felt that my poems just can't be translated perfectly into English. Even though Sith Fisto is really good at what she's doing, something is always lost on the way. The poems are not the same after they've been translated. I write in Finnish in purpose because Finnish is a perfect, the most suitable way for me to express myself. English just doesn't really compliment my work. It frustrates both me and Sith even though I don't know whether she's such a perfectionist as I am.

I will keep writing, there's no doubt about that. I just won't be publishing anything here. Perhaps I'll start again when the time is right and when I've found my passion and drive for translating and reaching out for the rest of the world again. But right now I want to concentrate on my original pieces, the Finnish ones.

I'm really sorry but this is something I had to do. It's nothing you did, absolutely no because you didn't let me down. My interests just changed. My life in total changed.

Hero

2011-12-19T22:26:00.001+02:00

Let's presume I was a hero
that suddenly I knew it to be my part
if I can't do anything useful with what to support myself
Yes, if I was a hero
weak but excellent enough
to win myself when the time arose
and then I would also love you so much
that the power of that emotion would wear down mountains and reshape the sky

I suppose first I would need to stop the distress corroding myself
and win my own desire to give in to fatigue

As a hero I would perform feats of valor
such as saving you from flying vipers
and building a castle where the nightmares can't reach
and then I'd ride and be incredibly brave
in the name of love, cherishing you in my thoughts

At the moment the most heroic thing to do would probably be to get a grib
wearing a happier face and to make your worries disappear
to suffocate your fears to death
when they couldn't get any air to use from my behavior

And heroes are also selfless
so I too would refuse food and a warm room
when the situation would so demand
And I wouldn't be afraid of anything, if that was expected of me
and you could count on me
I would be a hero
admirable and somewhat perfect

It would probably be best to start the refusal with the end of gluttony
and that I would let you live without
having to feed me at the same time
I could also learn how not to be afraid
the darkness and mythical creatures of my mind
we'll consider the trust after that

Trouble Sleeping

2011-12-19T22:22:00.001+02:00

It's hard to go to bed
When the darkness jumps on you like it had been stalking
And your own little bed expands like the hole on the ozone layer
Bigger and bigger as time goes by
And I wouldn't want to close my eyes and start a new battle whether
I can sleep or not, that's a long way to go
And it's not even certain that I would reach the destination
No one can promise that

And the morning isn't any better, it's just as dark
And I'm not even sure if any time has past
Even though the clock is beeping fiercely, it feels no mercy
It does its job even if you refused to watch it
And keeps saying "you can't be tired get up already it's morning time to be efficient"

But I am not I cannot

Why should I when I haven't rested at all

Why should I when it's so hard to breathe alone
When it feels like the rest of the world is abandoning me
Like all the unwanted escorts
Screaming after it and hoping
That it has to slow down

When it feels like I'm truly all alone
And it doesn't even matter

I no longer want to go to bed because I have to
Or because it's good for me
I don't want to sleep because it's frightening

And it could be that in the morning I can no longer get up

Greedy

2011-12-19T22:20:00.001+02:00

I don't always know what's enough
but I want it more, and bigger
I want all the hours of the day
and every breath of the night, every movement that sways the mattress
the crankiness of the morning and
the faint exhaustion of the evening

And I don't quite yet know what I can ask for
what would be reasonable or normal
when there doesn't seem to be any rules with this
none that I could read

But I want that and this as well

And I would want that I don't have to wake up alone
or tuck myself in
I want another smile next to mine into the bathroom mirror
and more stuff into my chaos

I don't know when we'll reach the bottom
will it first come from my desire or from your ability to give
yes, that's something to think about

Still I want that you love
me, even though all I can do is take

and if I could still get that from there
I would be as happy as ever for a moment

Together

2011-12-19T21:55:00.001+02:00

I am panicking and I guess you can see that
when I go on and on with the same sentence
even when the answer is still the same, just more vexed
But what if it had changed after all, what if you got angry
and would shout everything out so that I would finally believe
that someday you might leave me
when you realize your effort is food for the anorectic

I'm afraid, that can't be denied
or gone over or under or otherwise just dropped
I see in your eyes how much it hurts you to know
that everything has meaning but still you can't help
with talking, acting, breathing the air softer
when everything has signs but not of salvation
not for me
I make this pretty difficult

Perhaps one day you don't have the energy to watch what you say
but you throw everything away like to a last night's ice
and everything sinks

That's what you fear the most, isn't it?

that you would admit yourself how tired you are
with me not grabbing anything, only shaking

and that frustrates and it leads to anger, aggression

How about if you were honest instead and demanded something from me
instead of trying only to protect, that doesn't work

Perhaps together we could get a little bit forward again?

I Decrease

2011-12-14T18:35:00.001+02:00

Yet I decrease
it happens easily, it doesn't take anything else but keeping your mouth shut
at right times when demanded
and avoiding too direct gazes
if I don't realize anything the others won't see either
I decrease even though there was supposed to be a certain limit
where I should have been satisfied

And somehow in my small mind it increases my value
when I withdraw into smaller space
and I'm not so choosy at all
but give away from what is mine as if I was disappearing
and it already seems like people are looking at me more approvingly
It's enough of incentive, that and fear
of being forced to back to the past
That's not what I want, better keep going then
so somekind of safety zone would exist

I decrease even though there're still spots
I have yet to intervene
I just have to patient and it happens almost by itself
it's simple once you just internalize it,
accept as your life and not bow
the burning coming from the inside or escape the discomfort
time will surely stupefy you to it

I decrease even though I dont' know
at which size I'm eventually worth something

Hunger

2011-12-14T18:24:00.003+02:00

Hunger is good, it means I'm lacking something
Satisfaction kills the development when you all you do is enjoy
what you already have and don't understand
nothing stays together if you don't hold it
the rule of the universe if chaos
order remains only if you support it
Hunger is good, it doesn't leave me alone
but reminds me of the possibility of moving forward
I still have time

Hunger and thirst, the motive power of desperation
surprising depots deep within yourself which will disappear into consolation
what wouldn't I do to put out that ardor

what wouldn't I do to regain it

My body still wants to live and wakes me up, too
to fight for my achievements
trust is a lie which leaves me soon alone
to face the bare facts
I'm not perfect if I don't try harder
I won't succeed if I don't make sacrifices

You mustn't be happy with anything,
you must maintain the hunger

or you'll notice you're back to your old self
always just as worthless

you mustn't stop being afraid of returning to how thing used to be,
not to mention failure

you mustn't if you want to reach your indefinite goal

The rule of the universe is chaos

Lottery Win

2011-12-14T18:12:00.001+02:00

It is difficult to adjust two lives into one
I don't know if it was meant to be like that, is it supposed to be hard
or is someone now screaming at us we should stop
but I don't want to, I laugh against your shoulder
I won't let go of the best treasure in the world

Don't mourn over being afraid at times, I have the same feeling, too
but before it becomes too heavy push it away
or allow me to step beside in and look
if you can find the same assurity in my eyes which made you follow
unless my heart is braindead it should still be there

The chain of coincidences intoxicates if you think of it
how we ended up here and how we became so suited
to try finding the exact spot in each other
where both of us would feel at least comfortable to be in

Lottery win you don't need to win again
money runs out but this one doesn't
if only everything goes well and why wouldn't it happen

It may be sometimes difficult and at times it galls badly
but even in the middle of all the wounds I cry out of happiness
against your soft skin
I own something better than painless life

Love

2011-12-14T18:03:00.002+02:00

Anxiety knows no ends when it breaks loose
its rage and mania are unbelievable, it's hard to imagine
you could ever hold something like that underneath your ribs
in a spiral around your lungs
It explodes, it's warm
when it leaves you running after your breath
so you wouldn't have to die or would it be better than this
no, please don't
it's powerful enough even without thoughts

Depression, sadness, loneliness
billow from side to side in my glass and sway
what's reasonable, I don't know
I guess it's wat you can carry even if your legs broke
bones shattered cheerfully screaming and rekoicing the loss of burden
Disgust, disbelief, eternal separation
which one would I give away first if I had the chance
they're all equally agonizingly benumbing
yet my tearducts pump every time just as eagerly
to make the torture visible from the surface

Death, sometimes its call is stronger than life
and I don't always know which one I want to win
this tug of war over me
but in this complexed pressure I disappear

But did you know
this crisis isn't all like that
one is greater than the others and it's the word the pops in your mouth
heavy and weak from cliches
but if you ever set it free
it's too late to do anything
and it'll never return to its place
without screaming brightly and burning
until I'm all ashes and black

And still it's the one I treasure, it's the one I want more and more
for because of it I'm not out of balance with all my problems, not at all
because of love life stands a chance

Underneath the Ice

2011-12-14T14:24:00.004+02:00

I'd caress your head
if you ever let me to see what's behind your eyes
and allow me to understand more than
what you want others to see as well,
let me understand too
It's so cold and the compression in my chest won't disappear
it's like I was swimming underneath ice, banging the class roof
hoping it'd break
under my lips
even though my blood is already seducing predators bigger than me

My fears, problems define us both
when your thougths try to run ahead of me
and predict every single turn
I might come up with in my psychosis
this won't work that way
if either one of us can't breathe real air

I'd hold you all night and trough the dark time
if only you had bad days
so that I could notice them from something other than light shadows
and fleeting gaze
which smiles nevertheless when I ask
and even then you won't say anything
I'm not capable of miracles, I hope you realized that
I'm just as dead
here, in this numb water
as the bubbles explode in my throat
when I try to inhale

Nothing is limited only in the spirals of my brain
and this won't turn out well if both of us is afraid
and chokes the other in order to
stop them from disappearing
in all our carefulness

I'd love you
if only I dared
and if you asked for it harder

Original Sin

2011-12-14T14:16:00.000+02:00

How is man supposed to cover the original sin of their being
I understand the nature of my flaws and I'm not wishing for anything impossible,
I'm just tired of being forever worthless
to live in a middle of reflective surfaces
it should be relatively easy to decrease ballast
and change your outlines if only you make the changes with a heavy hand
not stopping to hesitate when the signs of danger blur in your eyes
I just can't anymore
fall behind my aims

How do the other do it
are they really that beautiful naturally
and did I just form like this
or have they simply struggled when I have trusted
in fairytales and ideals which define nothing but
what we'd like to think
Well, I know my limits
and I'm not chasing after superlatives
pretty or cute would be enough for now
but until then I'll keep my eyes closed
to prevent the bottom of a spoon from reflecting anything worse than truth

One day I'll correct the distortions
and I can face myself as I want
first I'll just have to take pains and hunger

but I'm not chasing after anything impossible

A Good Friend

2011-12-14T14:05:00.001+02:00

I guess I shouldn't react like this to your sincere will to change
a good friend would tap your back and carry
if the other's determination happened to waver
but my vision of the right direction does not correlate the path
you marked out with a crazy glint in your eyes, convinced
a better life would begin next monday
or at least someday when numbers settle in right order,
a new life with as much love as you can want

a new life which could be true now if you only realized
what I'd want to give to you

Do I betray you if I question your dream?

In principle you're not asking too much, conversely you're fishing reflections
on the surfaces of mirrors, in the bottom of a deep lake
don't you understand pictures will break once you touch them and then
there's nothing left but disappointment and in the worst scenario,
you have a new badly chosen target
which is just as sustainable as the former once you reach it

How could I explain it to you whe you believe nothing but yourself
your own truth has been painted on the sky, it'll last
despite how the reality around you turns out to be like

How could I explain to you that I'm frightened by this change
when you happen to be near perfection now, not tomorrow

when I'm afraid my eyes won't find the same beauty as they do now
if you strive to polish it with violence

when you're too deep in yourself to listen

A good friend would know how to turn this into a victory
and wouldn't run after you as you near, near what?
If only I knew that much, perhaps I wouldn't be this scared

Forward

2011-12-02T17:39:00.001+02:00

But I just can't, there's no way
I could become aware of anxiety or name it
I don't have the time, I have to
keep on moving forward, emotions shouldn't disturb remittances
and if I now sit down and talk
it won't come to an end

and neither one of us has the time to wait

Right now is not the time
for my heart to scream for a pardoner or
for my exhaustion to become true
don't come near me, don't

I'd better not to realize how much I need your warmth after all

Slow snapping of the brain
broken torn shot beyond repair
cannot stop development

I don't know what moderation is

Dreams

2011-12-02T17:32:00.001+02:00

I hope I could do what's right
in a way where risks and probabilities would be in their place
and everyone would say I did just like I was supposed to
fulfilled all the expectations and poured even more
I'd want to be like that, a benefactor
and morally absolutely strong
and never lost
and never confused
when life doesn't obey theories

I wish I could know what's best
so that I could then aim for it
and I wouldn't have to think or regret, just act
and everyone would praise me and tell me I was so wise
surprisingly intelligent when I always saw the light
I'd want to be sure
my deeds won't hurt
despite the fact I mean good
and everything happens as I've meant it to

I'd also want to have all the answers in the world
so I wouldn't have to ask or be unsure
and I'd also want mistakes to be impossible to make
because as it is now, when all that is just a dream
I capable of nothing

With Someone Else's Eyes

2011-12-02T17:16:00.001+02:00

If only I could borrow my thoughts toyou
and put you standing to my footprints for a moment
so maybe you'd see more clearly
why I won't budge from your side
even though you repeat time after time
how everything's wrong with you like in a sloping tower
and how gravity pulls your sanity together faster
than I can patch it with my words
than you can cover it beneath deception yourself

I can't put it into words
all my thoughts and not even my emotions
even if I recognized every one of themmy emotional intelligence is rather primitive
and that's it'd do good for you to be me, for a while
not for long because it would hurt but
for a while anyway
so you'd see what I see:
you're worth it

And I know you don't even believe me
when I speak with my mout dripping foam and my eyes leaking
as if I was going to raise a deluge for a greater assurance

I know I'm not particularly believable
when I fumble and search for the right way
the one that would take me closer to my goal,
the moment when you understand
I'm not talking just to stay warm

and take my words as truth

But if only you could be me
and experience the subjectivity
which I hope to become more objective in you
experience it and understand
it's just as true
as my cold hands are

Then you'd question nothing anymore
and I could smile more freely

Because I love you for real

Lack of Trust

2011-11-16T19:47:00.000+02:00

I suffer from a chronic lack of confidence
a nasty disease that has a diagnose but no treatment
I know it hurts you especially when you admit your feelings,
name them in front of me
and I deny them like it was a commandment
like you were a liar without an objective view
about what you actually can think of me
Like I could dictate the line
for where you start imagine things for us

like I knew something

It's also a problem that I demand proof
constantly more and words are definitely not enough
you turn your back to talk to someone else and so
all your work is nullified, you get to start over
unless you want to get rid of me already

I don't do it on purpose, I just fear the pain
That comes with trust, automatically
the pain for being wrong
when you hushed those warning voices

wrong when you gave up your fears

I just need proof, more and more all the time
that you won't leave me

and lots and lots of patience

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Brave

2011-11-16T19:45:00.000+02:00

I don't fear dark and the murderers that thrive in it
a little bit of high places and bridges though
but doesn't that only mean that my subconscious fear that I will jump from them
it sounds mad because I can't really come up with a worse way to die
But I don't fear snakes or the forest beasts
even though they warn you about them quite a bit
I don't like mice but one can stand them as well

My only rational fear is about wasps and things like that

What does the deepest conscious of my subconscious fear me to do with them,
is the sting a symbol straight from Freud

It would be best if it didn't, or what would that then tell about my sexuality
that it's the sting itself that I fear

But don't be fooled, I'm not brave
I fear a lot and all the time because the object of my fear never leaves my side

for I fear my own thoughts and what they can accomplish:
an enemy there, a bad word here, indifference in the gestures
anger, loathing, hate, contempt

Do they really exist, are they meant for me
I cannot know unless someone points me that I was wrong

and then I can fear again

I'm not brave just scared
oh if only I could leave this life so I didn't have to live like this

are my fears justified, I don't know but strangely they still keep me up at nights

strangely they don't disappear

Translated by Sith Fisto.

I Love You

2011-11-16T19:42:00.002+02:00

I love you more than light
to me you are a road out of this evil
that emerged from within me without a warning
when I poked the unknown a bit too long a bit too intently
Without you my sanity probably would never had seen this day
it would have collapsed on itself

I love I love I love

It slurs on the tongue, the l and v are too close together
they get tangled and I falter out a word
that sounds stupid even when I say it
even though you'd think everyone is already used to the things I rattle off
my unfinished thoughts

I love you because you haven't left me so far
over and over again you demand that you can carry my tears
and your hand is warm when you press it against my skin
Because of you I have the faith to believe in change,
in the meaning of trying

You are important I care for you I love you

Could you say it any worse, but still I have to
because how else would you know, thoughts alone aren't enough
But how could I avoid the clichès, go around the dangers
so that you would take my words as truth and not as just a new trick
to keep you close to me

I love you the wrong way and too much, I can't lie
I don't know if you'll forgive it even though you say so
I don't know can an evil this human be forgiven
when I can't even regret it, I can only be guilty
and you probably don't want any more "I'm sorry" phrases

I love you because you are everything, the center of gravity
and I don't see light from the desperation with any other way
than by trusting you

I love I love I love

There, I said it
here I am and cannot change

Translated by Sith Fisto.

That You Would Love Me

2011-11-16T19:39:00.000+02:00

That you would love me, let me laugh
betrayal tastes like bad chocolate in the mouth
the disappointment when you don't get what you expected
Your words are beautiful and I appreciate your gesture
but I can't take it as the truth

Why?

because it's not normal to cry like that for hours
because it's not normal to fear immediately that it'll fail
because I can't wait for losing you

Because I'll tear apart if I believe
and then cry a little more

That you would love me, let me laugh
to save myself

That you would forgive everything, I hardly think so
no matter how much you'd love me you couldn't accept the evil
that I've knowingly done

you can't give me mercy

because I don't know what I'd do with my guilt
because I don't see any other solution than to continue wallowing in it
because I'm selfish and you shouldn't reward me for it

because I'm crying again
and can't decide which I want more
your closeness or that you would hit me
so that I would get what I deserve

because I fear too much that I'm believing in dreams

Translated by VERY hardworking Sith Fisto.

I Have Feared

2011-11-15T19:28:00.000+02:00

I have feared to be weak
because who has the effort to drag someone with you
without the option to throw himself to the trust
that the other one will survive on his own as well
And I have feared to be strong, enviously powerful
because I know I will easily get stuck
so that breaking down is again a little bit too close
and unpleasant
Besides I don't want to leave others laying behind me
disappointed to the core because I couldn't make it

I have feared to give the wrong answer
because that would be stupidity and no one loves an idiot
except your own mom and who is content with that
But at some point I didn't have the courage to answer right either
when my too apparent trying was starting to wear the others down
and no one wants to grow and live in the shadow
Even the unbeaten needs to fall to be accepted

I have feared to let others close,
you can't win with me even if we didn't bet on it,
even though I recognize my own problems
And I don't want anyone to look for ways to fix the flaws
that I don't want to fight myself
I have feared to push others further and be honest
because perhaps they would understand wrong
and they would leave entirely

Even a bad friendship is better than loneliness
both are straining but in different ways

even though I am always alone, with my fears

I have feared freedom
for who would then take care that I'm good enough for others
that I do things the way they should be done
and that I will succeed in life
Only about the prison of my mind have I not had nightmares about
because in these fears I can trust, they won't abandon me
and won't change into something else

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Pile the Falling Pieces

2011-11-15T19:26:00.000+02:00

Too short of a moment to throw yourself, to mature, to grow enough
that I could find the right answers, right the ones
that I guess what I should say
I'm too much of a mathematician, blinded problem solver
perhaps I should let go of the expectation value
But still

The silence that should be broken like all other routines
beat up the bones of your knuckles into tiny pieces
without caring your own voice
You can't say "I know how you feel,"
just a cotton-patched thing resembling a clause
Or "if me, then you can do"
it reveals too much
draws the attention to me
away from you

Too short, silence falling short to irresolute
when wisdom should be found to this
without sounding like a familiar spirit
or like I'm talking just to cover my own popping distress
when you should offer a heart-stopping solace
so that with it you could pile the falling pieces
without the undertone of selfishness

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Tag

2011-11-15T19:25:00.001+02:00

I didn't know I could fear for something
which value I have consciously trampled and put down
and which destruction I myself have sped up
Skin leaves the felsh so easily
even though blood covers the visibility
It's the inducing of death, coaxing
which one leads, which is destroyed
so far I have taken victory in my name
But right now I'm doubting
that these terrors will be my last

I didn't believe that the faith I played with so diligently
that I cherished and admired and developed
would be as horrible as the unknown as it came closer
for sometimes it was more of a promise

And here we are, playing tag one more time
this one last time
for now it is final

I can still run but for how long will be enough

I didn't know I could start missing life
when it has already escaped my vicinity
when I have scorned it and imprisoned it be my plaything
Now it won't come alive from its prison
and I am afraid

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Blueberry Stain

2011-11-15T19:23:00.000+02:00

Guilt should be based in a crime
in the stomping of some written rule
or in the insulting of a common opinion
Be it as it is, it should have its reason
so that you wouldn't have to take the punishment with pleading

Someone has said that men are grown to guilt
at some point it grabs me like a blueberry stain
if it is to stick
and there nothing you can do then except dye everything with black
But does the self-consciousness disappear underneath the disguise after all
when you really have tried to forget

So there it is and there it can be found
to take sides on everything I do
And even when my sanity tells to silence that jinx
all my efforts are in vain
Especially now that I know it to be the only force
that keeps me socially acceptable
and in total control, as it should be

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Apology

2011-10-26T19:06:00.004+03:00

Before an apology is good to reconsider your motives
are you pleading for retreat from your own selfpity or
do you want to help the other forward
It's selfish to hurt someone and it won't get any better
by calming yourself to sleep
when the article has changed owners

an article because otherwise you wouldn't have to ask or give

I'm sorry more than often
I admit my mistakes when I happen to make them
but sometimes it's better to close your eyes and revenge yourself.
usually it works
and then you don't have to force the other in to a lie

Approval, that's what I miss
but once you fail you can't get it anymore
you just have to carry on

And I don't want to force anyone next to me just because
it's right to have mercy, to love even if you only want to harm
love the weaker one and understand
even when you just want to slam the other to the wall throw them away

Attempt

2011-10-25T21:30:00.002+03:00

I try to keep my promise
not to destroy you even if I cannot help incising myself
with blades that reach the bottom for real
but it's horrible
I lost my hold from hope the moment I stopped demanding
your gaze your attention your love anything
all of them offer a vision of relief
which will last to the next morning

I spread my wounds and rub my eyes until they're red
before I remember that I no longer have a permission
use such tricks because it hurts you as well
even though when asked I'll claim time is doing its best

and apologize

I try but it doesn't seem to be enough
when my efforts disappear into coldness and won't return
It doesn't seem to be enough when I want you back,
you to take the responsibility from me nevertheless

Law and Moral

2011-10-25T21:21:00.003+03:00

Is falling outside of the rules equal to failure
if I wrote those clauses to decorate my wall,
as a diploma from a good try
and signed them by name Perfectionist Over-Achiever
when mine seemed slandering
Is it wrong to break them when I've briefly promised to believe in them
if I know I can't stay within them anymore
without falling apart

Is it immoral increase someone else's suffering, the only one's who notices
hat the twinkle in my eyes is only created by the mirroring light
if I know that the other can't take it anymore when even my own psyche is collapsing
even though that's what I should do to be saved

What should I do with myself?
Promises given only to myself are the most meaningless
but what if I made those promises only to protect you?

Turnaround

2011-10-24T18:41:00.003+03:00

Feeling is always true but I'll turn my path
I'll make myself prettier than a lie
so that soon you won't be hurting anymore
not at all

This will soon be in past term
you're free to forget

that I was stupid

when I told too much just because it felt good back then

I'm sorry that I realized so late
what significance can everything possess
that I trusted in your hands so carelessly

I was stupid

But now it'll end, I'll write the laws and rules again
and make them to be followed
so that you'll be left with space to simply breathe
even leave
if that's what it takes

I'll ask for nothing else
but a promise the despite this all
that just a bit, at least someday in the future, when you recover
you'll love me.

Depression

2011-10-24T18:31:00.002+03:00

I always thought
that if you need help every single day has to be like this,
blackening due to their weakness
sailing in the waves of meaningless
and ending into to tears shed in darkness
That depression requires forgetting everything good
and drowning hope into fragility

And not all my moments are like that, not all of them
not even now when though I tried, I really did
so we'd get somewhere
But no is no

I still can hope
I have strength to trust that one day I'll open my eyes,
sometime before Christmas,
and realize that this isn't all so awful
That my eyes have dried
and I smile even when you can't see me

I promised you to give up
when darkness becomes internal
When I stop reassuring that everything will be sorted out by its own
when waiting wouldn't heal anything anymore

I guess I can't sink any deeper than this, I'm sorry

I'm so sorry
that this won't have an end yet, not an end of any kind

Plea

2011-10-24T17:54:00.002+03:00

Dearest psychologist,
I'm writing you because I know
that my head can't cope itself for too long now
though there aren't any faults in it that would be new
Not that I don't know what's causing it
I just don't quite understand
why reality is so hard to sustain

No.

Dear therapist,
I must admit that I'm at a loss
and can no longer differentiate hunger from death
My roles are straight from the pen of an alcoholic artist
and I wouldn't want to die
just because happy endings are old fashioned

Perhaps not.

Honorable social worker,
would it be possible to find a place for me from a padded room
Oh, no is it, that's what I expected
But what if I told you I went to the Moon last night
and that I murdered myself in a forest with a toaster
does that sound bad enough

I don't think they'll buy it.

To whom it may concern
at times I don't remember I'm human
so could you wrap me in the warmth of your body so
that this decaying would stop for a moment
Would you be the stripped voice of my sanity whilst
I drown in safety just for a little while

Would that be alright in any way?

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Pride

2011-10-24T17:52:00.002+03:00

My pride doesn't give in easily
I had to plea a permission for this with all the rules of bureaucracy
as if I had to consider my need
Help, help
You shouldn't yell that, others fear they'll get infected
but a fire, that makes heroes
But what then when the attention is on me
and my distress is only bleeding blood
that will stop flowing
when you take away from me
everything

You, but you know how,
understand everything
How would you patch perfect

A success in the eyes of the world
What can you do, it's hard to take them seriously;
those words that are uttered out of breath
Good one, now get up already
Would you believe it, I've been lying for a long time now
but on this side of the paper can you finally see the truth
Do you believe

This was supposed to be the last stop
that I can achieve
I imagined that now finally
you would see something else in me
than what has been handed to me

What is it that you want, attention
just die away, haven't you done enough damage already
by being always better than everyone else

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Too Much Time

2011-10-15T22:58:00.004+03:00

I have too much time
to think over the same thoughts
even if they'd never change
Too much time suffocating my breathing
when the future waits without an end
for me, who wants nothing else but hide
back into the time when I knew nothing
Of how bad love feels

Regret gets its bad will from memories
that can't be cleared by scouring,
won't reveal a reason to be forgiving to yourself

It's like I'm trying to wipe away
the movements of water, turned into fragile wave long ago
or return the particles of dust to their place
when they've once been flown into the air to dance their curse
even when they remain unchanged in my mind
But who said that reality would follow one's dreams

I'd just want to go back to the moment
when I just suspected my feelings
and walked fumbling in the fall and figured out names for them

But it has been too long time
and my persistent thinking can't rewind anything else but the chance to try again

Happy

2011-10-15T22:52:00.004+03:00

I almost told you
how I'm still in the wrong place
even though this was supposed to be where I could stay
it's not like you can fix this feeling but I thought
that mere attention would be enough for me right now,
just the thought of you worrying
I'm evil but at least I made sure
that you know it as well

Then I realized you're happy

Your life is valuable enough
so that you can understand it
even when insane suffering claims more space

You're happy
and you didn't tell me anything about it

Do you understand how bad...

but I should be glad.

I should.

I guess I'm fine too, then.

Psychosis

2011-10-15T22:40:00.004+03:00

It's too late to do anything about this
anxiety dived into psychosis faster
than any particle wanders below the mountains
it's absolutely too late to save me
let me stay here to sleep
a restless sleep
which could be defined as cruelty in some human-friendly
country
but I can't escape from it anymore either

I couldn't get anywhere
no matter how often I left,
breathed my lungs through with new air and
forgot even my old names

You promised to help me before I'd be destroyed
but I guess you fell into the same hole as I did,
into optimism
I thought that mood disorder is a joke
because it's not serious, not yet
and depression can be cured if you simply forget you're suffering

It's too late to mourn over me
when even the distant light fades into the horrors of mind
Let me sleep this away
and perhapse I wake up in a better place
far away from here
so you won't have to see the end of this

Illusion

2011-10-14T23:11:00.003+03:00

My life is well, better than ever

I forgot the past and what's there to fear in the future

except for not knowing what it holds

Death is never too far

Yes, I'm totally in check

I perform my duty like a well oiled machine

and I'm not tired, wouldn't stress for the death of me

Victory, another one, achievements are like small pebbles on my path

and they get entangled to my feet

so I can no longer tell the small ones from the big ones

but what does it matter when I can't settle for less

I can do everything, all I need to do is to go and take

when I have emptied myself completely

I've gotten everything into a delicate balance

and any minute now it will give in as well

I understand anger, bitterness, even hatred

Everything is as well as it can be in the real world

but that's the thing that tires me, infinitely

What is left when you take away the perfect

Me, useless and inadequate

me, incompetent for love

Better just keep on going

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Stuck in October

2011-10-10T17:00:00.005+03:00

What does it take to move on?
Some say the way you get there is more important
than the actual goal you're aiming for
but I can't see any importance in trying to no avail
I can't understand hopeless tries
I'm not the type to dream of unrealistic things
just being eventually happy would be enough

Grief is a greedy guest
and it doesn't leave even when your cabinets are all empty
somehow it seems like the calendar is stuck in October
and the rainy days, cold nights
when it's too dark for the snow to come
and clean up this world

I'm holding on to the memorable things
don't get me wrong, I haven't lost it yet
unlike everything else, my sanity remains
This is just my way to keep myself from hoping
that one day I'd see the importance
in believing in life
This is just my way to protect myself
from being touched by someone again

Creeping Hours

2011-09-27T15:15:00.000+03:00

With what would I measure time
when I can only guess when the wait is over
how could I make the creeping hours more livable
But there's too many of them
that I could see through them
the greater design
I can't put this to an end
I wasn't made to give up
not even when there's nothing else I can do

How could I explain to myself
the madness of my trials
I don't believe in after life, not in atonement
because how would keep count on all the tears?

Fog covers the earth and the sky
It feels like I'd never awoken
I have all the time, but no patience
to over come it
I just don't want to admit I was wrong
when I swore this would last even when
everyone else give in
I just couldn't do it alone

How wrong it feels to grieve this
when others don't even care
am I after all just a fool like all the rest?

With what would I measure time
when there's no significance in its extent, its brim
because it still ends too late

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Self-destruction

2011-09-27T15:11:00.002+03:00

I still hang to the belief
that someone would notice my distress
if I just hide it the right way
That someone would know me well enough
to see the empty place behind my eyes
But that won't happen, not in real life
and I can keep this sickness up as long as I want to
or till I fall to the ground dead
Others won't be able to stop me

The most difficult thing is to realise
that I have to save myself
even when I hate it so much

My childhood belief in supernatural powers
should have vanished by now
and inside I grieve for the efforts others have wasted on me
when they stumble forward as well

I could tell every trick of my mind
and show their roots with analytical precision
but they don't impress me
and as a layman I lack the knowledge
how to make a diagnosis
and I don't even dream about treatment plans
This spinning can only turn against me
when I push myself even further away from safe
and at the same time cover my tracks
so that I could be found

At what point can I give myself the permission
to turn and head back
When have I traveled far enough
and seen too much

At what point will I know that I've hurt myself enough

Every weapon of self-destruction has crossed my mind
and tempted me with its sparkle
but in the end they all lead to the same ending
it's only a matter of courage which one I choose

There's a few thousand ways to hide your nightly trips
and even more lies with what to cover everyone else's eyes
but it takes a lot more to make a confession
in all honesty, without falling to pity

When have I earned to right to openly need others?

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Mindless Heart

2011-09-27T15:08:00.002+03:00

It's easy to see hate
where it never before has made its nest
and even easier I point it to myself
There's still room somewhere near the disrecarding, deep down there
Without gaging I believe I've done it again
one suspicious mistake, it wouldn't be the first time
A shot-down imagination doesn't need validations
no evidence of crime, no memories
surely there's a way to turn to blame towards me
and make me an outsider

If others won't do it, then I will have to

Rejection, the unpleasant truth
one careless gesture
nothing more do I need for the destiny-embracing plunge
But I never learn how to stop the fall
with sensible justifications, because my heart is without a mind
as it's ploughing through the marshlands of self-pity
You can show me the light
but someone would have take me to it
for it to be of any use for me

Still I somehow always survive
because I'm too weak to take in
what waits at the bottom of a mindless crash

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Loose

2011-09-24T17:16:00.002+03:00

It's rather saddening that you have to desire
life, blood's patrimony, history
something you can't take from somebody
no matter how much you envy
and then you're doomed to be drifting leftover
from rotting national romanticism

It's not the language that will dress you into a new suit
it's not the desire that will accept you into the community
once you were born outside of it

It's rather saddening that what you don't have
is what you long for
Emigration creates wide emptiness
even if was born after the foreign has become an origin
But the residents of the city of hopes
can only dream of originality, purpose

And is it even right
to try to take the disappearing one's property

Died Alive

2011-09-24T17:09:00.003+03:00

I died while I was alive
and it sure was unexpected
when I never was anything else
but way too young
I could have given birth to enormous works
of how to save the world to the year 4201
Sure I could have
But then I died

I can't greatly complain
my life was comfortable, rather nice
and I guess everyone else was satisfied with it too
But it doesn't mean
that I didn't protest anyhow
Because I was supposed to get the thousandth new person
and start a new diet again tomorrow
or at least after Christmas
Death doesn't really fit that pattern

I was still fully alive
I don't want to, alright
I'm not yet fascinated by the hereafter
So could I have myself back

Promises

2011-09-24T16:58:00.002+03:00

How much I'd want to promise you I won't leave
even though I well understand the nature of life, it won't give in
to the small quirks of man kind
I won't leave you behind, not anymore
but can I be happy if you don't return
if you decide that this has to come to an end
How afraid of your own thoughts you can be

Maiden is said to be at her prettiest after seeing 17 summers
and I can somehow take that
but do the best moments of life have to be gone already
so that I could as well die now
before the end comes, all too soon

I'd love to assure you that I'm not leaving
but you have to go somewhere when surroundings become hostile
still it doesn't mean I'd forget, you can't be turned into a dream by dementia
nevertheless I doubt if it's enough to make us happy

How could I start again, when I need to
if I know this won't happen twice
if I know I'll lose everything I'm capable of desiring

if the life really carry me anymore

But I love you even though it sickens me

Closer to the Pain

2011-09-23T16:50:00.003+03:00

Have you ever tried to fall asleep
with your heart beating in your fingertips
I've skinned and hurt myself volunteerily
but I think it's just a birth defect
somewhere deep in my brain
Without a second thought of the future, I could do horrible things
go even further,
touch deeper
But it'll hurt when
the pleasure has disappeared

Somehow I'm so much closer this way
to reality and the hard surface of the world
when nothing stops the pain from transmitting
Even though I sincerely claim I'm not doing this as a punishment
what else is it then
when I can't even touch

But yet again
I say no, no not ever
I'll never give up myself for others' wishes
I'll control this as well till the end

Could You Change

2011-09-23T16:37:00.002+03:00

Could you live with yourself if you changed
would you recognize the person looking at you from the mirror
if one piece of your shell fell
and you didn't turn around to pick up that burden anymore?
Well, I don't know
I'm too much under control to try, I might fall
Perhaps you have to make a choice between what defines you more:
what you want to be or
what you've always been

Could you face all the people
who think they've got a piece of your soul
if you suddenly revealed you've been deceiving them as well as you could
not because you're bad but lie is a lie nevertheless
Would you die away so you wouldn't bother them with your recklessness
or would you change location to another town, again and again
so you didn't have to freeze to the same position
Courage is a strange notion, my friend
you can waste huge amounts of it on little things
like lifting your gaze off the floor

And what if you fall apart
and it doesn't stop, no matter how you try
and no one thanks you for your honesty?
I don't know, I seriously don't
I don't dare to find out

Intactly Perfect

2011-09-21T21:09:00.002+03:00

I don't stay like this by myself, without even trying
it does look easy but
if you only knew all the hidden hours
all the efforts billowing over the edges
no one else sets price to

The illusion is a beautiful picture
prettier than the plain me never was

What you see in me as a flaw
everything you blame or try to somehow heal
is just the remainings of
what I swept into safete under my soul
no one would see it and understand
that I'm not intactly perfect

And you don't want to see either
the outcome of Lord's work
like it was formed in me, the child of the Devil

Domination

2011-09-21T20:59:00.003+03:00

Is it any of your business
what I use my body for
what pain-cursed marks I use to tack it under my will
and as if you really could
lift yourselves past me
What does it have to do with you
if I'm a bit hurt after all
I made that decision too on my own
I chose my way to handle the world
even if it doesn't become any better this way

Don't you keep up the same psychology crap
as if I didn't analyze myself
what childhood trauma must have caused all this
That iceberg ran aground already
My life is in my domination, under my control
that's right, all the reins are fraying my hands by their wrenching
sleep, exhaustion, depression, even hunger
Do you really possess a position where you can pretend
that you don't want the same
with this exact price, immense one

Stupidity

2011-09-21T20:48:00.003+03:00

I consider myself to be clever but
how stupid it is to play and not to collect your toys
so that in the darkness of the night they cut the sleep-swayed soles
That's what this was supposed to be, controllable
even if it didn't always seem that way
Destroying yourself leaves marks every time, you can't get around it
but at least they could be made into places
you can hide without lying

You'd think that the blood dried on the surface of the skin
and the newly ripped wounds are a message
some kind of outcry from the watery lips of a drowning person
But the ones drowning can't scream, it's impossible
the same way this is just stupidity, it doesn't mean anything
The shame, the anger
that exploding feeling between the eyes, behind the nose
when someone notices Oh God that looks nasty

I'm not doing this to please your eyes, am I
next time I'll make sure you'll see nothing at all

Leave me alone

I'll Fall Apart

2011-09-20T19:03:00.002+03:00

I'll fall apart in a blink of an eye
Dingo keeps playing in my mind but that's not even the worst
you'll disappear into the half-gloomy bedroom for sure
if you can crave for a handwarm touch from afar
There're still autumn colors and sun outside
but window can open only to one direction, it's normal
that you don't always know how to survive

The paper runs out slowly and unexpectedly
and you disappear ever further into where I can't go, into sleep
yes, I'm falling apart, I'm not kidding
you can no longer bypass lies with innocence I was just joking
I'd want to wake you up so you'd see
that my eyes are open and frozen
but then I realize I can't because
if you even move, I wince every single time

It just keeps getting darker and I don't have the strength to believe in rebirth
but it's not your fault you can't be present in my nightmare while you sleep

Pieces of Paper

2011-09-14T13:42:00.005+03:00

Pieces of paper, the air is thick of those
like when snowfall enslaves the ground once again
at the same time placing its birth mistakes into oblivion
Pieces of paper, eaten from the edges
and corroded unread by gazes
who could find about this puzzle of Mad Hatter
so that also I could see what to do next
what to say, what to confess
and what should I lie about until it's like brand new

Rags of paper, filled with poems
but the rhymes are all broken, I guess this is what you call postmodern
and I can't figure out the meter
as much as I would like you to understand too,
I can't reveal the emotions
that I wasted, used on those words
You leave me to wander as well
into this rain, to catch what I can
and to stop the entropy

Shreds of paper, torn away
so they'd be destroyed without further damage
Words possess a terrible might, but there's no other way
to show what's inside

Pieces of paper, so small and broken
but their weight is greater than sins
Show me yours
and I'll uncover what I possibly can
Will this turn out to be a bestseller after all
instead of radioactive explosion of cliches

Cry for Help

2011-09-14T13:39:00.000+03:00

"Help me"
I've never learned how to give in
to my weakness, even though it's not something you should be ashamed of
since I don't reproach others
but gladly offer my support
I guess it's easier to be strong and around
than to surrender yourself to that current
I guess it's more pleasing to be a god
than a wandering believer

"I need help"
those words don't come out easily
and after a long silence it's hard to say anything
when I know that tears will follow those words
You'd think that you get stronger with age
and wouldn't be as sad anymore
over things, that you just can't help with
I must be so sensible when I advise others
but can't show the light to myself

"I can't go on anymore"
but somehow you always gather your strength
for a new effort, sometimes even in vain
Anything, as long as I don't have to admit
that I am like others after all
that I'm not anything more special
not as strong as others have shown me to be
within the limits of my character
since no one knows
how I tremble when no one is looking

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Too Late

2011-09-14T13:37:00.001+03:00

Without the burden of your presence
I can now finally admit my weakness
whisper against the sorrow
that I truly do love you
But as always
I wake up too late

Do we ever realize how little time there is
for important things
those that carry you even after death

Your answer doesn't reach my ears, it never will
and that's why it's easy to let out all those restrained words
let the meanings flow between the lines
It's a long way to the afterlife
a safely long way
too long way

Do we ever act on time
to save ourselves from the damnation of loneliness
when death lasts longer than life

I couldn't encounter you face to face
now you can only haunt me from the grave
but do rest in peace already
my words are empty anyway
For what does it mean to be brave now
when there's nothing to fear

Do we know how the essential differs
from all the trifles of the world
when only the recognized can last

At last I can release from my lips
that sentence, that poets write about
and admit
that I loved you
even when you didn't believe in me anymore

Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Anxiety of Denial

2011-09-11T18:55:00.004+03:00

My conception of how
the world around me turns with least effort
is yielding into chaos
I get tired soon even though
I should be able to strive
with even greater strength
to stop the circles fallen on water
from reaching the edges
bent into tidal waves

I'll rather die
than let myself carry on like this
And still it's ungodly hard to just sit
act as if I don't even want to
the anxiety of denial on dry lips

I don't recognize the mirros, I fall
even though I don't know where to rise
when it's time for it
if there is time
if there ever is
but one thing I know
I don't want to destroy anymore
when everything was already excellent

Why gaining one thing means losing something else?

The City

2011-09-10T15:42:00.002+03:00

There's a city by my heart
the channels leading there are often overpopulated
after all, the electric lights are a promise of something something else
unconfirmed allusion to better
Who wouldn't want to come,
gambling is all natural to human kind
But one thing most cannot see, know:
the roads running away are also crowded

The city also in my heart
is a black drain, crack in the reality
Once you fall you won't get up effortlessly
there's no guarantee you'll survive
because in the nightless night the dangers become slyer
Through the history of man the cities have been like that,
places where dreamers come to die

And the city will always stay to watch
even when open sewers take over
even when everything decent and healthy has been destroyed
The city's protruding carcass will always remain
the wars won't destroy it into dust

There's a city next to my heart
seducing, shiny, charged
but there's a lot that's dark, cruel, hard
while the cherry blossoms grow somewhere else

Watch

2011-09-10T15:09:00.002+03:00

Keep an eye on me
the denied subjects will still remain unspoken
I'm promised myself that if you ask
directly, then I'll tell you
Something, if only I dare

And everytime you turn my words into jingle
you see, it hurts me
That's another reason why I fall silent because
how can I need you
if you just keep avoiding me
without giving me the permission to attach
You really make me feel worthless

Cherry Blooms

2011-09-10T14:50:00.003+03:00

Acid breathe turns into powder the filmy petals
when they soar down and touch
Hands, eaten into veiny are slowly covered
when I just sit, wait
And soon it's like I've found the eternal youth
as a gift from the new spring

Death has never really suited me
not adorned, not crowned
I prefer to stay amongst the gemmas
rather than old, black snow

And the movement of petals is dance in the air
they remind distantly
that this is not the end yet, not over yet
even if my youth broke with the frost

Responsibility

2011-09-07T13:54:00.002+03:00

I'm sorry
that all of this fell on your shoulders
crashed into your lap to be hold on to
when I myself were swaying at the edge of something obscure
unable to decide
which way the true suffering was
I'd like to dry your tears
before you have to carry responsibility over me any longer
When did your parts change like this
when did I give in to my desires
to be weak and demand you to endure
the reality that I can't even comprehend

Surely you know as well
what loneliness feels like
and understand how greatly comfort is sometimes needed
But I got hooked on to it and now
I wouldn't want to hold anything inside
since I noticed how easy it is to use you
for preserving of all that unnecessary ugly
Out of the eyes, out of the soul
out of depressing me

Forgive me
that I drag you down below the surface faster
than I myself can swim upwards
One could imagine that I'm doing this on purpose
even though in truth I'd like to be you
take back your role
and save you instead of myself
I once learned how well the problems of others cover mine
even though they won't cure them
but I cannot do that to you

Don't bother carrying me on your heart
even I got tired of the weight
Indeed you surely love me, I have no doubt of that
not anymore, I have no need for it
But don't break yourself for me
it surely isn't worth it
And push me away when you must
so that we don't both disappear into hopelessness
I can manage a moment on my own
even if I don't want to

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Immortal song

2011-09-03T21:01:00.002+03:00

An immortal song
to last through the overpowering time
to keep her name alive
even when she abandones it
just to forget, forget about everything
that once kept her down,
kept her from shining like she's supposed to
But I don't want her to forget,
I don't want her to erase what she once was
because she's beautiful right now

An ode to prove her
how much one can love her kind
to polish her image in her own mind
when she doubts and refuses to see
how much I adore her every word
how much I envy her, the pure of heart
She'll never believe me,
she'll never really listen
But maybe eternity is long enough for her
to finally understand

A song to last forever
to fall of singer's lips and catch
the heart of every listener
But it's not the magic of words
or the tricks of the melody, no
It's the charm of her true nature,
as she showed it to me
She'll want to forget, she'll want to rewind
but merciless as it seems, I won't let her
Because in my eyes she'll never be more perfect
She defines the beauty of the world
In my heart I love her
and one day I'll make her understand
that she'll have to accept it

An immortal song to keep her alive
even when she doesn't actually want to
A song to show her
that she doesn't have to push herself down

Butterflies

2011-08-31T13:22:00.000+03:00

Butterflies
only those small butterflies
are holding your skin attached to skin for now
when it is already dangerously thickened
under the trembling blade
And none of us knows or understands
even if we wrote books about the subject
But when you stand there and ask
I will take part in saving you

Someone sings in the radio about it
how the blade brings the feeling of power and living
from what do you run, what are you reaching from the horizon?
I would gladly bring it to you

Those butterflies are so small
and they fade away soon, can't survive through
time, as I guess you can't either
And they don't hide anything from us
who already know how to look
even though something new to see hasn't been born for a while
We could save even the whole world
if it came down to good will
but for you can't do anything else
but to watch you go

And at the same time someone else is crying too
when ways of escape disappear one after the other
and she doesn't know anything about the butterflies
that can do so much

When you ask, we help
and at the same time we can fix ourselves

Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Shirt

2011-08-31T13:21:00.000+03:00

I still sleep next to your shirt
though it only offers a very fragile protection during the night
when my worst fears are freed from the authority of my self-control
because even though your scent is still lingering on it,
even though it symbolizes all of that
what you physically no longer are to me,
its power is in my own self-denial
denial state of mind
that keeps my doubts as distant as possible, insane

The phone rings, it is you
I know even though I don't look at the name on the screen
This is your moment, reserved only for you
and your voice that arrives through the air ever so faithful
Even though I notice already from the tone, that you are not interested in this at all
I still listen to the end and pour out everything
that I wrote down to a list as if making a speech
Perhaps if I tell about my loneliness word by word
you can no longer deny me

The mattress still has a dent from the arch of your back
and the bones shining through your skin
In its hollows I can huddle up when my faith in something better falters
and amongst the stains I can cry my tears
once your shirt can no longer absorb them
My self-control is not what it used to be,
it has been consumed by sleepless nights
And ever fewer are the moments
when I can display the theatrical sobs
Self-pity is still my guest,
it has adopted your place now that you gave it away
even though I can't throw away your belongings,
can't abandon your worn-out shirt
It is the only proof that you once cared enough
to keep me close

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Comfort

2011-08-31T13:20:00.001+03:00

I still don't know how exactly do you do it:
appear next to me to offer comfort
that I barely even knew I needed
But I still accept it,
my attention-seeking character can't say no
my fear of being left alone can't refuse

Perhaps I have hidden my needs too long
so to not be a burden,
that I could see the signs the way you do
Or I might have let you get too close,
told you about myself too much the way only an idiot can
You fool, my fears are screaming
haven't you learned that your burdens are not for others

True, it is scary that you know me better
than what I do, with the experience of my whole life
You don't say a word,
but your constantly moving hand on my shoulder blades tells more
And soon I'm holding back tears like a rope dancer
only a fall under me
You offer safety I didn't want to need
One I can't trust, so it wouldn't turn into a habit

Are my feelins so clearly read from my face,
even when I turn them away?
Is my exhaustion so evident weight on my posture,
even when I don't admit how heavy it is?
But there's no way I can say no, even when it hurts to know
that this can't last forever

And still I don't understand why you do it

Translated by Sith Fisto. She's awesome.

Evil

2011-08-23T18:01:00.001+03:00

There's no face for this evil from within
no description to make it more humane
It's like an endless ocean
without that comforting bottom far below
I can't hold on to it no matter how I try
and it is indeed impossible
when its grasp on me is deadly

That evil rises from the foundations
from what was buried to ground to hold up the whole
and it makes me feel deadly ill
I can't give it a name
and I'm afraid to recognize it's power
over me
But it's all that can define me

Surely someone has felt the same
but human language or literature doesn't confess that
doesn't give it existence, even though that is what it would need
At least you wouldn't have to write bad poetry
to be able to chain it in restricted meanings

It rises from the deep
and makes the days long and dark as sin
and through it I don't see means to end this madness
other than ever deeper depression
Perhaps somewhere is a place where it no longer reaches

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Question

2011-08-13T20:56:00.006+03:00

Sometimes I have to question myself
the way I act and the words I let slip between my lips
and ask myself am I still following the same path
I chose sometime during the past days
It should be simple, to tell right from wrong
and even though I can see my soul,
darkened with doubt,
I cannot weight its deeds
not judge myself by what I witness
Why?
Because no matter what I tell myself,
it's not the conscious me who decides what to believe

I question myself more often now than I used to
when I was young it was easy to be confident
and not see the mistakes I made
But somewhere along the way I came aware
aware of what's ruined in me, what can't be fixed
and how twisted my actions sometimes are
But still, after all this time examining my inner self
I'm not wiser
I don't posses more knowledge than before

I try to hunt the reasons why I do this
but every single route seems just as possible to me
who can't judge from the outside
Still those questions won't leave me, I have to know
what's buried deep within me
to stop the evil from growing,
to nurture the little good I was given
It should be simple, to tell truth from lies
but isn't truth just another story,
told with chosen words?

Even though I have this picture of the person I want to be,
even though I have created this illusion of the perfect me,
the route I chose doesn't show me the way
quite the opposite
when I have to build the road for myself
And yet again I fall into the same trap,
begin to question myself once more
It gives me a headache but not many answers
as I can't see myself with the eyes of a stranger
I have to question myself
to see the little I can

Ambition

2011-08-07T18:10:00.000+03:00

I've heard several times how I have ambition
how I'll gain a lot and
cannot be satisfied with blue-collar jobs
but I have to aim higher,
use my head
Not to waste my sacrifices and troubles
to benefit from all of this
And I suppose that's how it looks like from the outside
I don't doubt it at all
The one who doesn't know me, cannot know
that I didn't consciously go for anything of this all

Ambition
you confuse it with the desire to please
since I was little I knew that with success you get by and get what you want
And success keeps everyone else content
no one comes up and tells you to try harder
Except for those who want me to cover my joy
the satisfaction produced by my achievements

Going through all the trouble
it's the plain truth, I don't know how to let go
I know that certain amount of work gets me to certain point
I'm simply not able to say that I don't have to get there
not every single time
The only reason I try so hard is the fear
That without success I'm no longer good enough

I don't even know what I want
as I've never been bad at anything
I don't know my strengths either
I'm afraid of making the choice and breaking the illusion
of me becoming something great

I don't do anything else but fear
and ambition comes given from above

Saviour

2011-08-07T18:09:00.001+03:00

Can I offer an excuse big enough
for you to keep waking up in the mornings
and pull an unwilling smile on your face
even when you miss the silence of the grave
The responsibility breaths next to me but in a different rate
so that I'll hear its every inhale, like the very last one
there's enough oxygen for only one of us in this room
And I don't know how to move on myself
when the world is like a coloring book
and crayons are all broken to pieces
Lost with the sharpener

I don't know how to appeal to your common sense,
not to mention your feelings
you wanted me to pull you towards the victory
and towards what waits you behind the horizon
but how could I make you move
when responsibility rests on my shoulders as an extra difficulty
All my promises I tied my hands and eyes with
without an emergency exit, should the situation become perilous
I know I'm at the edge of the well with you
which one should go first

You don't want to do it for yourself
but you don't love me enough either
to keep bailing when the edge are already under the surface
Shall we watch the dead together then, when it comes
if it's all we can
I was so afraid of losing your trust
but maybe I should have being more afraid of its consequences
I so earnestly swore I wouldn't fall
or break
So watch now how the strong ones crumble
one after another

Who should go first, you or me?

Paper Is Safe

2011-08-06T22:58:00.002+03:00

You call this madness so effortlessly
but do I have a choice but to carry on
until I've seen the bottom of this
with my own eyes?
I've heard there's actually one, deep under
but I've never seen one who has survived the fall

It's unbelievable to you, like a fairytale gone wrong
but it's a hell for me
I know I'm losing my hold of this reality
and slipping into mine, created by pen
at least I can cover my eyes and scream
until your voices fade out

I'm scared but like every obsession
this has to unfold, grow and swallow everything
You have a blaming finger upon me already
but do you think I wanted to turn out like this,
unlike every sane person?

Do you think I didn't want to befriend?
Do you think I chose the life that raised me like this

I didn't seek for a way to be different
but I don't know any other way to deal with myself
my feelings are a handful, too big for my tiny palms

Paper is safe, it's my consolation
which no liquid can offer me
And so far there has been no one to take that burden for me
Paper is safe, it lasts through harder days
even when I can't see a meaning for my words
no one can take these fears away
so I'll have to waste them on words
until there's nothing left for me to say

Until more emerges, that is
There's peace only until my head is bounding with thoughts again
I can't seem to drive them away

So you call this madness
like it was your place to judge
It's a hell for me, a hell of a lifestyle
and so far I haven't been introduced a better one

Inspired by what Bex wrote in her journal. And my own thoughts, as well.

Madness

2011-07-30T22:31:00.003+03:00

I hate you
but I'm living without you
Madness, that's your name
A word like a desease,
a term like a curse
But I have no problem to cast it on you
no matter what it might bring upon you

I hate you
but I can walk away without saying a word
I won't give you an excuse
to reach my soul with your white eyes
There's no bottom for you
so just keep on falling
Extreme, that's your lover
I'm a substitute

But I'm living without you
even if you won't let me breathe
All the games and the mark of eternal quilt
it's all over, it's all gone

I hate you
and I can't save you from your hopes,
your real death wish
Madness, that's all you know
my face was just another facade for it
I'm bound to live without you
you're too tempted to destroy me

I hate you with my heart
no rational part of my mind can understand your tricks

Madness, that's your name
I dare to call it out loud
Abandonment, that's mine

http://www.youtube.com/user/2NE1#p/a/u/2/NB5jyYD2WEw At first I wasn't very eager to check this music video out because it's animated and blaah but the song AND the video are both awesome. I'm a real blackjack now.

Somebody

2011-07-27T22:33:00.003+03:00

Somebody tell me when this is over
I don't dare to crack my eyes open
and witness the mess, the mixture of
shared pain, inhumanely clear memories
and already ruined promises
I can hear the echoes
as they travel through what was once sacred
and blow life back into them
to make them mock me
once the voices have died down

Somebody stay with me
so I'm not left alone to collect the missing pieces
Fairytales should get prettier towards the end
why is this just getting nastier by the day

I can hear the fight
and the silent celebration of another broken relationship
Those falling apart were supposed to protect me
and be one forever
But somebody please cover my eyes
until my tears have dried
Somebody should cover my mouth
until I have no more angry words to say
Until I can't make this any worse

I finally bought Sunrise Avenue's latest album Out Of Style. It's nowhere near as good as On The Way To Wonderland and it seems as if their first album will remain their best. But still song called Somebody Help Me managed to inspired me enough to write this.

Out Of Ordinary

2011-07-26T22:51:00.002+03:00

It feels like all the thanks and goodbyes
have lost their meaning
and turned into what they usually are: a mere habit
But I don't want our friendship to be described like all the others
I don't want to define us as nothing out of ordinary
I used to see the flame of your soul
as we'd write down our pain
and give it away, word by word
But now I see just the dead end

I don't hear you beneath the compliments and phrases
not the way I used to
What does it tell me?

I remember too well how we used to talk
about everything between the earth and the sky
but always return safely before going to bed
Now you leave me soaring up there alone,
your eyes closed and hands clamped over your mouth
I don't know what you're holding back
but it's making us ordinary
just like two friends should be

I don't want to be what I should be
Not with you

And when you say you love me
it's just a habit as well
All our memories, all the things we used to laugh at
are now written on the stone
and we shall not break free from that law
because then there's nothing left
From what used to be so great
what was meant to be everlasting

The Fire

2011-07-24T22:06:00.004+03:00

I'll be the fire that catches you
and licks away your scars and the broken feathers
of your god-forsaken wings
I'll destroy everything you claimed your own
but save your beating heart
until I go down with the flames
and lie with you, cold like an iceberg

I'll be the fire that releases you from your sins
which you call simple mistakes
from your haunting past
I'll take the flesh off your bones
and boil your blood away
but I'll make sure your name remains unforgotten
as I die with you

I'll be the fire to warm you again
as the cold world has ruined your all
your loving heart, your weak soul
and every single good thing you managed to gain
I'll show your true nature
as you turn into lethal flames and burning heat
and paint your beauty with fading colors of life
And with you I'm not afraid of death,
the ashes that become after the fire
You're not a phoenix
but trust me, death is not the worst thing for a human being

As Good As

2011-07-22T23:57:00.004+03:00

This was just as good as it was going to get
and now we're slipping further away
I don't know if gravity changed
beneath our feet
I want to hold on to you but I'm too angry
to confess how sad I am
and so you misunderstand me
like so often before
Every single beginning used to mean something
something happy, something shiny and positive
but now they look like little deaths
on our way to the grave

This was just as good as it could have been
there's no what-ifs there, no second thoughts
I know we ran this path to the end
I want to spin around and race again
but my enraged words are now chasing you away
You misunderstood me
and now you want me to leave you
like so many times before
We used to love each other
but we dropped it somewhere on the way
as it got more like a burden
to both of us

This was too good to be true
and I can't see another way to end this story
it was a dead end from the very beginning
I can only beg the final doom won't be painful
because I'm in pain already
I want to take your hand and lead you
to where we came from
but what used to be strenght to us
is now blocking the way
Every beginning is now just a partial death
and we have to bury each other here

The Happy Couples

2011-07-20T23:59:00.002+03:00

The happy couples
real or imagined:
I don't know what to say
I'm so envious of what they share

It seems like something special
yet so casual at the same time
And so far out of reach,
too hard to achieve

They don't even need to be happy
to seem perfect to me
and all I can do is wonder:
what on Earth is wrong with me?

Give Me

2011-07-20T23:24:00.003+03:00

Give me your smile
so I'll treasure it over the days
when it's too hard to face the happy couples
when it's too hard to tell your mom everything's okay
when the world doesn't come tumbling in
but abandones you without explanations
to make it on your own even though you can't see the reason
Give me your smile and I'll
keep it safe until you can hold it again
I won't let it be wasted

I keep what I promise
Even if you let me down

Darling, don't cry
I'll take you through the days
when it's too hard to eat or even think of cooking
when it's too hard to pick up the phone and pretend
when the world beats you up with reality
until you bleed to death but still can't die
Don't cry and I'll
protect you to the very last day
so you can be strong again

I won't leave you
Even when you want me to disappear

Give me your heart
I'll warm it pass the days
when it's too hard to listen to radio, they always sing about love
when it's too hard to remember who're your friends
when the world screams to your face
with the names of your past loves
and everyone you once lost
Give me your heart and I'll
make a nest for it right next to mine
so they can support each other

I will always love you
Even if you hate me for it

Inspired by Daesung's solo "Baby Don't Cry". He's not one of my favourites and I thought he couldn't sing but he actually can, and very well even!

Black Pit

2011-07-20T23:11:00.003+03:00

Holding back the sobs
I can't reveal this hideout to you
when our foreheads are pressed against each other
I need you to breathe the air for me
until it's softer to inhale
and I can eventually pull some in
I have someone to love
I'm minor no more but part of this society

The last black pit of my mind
I need to savor it for later days
so I'll always appreciate the time you put into healing me
Excuse me if I have to retreat there every now and then
but I want to remember my past
even the times when it almost took my life

With my own hand
I almost became your angel
But isn't this better

I have someone to love
Your heart beat is the sign for me
it lets me know I made it out there alive
Every god turned their backs on me
as they realized I couldn't be saved
but all it took was a human to turn these tracks around
Finally I know what humane means

The last desperate vortex of my bad days
It'll never scar away but remain sore
but what does it matter
It's all I need to love you
and I need you to make this world softer
so I can face it by myself
when you're busy with something else

Inspired by a fanfic and Big Bang's "Somebody to Love" that I happen to like very muc indeed.

Unsecurity

2011-07-15T13:44:00.002+03:00

I don't like being alone
or actually, I'm afraid of it
Now I said it. I eventually said it
Oh sure, mock me all you want
but don't you dare to point out how pathetic it is
for a kid my age to be scared of invisible monsters
because you have no idea what comes out
when I'm all by myself without a guard
When my mind is free to wander

I really don't like watching over my own life
because I never really know if I have control over myself

That's why I please everyone
as long as I can I keep all of you happy
you'll stay, just that bit longer
and I can fall asleep, pretending
that this same chase of company doesn't begin again tomorrow
But just leave out the fact that I'm useless
when my fears are free
because you can't imagine how it feels
when your rationality turns its back on you

I don't know if I can protect myself
from what rises from deep within

And that's why I'm so afraid
of being abandoned again,
with only my thoughts to keep me company
because that's when something horrible usually happens
Don't you suggest I get help or go to a shrink
this was built inside me before I could protest or make a choice
You simply don't know how bad it is
when your own brain is designed to hate you

Promise

2011-07-11T23:17:00.002+03:00

You promised to be there
when I can't make another dawn to come,
another sunrise to start my life again
and you said you could show me the things
that are still here and still have a meaning
Things that didn't run away with everything I miss now
You said you would make it better
with your words and your words only

You promised to lead me
until I can make my own path into the sand
without missing the road signs, easy to read
You said you wouldn't take your hand away
before I let go myself
and you said it would be effortless to carry on
once I found the right way

I have now struggled to break free
from the fears and worries owning me
But you did nothing what you said you would
and nothing seems to be the way you said it is
Because I'm really lost and there's not much left
at least nothing I recognize as my own

And the sun is below the horizon for good
I can't bring it up for my eyes to admire

Actually I don't want to keep going
when all you painted for me was a fairytale
because if this world is this dark
then is there a reason to live in it?

My Pieces

2011-07-06T23:08:00.003+03:00

Strange enough, it feels like my pieces are getting away
I was sure they were safely piled in my heart
and stored for better days
when I'd have time to sort them, to put them together
But now I watch them slip between my fingers
like they never belonged to me
and they're running further, like they had wings
They're flying further than I'd ever go

I thought I had control over them
heartbreak is not the end of the world
and I knew I could fix myself over time
if I only could muster up enough strength
And I assumed the pieces would wait nicely
and never, ever rebel
But now they're almost gone
and I don't dare to stop them
Because they'll see the things I can only dream of

My pieces are flying away with the wind
and screaming happily as they go
I guess my heart felt like a prison to them
as they had no place to move
I guess my pieces wanted to live more than I did
and made the effort to do so

While I stay here and regret

Tired

2011-07-06T21:56:00.002+03:00

When I'm tired of being alone
the world crushes in with no shame
and wipes away my peace of mind
pushing me until I fall
into the same kind of trouble
I fought out of before

When I'm tired of feeling lonely
who's there to follow, whose hand is there to take?
Who can take the responsibility
of my sanity

I'm lonely and tired to wonder
whether I should change or give up completely
it seems as if these questions are not going away

When I'm tired of being alone
alone to chase my own kind of demons
I can't think of anyone to call to my side

I'm tired of being lonely
but I can't stop looking over my shoulder
because the unwanted guests will never leave me
Who's there to lead me, whose hand is there to guide me
I don't know, I can't see it

And I'm tired of being blind

People Say

2011-07-05T23:03:00.002+03:00

I've heard people say I should aim for the stars
and it seems like my only option
since no tree top would be good enough for me
I can't settle on normal, on usual
because I have to go further
even if it means going there alone

I've heard people say I'll be something great
and that there's no doubt about it
but why do I find myself questoning
the route my life has taken?
When did I made the choice
not to be happy with simplicity

I've heard people say they're proud of me
but I'm just ashamed
of the go-getter I've turned out to be
for it's just a lie, it's just a lie
no one can see past
I'm just as afraid as everyone is
but I'm the one who's supposed to make it anyway

I've heard people say I'll be famous one day
but I don't want to be known by this name
not by what I've done
because I'd rather be normal and loved
for who I am, not for what I can do
or what I know
because I'd rather not be alone
than bask in the glory

The Story

2011-07-05T22:56:00.002+03:00

My pen cannot write an end to this story
even though we're happy only in fiction
and even though we exist only in my imagined dreams
I can change the plot and make us smile again
I have that power
but only over my foolish desires

I won't let you leave me
as my pen writes down our shared story
I won't let your path separate from mine
because I can't erase the weddings and a dozen children
I already wrote as our future
It won't change, it won't fade away
my words are just as good as truth

Even if I have to tear the ugly, sad pages away
and burn them until they're gone
I'll let us live happily
and I won't let this story end, not ever
even though it's just a breathtaking wish

And even though we must die even on paper
I won't allow it hurt
and we'll be together
even if you decide to walk away

Because my pen can't write an end to us
Our story is the only one I know

I've always adored this song but now that I actually found the lyrics... It's awesome. Purely awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hduadsFnJfA

Unavoidable

2011-06-28T22:57:00.002+03:00

Who would have known it is that hard
to learn from what you've done
and never do it again?
I've faced this and I thought I had said goodbye
once and for all
But it seems like they'll always come back
even if I'm bound to fall
My mistakes, I mean

At least they're not attracted by success
or the glory I call madness and tricks
everyone else takes as truth

Who would have known that a girl this smart
couldn't stay out of trouble
when she already knows it too well
You see, there's nothing behind the brain
behind the skill to lead you wrong
I'm not wiser than any of you
just a lot better in pretending

At least I know what will happen next
and tomorrow there'll be no one to witness
the crash as my fall ends

Save It

2011-06-25T23:07:00.002+03:00

Save the world that's drowning
under water, under the sins
It's about to wash them away, all of them
and forget all about them
I don't know what to do
as I watch the destruction happen before my eyes
I don't know if I love this country
more than I want it to sink into the waves
And it crumbles, it's going down
but we must save it

Save the soil that's disappearing
into the arms of the sea
like it never existed on this Earth
The tide comes and it's all gone like the history
we hold on to as if it could do the trick
and fool us to believe
I don't know how I feel
but we must reach out a helping hand
in order to call ourselves humane again

Save the weight of the dark past
that's soon washed away by the salt in the water
What do we do if we forget it
if we can't regret what we did
How can we learn our lesson?
I don't know where to look
when there's someone in need everywhere
but I'm like a straw, useless
Do something and pull me with you
under the water, if we must
so we can clean our hearts one day

I was wathcing SHINee perform in MTV's Video Music Aid Japan (or whatever) and yeah, it made me think. It's quite messy combination.

I Used To

2011-06-15T21:21:00.002+03:00

I used to believe
in the good in people
and I used to think
that my mistakes don't count
in the enormous universe
that a person this small
couldn't make any difference
not good, not bad

I used to rely
on mere words
which didn't even need to mean anything
and I used to think
that promises are the glue keping this society together
I thought I could find forgiveness when needed

I used to do so many things
and kept the apocalypse far away like that
It was so harmless
to be innocent
But now my mistakes are everything
people can see

Are they all that defines me?

Obvilion

2011-06-10T22:54:00.002+03:00

When I can't forget
a word, not a single nuance of emotion
flash memory treasures moments
like preparing them for eternity
I hope that I don't have to
try to fall into a sleep like death with a heavy heart like this
or I don't know if I can take it
It is said that the capasity of human memory is limitless
but I hope its boundaries have to be somewhere
because how am I going to survive otherwise

Every touch, the smallest possible meaning
they all twist and turn in my mind
growing and taking over space
It's like I'm trying to bulldoze stony stoil from rocks
and make it fertile
I'm suffocating beneath my own soul
do I have to if I don't want to any longer
Where lies the bottom of the iceberg, the subcoscious
that devotedly takes care of what cosciousness won't accept
I search and dive even deeper
only to realize I'm in trouble

When nothing sinks into oblivion
you cannot forgive your mistakes
and what if becomes familiar in the beginning of a sentence
I didn't ask for this
who could I donate my burden to, give it away
because honestly speaking:
I can't take it anymore

Limitation

2011-06-06T23:20:00.005+03:00

Time is limited
and especially I haven't been given it endlessly
it ends, it gets wasted
and then there's none left
Would have I taken this path
if I had only guessed its ending would be like this
if I had known
that it must end in tears
salty from sadness but still
filled with good times

I'm not afraid because I know
that this can't be avoided
The seasons change and turn their back to us
only to meet us later again
but still they're not the same
The rain of the autumn doesn't bring the same message with it
Would have I given up
if I had realized earlier
that I can't do this, I can't let go
that the tears will not be dried

I'll forget everything that's waiting for me in the future
because what you don't think
does not exist

Rainbow

2011-06-06T23:09:00.002+03:00

The wonderland of my hopes
where my hopes have strength to live
as they're close to coming true
That land I must now abandon
Rainbow carted me off here
but now it's fading and leaving
guiding me elsewhere, forcing me to follow
I didn't fing gold, not silver
and I didn't reach my hand for the fruits
because I already got everything

Happiness

Goodbye now, I must hurry
I can't promise to return
and even if I get lost back here, I've surely changed already
Still my memories will tolerate time and consumption
I'll take a piece of this place with me
colorful like a piece of real rainbow
and I shall never bring it back

Distance, Time and Longing

2011-06-06T22:56:00.004+03:00

The entire distance
its every turn and curve of the road
how could you measure its influence
or describe longing created by it
when a single kilometer is breathtakingly long
even though you pass every one of them rejoicing
from the reunion
from the certainty that you'll be allowed to smile again

The whole endless time
that strecthes itself towards the eternity
how could you define its power
to someone who has never experienced it
even though every minute brings the moment closer
when all that time is behind you

The total limitless longing
that grows day by day only due to its evilness
how could I overcome it
even though every day is a day less

Every Song

2011-06-05T22:56:00.002+03:00

Every song is a reminder of you
as if every love song was written for you
by me
as if every angsty line was meant for me to say
As if everyone knows our story
and what went wrong
Still they ask why don't I let go
Like I had the opportunity!

Every song I hear, every book I read
they're all about you
and I see only you
in my restless dreams
as if there was nothing else in this world
as if I had to suffer
Yet they ask why don't I enjoy life while I can

Like I wanted to

And every word I say I'd want to say to you
but what's done is done

A Moth

2011-06-04T23:37:00.002+03:00

Into the night we must go
though a moth like me
would rather spin around the white light
blinded, never finding the way out
and not feel this pain or pressure
but fly until my wings are tattered
Because what would it be compared to the fear of the unknown

The darkness we must face, at last
even though it's the one I escaped from
If only I could see even just a glimpse of light
to navigate by, otherwise I'll get lost
My thin wings won't take me far
as long as the sun doesn't rise
even though moths are not allowed to fly at day

We must abandon the safe haven
before the light goes down when the string burns out
Then we have to go
now we're at least ready for it
Though I'd rather blind my eyes in the light
than see what's in the dark

Ocean and Wind

2011-06-03T03:46:00.003+03:00

The ocean is black too
as I know it's yet again another road away
Another way to escape
and I can't stop you, not deny either
because what right would I do it with
What could I use to calm down my conscience
even if my heart found peace?
The waves rock back and forth
along with them you get away
if you only want
As soon as you get everything you need with you

The wind is bittersweet,
like a betrayed lover's fingers on my skin,
because it'll raise your sails
And even if I stand on its way, I can't stop it
What could stop the powers of nature?
I can't understand what draws you away from me
and it's a heavy sting in my heart
but how could I forgive myself
my selfishness
if I asked you to stay
The wind won't die down, it blows
and zaps you from me
when you eventually say goodbye

Fear

2011-06-03T03:25:00.002+03:00

I'm greatly afraid
that if I let you go away
you'll return badly changed
and I can't separate the change from damage
or heal you to your old self
Not to mention judging you, like I was any better
But still I'm scared, so scared
for your innosence
you may not realize its value
but if I was you, I'd take better care of it

Every moment I wait with terror
when you're going to disappear and never come back
with that same look in your eyes
And there's nothing to cover up
what has taken shape inside of you
Still can I tell you no, as if I was wiser
I don't have that power
I stay up every night, waiting
when the world is going to take your most precious
My most meaningful

And every morning when I look at myself in the eye
I see what I'm scared I'll to find in your soul one day

Longing and Love

2011-06-03T00:33:00.003+03:00

Does longing feel better
than real love and its burning
Is it more powerful after all
more meaningful
Am I more attached to you
when I don't see your face
Am I even happier
I'm being eaten from the inside instead of
being burnt by a glaring flame

Does the strong craving brush my inside more gently
than love and its demands
which in the end serve only the outer shell
Is it better just wait than actually gain
Do I wait for the departure with more excitement
than the reunion?
And still I can't escape
since I do need love to keep my longing fresh

Is it more beautiful in its fragility
and more appropriate in a way
than heated love
that can't be hidden
Do I prefer languishing
than giving my all for someone else

Sith Fisto is quite busy so I'm actually doing the translations myself. Lol.

Replay

2011-05-29T11:44:00.002+03:00

I need a replay of what we had
even if it was tearing me apart
At least I could feel it, could sense the pain
at least it touched me
Now I don't know my own limits anymore
seems as if you drew them for me
like a map of the the fairytale land

I need a replay if not the real thing
I want to imagine you here,
drawing imaginary patterns on my skin
with your spider-like fingers

You don't know how it is like
to just sit and see
how everything passes by
And realize our promises are disappearing
just like my hold of you
I know it should kill me
but why do I feel nothing but the growing vortex
of emptiness?

I want a replay
even if it takes everything I have
because like this I'm not worthy
My boundaries are fading into thin air
at least with you I could feel the pain
when it was there
Now it's all nothing

SHINee published their Japanese version of their debut song Replay few days ago and I've been listening and watching it ever since. It's just so... perfect. I did like the original Korean version though the MV wasn't that brilliant and I was sure I wouldn't like the Japanese version. But actually I do! and damn are those guys just so hot... Don't let me get started with fangirling, I can't stop it once I begin!

Goodbye

2011-05-29T11:24:00.001+03:00

Going through the smoke
I'll find you in the end
faint screams of help
guiding me there
The flames licking my feet
chunks of ceiling falling on me
The house is on fire
I don't need the police cars
or the ambulance, I'm alright
I just have to bid goodbye
You can't leave
without giving me the last chance

Running through the wall of heat
I'll reach that dim room
It was just a while ago
when we greeted each other
like strangers do
Now you're abandoning me
Wait, I have to say goodbye
so that I don't have to grief later

Through the small crack in the wall
I see you, see you smiling
and inviting me to come further
I'll come even if I can't save us
from the burning pain

Finally Blogger is actually working again, thanx for saving my life Bex! So, I had to write this two times because dA deleted it at first. Luckily I managed to put it back together. Inspired by FT Island's song 'Hello Hello' and it's amazing MV.

Suspicion

2011-05-26T18:05:00.001+03:00

Why won't he tell if he really cares
so that I wouldn't always have to wonder
what I dare to say
or how close I dare to ask to get
When I anyway doubt, it's a part of my nature
since I don't believe that anyone likes me
Pitiful teen, though it is sad
yet I still desire verbal acceptance

The smallest word, the smallest crossing deed
makes my suspicions wild
Look at this now, we were right
they don't want you, why don't you stay away
give in, die away
And unfortunately I believe every word,
very ridiculous lie
I can come up with

But you can't see it from the surface
you don't notice you I fear
nothing this stupid could ever be expressed aloud

And he is that type of man who doesn't say anything aloud
and he won't be telling me about feelings
not even if I threatened to leave him

As if I dared

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Fog

2011-05-26T18:00:00.003+03:00

Oh how the world shrinks again
when fog is leaning against the window
like it was trying to come in
The walls are barely able to stand
and I don't have the energy for anyone from the outside,
or for any touches
Don't come, stay away world
I can't face you right now
Why do you come to me now
Why do you concentrate into a ring around my abode
now that I can't handle it

The world shrinks minute by minute
when the fog creeps closer
presses its cheek against the cold glass,
the only thing keeping it away
Why can't I see the sky, the clouds
my hospitality has ended
The whole house is swaying on its stone base
I wait holding my breath
when will the outside come crashing in

I hear how the fog is breathing quietly
at the edges of my thin cladding
mere willpower is keeping me from falling into the same rhythm

Oh stay away now world
when I can't help even myself
Grow once more and dry the fog as you go

Blogger is messing with my computer and I can't post anything, not even sign in. I'm on my friend's laptop right now... Sigh. I don't know, I'll have to try and fix it during the weekend because I'd really like to be able to use my own computer for working on my poems.

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Fiction

2011-05-20T17:32:00.003+03:00

My sanity doesn't have boundaries
within fiction and imagination
everything is possible
and so I live, from day to day
pushing the skillful luring of the reality aside
so that I can almost forget it
The fluent movement of my pen
keeps me focused, attached
and I see nothing but what I want
and I believe only what suits me

Within fiction and imagination I fly
And I don't miss anything or anyone or something more
I'm strong like this
I can almost forget that there's something else
I could want

My inspiration is lacking. Better not to push it further. I'm just addicted to BEAST's "Fiction" and yeah, trying to dig some ideas from it.

Light Conversation

2011-05-15T21:26:00.001+03:00

And don't even ask how I've been
or what's now around here
when I just can't answer honestly
"Nothing special"
and "Same old, same old"
You should know I'm lying
but it's better that you don't,
I couldn't tell you anyway
And I don't want that paper thin empathy
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that"

Still the question stings
in my consciousness, in heavy heart
when I'd really want that question
be something other than light conversation

It stings very hard

Translated by Sith Fisto.

In Need

2011-05-15T21:20:00.002+03:00

Not a word, not a single sentence
not a clue that would reveal me,
a detective in a work he didn't ask for
Even though I know fear, the feeling when you can't breathe
when there's nothing to lean against
because everything falls apart, decays, ends
Even though I know it all and cry
out of shame, powerlessness, compassion
What do I do when I'm helpless
I shouldn't know

In truth what I do is wrong
I've taken the wrong turn, I should return
Knowledge is the master of pain and I proved again
how in reality I'm a masochist
But I do my duty and finish
that what I started driven by fear

I can't say a thing, can't point even with the slightest touch
that I know and understand
and that I won't leave you alone, never
That I share that feeling through you
and will help, help even if it's all I could do
We are damned to silence
because you don't want me close to you
I may not know the right direction
but I'm coming with you

I'd like to abandon my source already
and let things roll with their own weight
seeing how I won't be able to change anything
Haven't I learned that already
But who cares, when you don't understand but want to know
you can't keep the pain away
and once again you're to blame

Yet again I'm back into "I'll save you!" type of poems. Translated by Sith Fisto.

The Lost Smile

2011-05-15T21:14:00.002+03:00

I think I left my smile
somewhere between the lines
In some point the pain just became real
and it sank in me
Now I can't lift the corners of my mouth anymore,
it doesn't feel right
and my own worries seem to have shrunken
next to that massive joie de vivre
that changes to hollow of equal greatness
before I have time to react

Now I don't have the strength to smile
or dry tears away
no one will see them
I'm being punished for my blindess now
but that is only fair,
I won't complain

I don't want to be happy
when you're suffering next to me

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Abandoned Tale

2011-05-15T21:12:00.000+03:00

I don't think I can write a happy ending for this tale
no matter how much I try to change its course
but the plot seems to be somehow fixed,
without options
But right now it doesn't even feel worthy of telling
next to other legends
So is there any point in continuing it
and with whom would I share it, who would read it

At least not me

Translated by Sith Fisto.

Guilt

2011-05-15T21:08:00.001+03:00

Guilt, too heavy to survive it without faltering
without changing to something else
than that carefree creature without shame
that used to be a long way from here
Now that guilt has caught me
and tonight it won't let go
before I have felt all it has to offer
and understood every shade there is

My whole body feels heavy
as my tortured conscience wails
And I can't open my eyes
to face the vision in the mirror
I can break a mirror but not that look
You can't consciously get rid of memories

Guilt takes it toll without terms
it stretches the time to the extreme
and for a moment I can almost reach
myself in the beginning of this journey
almost warn in advance about what's waiting in front
But guilt is a fickle mood
and once again it devours me
this won't end before I surrender myself completely

I could stay here and just stop
sadness oozing from my fingertips
Consciousness is worse than agony
and I wouldn't want force myself
to face it now
I can reveal the lies
but I can't deny the truth

Translated by Sith Fisto.